Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming period in your life.
Hello, nice to meet you.
Hello, thank you for replying.
Do you have any idea about what change or situation in your life could have caused or led to this radical changes in your personality , mood and behavior for the past year?
(these radical changes)
hmmm, not really. But my life is of constant change, that is the norm for me
Please tell me more about this constant change and about the highs and lows you mentioned before.
You have described several serious concerns here, from memory problems, to high and low moods, isolation, feeling socially uncomfortable, constantly worried about things, pessimism, easily triggered by alarms and noises, uncomfortable with confrontations and tired of fixing or helping other people's problems, right?
I went through something back in 2006. My father (whom I relate to moreso than my mother), along with my 2 younger brothers, were arrested ane are still in prison today- serving long sentences for trafficking drugs. Our family had a stellar rep, and we lived in a small town. My father was a very smart man, but his health was/is bad and he'd hit a low point with his auto dealership and got desperate for money. My brothers had given him a lot of trouble prior. I was always "the good child". (I'll send this but continue writing)
I married at 21 and had twins almost immediately. I wen tback to school when they were 5 and got a degree to teach, had another child 8 yrs later, then left their dad after 14 years. I took the kids and moved to a larger city 2 hours away. Met a guy 5 months later, dated him 5 years and now been married to him 4.5 yrs.
I am very sorry to know about these overwhelming situations. These are very traumatic life experiences for most people in your shoes. How have these experienced affected you emotionally and the way you approach life?
I have a big house, drive a Porsche, I'm attractive (always been told- Im 5'10 blonde, good figure), and have great, healthy good looking kids. My husband looks like a model, is 6 yrs older, has money and great taste, and adores me.
What a journey, you should have been very strong to have faced so much n your life.
I have resented my mother because she never worked, and doesn't know how to take care of her affairs. It was all left for me to do.
I am very happy to know about your family, you deserve them for sure
I see, then from childhood you had to take adult responsibilities
that's very sad, since it shows neglect and abuse that should never happen
She never told me she loved me (although I know). SHe's not affectionate. I have tried hard to be different than her. SHe's not a bad person, just pessimistic. She's 63, into her looks, etc. But she is bitter at the hand she's been dealt. SHe has gotten better in the last year. I do not see her much or call her. I don't call ANYBODY. I want to escape
and could explain why you may have developed these problems around depression and anxiety, triggered by your father and brother's legal issues and personal problems.
I DID have to take responsibility when younger. My mother was 20 when I was born. She was never good at discipline, so I took over with my brothers a lot, monitoring them. My dad was a workaholic and hustler...gone a lot. But he was overly strict.
That's very sad, but very real for you too, no doubt, and it makes sense why you feel this overwhelmed, they are multiple family issues that just do not depend on you at all, and you have been grieving all these years, from the neglect and abuse from childhood, to the financial problems your parents faced, the legal issues and imprisonment of them, the lack of healthy affection from your mother and more. It is tough.
I went through a lot of depression when all of that happened to my dad. He got a dirty deal to make matters worse. My husband (bf at that time) was what helped me get through it. He was the joy in my life, always positive, and tried hard to be patient with me. ALTHOUGH I hid it form him then. Now that we are married, I can't really hide it, nor do I try anymore.
They you got the two extremes, and nothing could be more conflicting than that for a child.
Then he has been a real angel for you. Now he knows everything about it, right?
yes he knows.
My childhood was actually pretty good. My father was a wonderful parent, and my mother was too, for the most part. I had great grandparents, very traditional.
But maybe I am seeing things with rose colored glasses?
It's very sad that after so many years facing so much pain and conflict you have never received any necessary psychological support to rehabilitate, heal and grow from it.
If we were poor I didn't know it. I didn't ask for much but I got what I needed. I have a very large family on both sides, 15 kids on one side and 12 on the other. LOTS of caring, loving relatives.
I do think so, since both stories do not match at all, and it could be a very common consequence of the serious conflicts and issues you were exposed to for so long.
I know that I need to seek help to function.
You mentioned serious trust issues and feeling used by people, what could easily match everything you had to face and take responsibility for since childhood.
Last summer I suddenly developed chlosterphobia! What's with that? I had a panic attack on a ride at Sea World (of all places). I felt trapped because the harness was so tight and I couldn't break free.
I thought it might be an isolated incident, but it's gotten worse.
I don't trust anyone.
Absolutely and the sooner you start the better, it is not healthy nor good for you to delay the necessary process at all. You need and deserve to heal, to be yourself beyond the traumas and dysfunction, the neglect and abuse you underwent. Your depression and anxiety have been consequence from those tough life experiences.
Right, this is why your healing needs to start from inside yoruself
and psychotherapy is just about that process. It would not be easy, it would be tough, but necessary and worthy for sure.
I love to decorate my home. That's my release...I LOVE Christmas. I just want to stay in my house all day and let it be my "castle". When the phone or doorbell rings, I instantly get angry..I usally hide or don't answer it. I'll call back at my convenience. My temper is terrible now. I also started drinking moreso- although I do not have a problem. I know a lot about AA- my hubby's in it.
The good news is that you have finally come to terms with the fact that you need to take truly good care of yourself, to rehabilitate from the impact these painful life issues have had in your personality, mood, mind, relationships and life. For you to truly enjoy the wonderful family you have built
I get bored and distracted so easily. ANd I procrastinate. I avoid things and people. I have become negative about others and expect the worst. I feel like others are trying to rip me off, if they work for me, etc.
I have wondered if I am ADD, Bipolar, or something.
Then please do not delay this process even longer, addictions , whether through substances, or abusing behaviors, from work to emotions, sex and exercise, literally anything could become a source of numbing, a escape, and would always take from us much more than the temporary and false relief they bring
If you got these high and low mood swings that you cannot control, then that could be a sign of bipolar, but the only way to know is through an adequate and competent evaluation and consistent treatment.
I usually have a glass or 2 of wine whereas I use to not drink at all. That's the only difference. My husband is very regimented and a "go-getter". He makes me feel inadequate. But people have know me to be quite hyper.
You know you are depressed, have overwhelming anxiety, big problems even functioning, trusting people and enjoying your life, and serious unresolved pain from family issues from childhood still undermining your mental, emotional health and well-being, Then it is time for you to start your healing process.
Do you drink everyday 1 or 3 glasses of wine?
1 or 2 I meant
This morning I awoke, ready to conquer the world! Then I had a slight setback which triggered me to just flare up! I'm pissed at everyone and act hateful to my family. Then my energy just disappeared and I am in my "dark place"! That's when I got on here.
NO I don't drink every day
A glass of wine or a martini and I feel a little better. But its not to the point that its a problem. I know my limits.
I usually awake about 3 a.m. and lie there with racing thoughts of worry and guilt for a couple of hours
Then these mood changes seem to depend and be triggered by concrete situations-incidents in your life, what would not match the way bipolar disorder works, but you do have depression, anxiety and overwhelming feelings, reactions and a tough time coping with situations that should not trigger such powerful reactions, and that's why it is not wise to delay necessary treatment even more.
That last sentence had nothing to do with the prior one
I just get sooo tired of the problems. My twins are in college and their dad is of NO help at all in any way
I am sorry to know that, as you can see, these have become patterns in the way your mind and mood work, and the more they were perpetuated, the harder it would be for you to rehabilitate from them.
I hear ya
i see, then you also have problems with your husband, that add extra pressure to your life, and this is very sad and should be addressed too, since the last thing you need is to worsen your mental healthy and life quality with extra issues
my dad was diagnosed with anxiety at my age; my mother and her father have something weird, as well. They were both very anxious as well, my grandfather would never leave his house!
I suggest you to consider individual and group psychotherapy for you, and at least marriage psychotherapy for you and your husband.
That's very sad and concerning, and the last thing you want to afford is for your children to suffer any of these problems in their lives too, and the best way o prevent that is by taking good care of yourself first, your marriage and from there you would be able to do your best healthiest parental job too.
Thank you for trusting me today, being this honest and open.
btw- I did talk to my doc last yr who put me on wellbutrin. didn't help much and I started to gain weight! SO guess what I did....stopped taking it
I went to a weight loss clinic where they gave me phentermine. Those seemed to do the trick! I felt better, wanted to do more, but I didn't want to keep taking them for obvious reasons.
But I could just feel myself get "happier".
Thanks for listening
Most health professionals would support and push medication and psychiatric drugs for every emotional, mental or behavioral problem. I would never agree nor support such approach, since these are very powerful drugs, with serious side effects we know of, and many more we ignore, besides of focusing on numbing symptoms while creating the illusion that things are fine, while those very symptoms are the means your body and mind use to let you know something is not working fine within you and around you, for you to work on making changes and taking better care of yourself.
That's why psychotherapy is so important.
You're very welcome
Please fee free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up
since I am here willing to support you as possible
That makes sense. I don't like meds anyhow...although I am not opposed, it just depends on the need
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX def seek you out as needed
Thank you. Take gentle care.
I appreciate your time. Have a peaceful day. :-)