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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Psychologist, Marriage and Family Therapist
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hi im going thru a very hard separation OKMH1110100

This answer was rated:

hi im going thru a very hard separation ,as there was no warning and my x has cut me off


Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I can understand how difficult it is to understand why he has cut you off without warning. It certainly is a hurtful situation and leaves you with little hope that your marriage can be saved.

Dr. L :

Would you please tell me more about why the separation occurred and what the two of you were doing to repair or rebuild your relationship.

Dr. L :

How long have you been married? Was the marriage strong and happy all along ... or has it been challenging?

Dr. L :

I would appreciate any additional information.

Dr. L :

Thanks!

Customer:

Hi,married 7 years ,my husband was a very control freak ,but we had our ups and downs ,we moved to a inland town to manage a motel ,it was hard ,he had his brother to talk with and his brother was a bad influence on him as far as telling him how to run our lives .my husband was a very loving man brought me flowers every Friday for nearly 9 years,then out of the blue we had a disagreement and he said its over no warning ,I tried to talk with him but he just closed me off ,now im left to fend for myself and pay all the bills ,im not coping with the fact that he said one day I will tell you why ,why not now so I can have closure .

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

Thank you for your response.

Dr. L :

Are you still at the hotel...or have you had to leave?

Dr. L :

What was the disagreement about?

Dr. L :

What do you believe happened? An affair? Or do you think the brother has said something that has your husband believing something bad or negative about you?

Dr. L :

Is your husband talking to you at all? Or is he totally refusing any communication?

Dr. L :

Did you consider going to couple's therapy?

Customer:

No I left the motel ,staying with family as I have no where to live and no job .the disagreement was a cumulation of work and family .not sure about affair but then anything is possible,i feel that his brother was the instigator and that he felt that I was n;t good enough for him

Customer:

I would go to therapy if my husband did as well ,but I;m feeling that his issues are from the past .he told me days ago that he has felt out of love with me for about 6 months ,I don't understand it was only 2 weeks ago that he says I love you and will always be there for you ?

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

For some reason our original chat has been erased. I will check to see what happened.

Dr. L :

Did you reply to my last posting?

Dr. L :

Hello...I've sent a message to JustAnswer to find out what has happened to your question.

Dr. L :

We can continue to chat on this new post.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry for the confusion.

Dr. L :

On my last post, I asked more questions about where you are living now, whether you had considered couple's therapy, if you husband is talking to you at all, whether you think he may have had an affair, or whether your brother in law may have said something that upset your husband. Ii wanted to also know what the fight had been about that caused him to say he was done.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry...but I can only communicate with you via chat.

Dr. L :

Do you want to try again in a few minutes?

Dr. L :

I will be available for several hours.

Customer:

ok ,im ready to chat

Dr. L :

Great....just continue then...

Customer:

I feel lost and angry that I;ve been put in this position

Customer:

there is no closure ,I've got bills to pay and he will have to talk with me on them

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand that. It truly is what has happened...life was fine and then all of a sudden...bang...he wants out...

Customer:

why

Dr. L :

What happens when you try to talk to him?

Dr. L :

Does he refuse to talk?

Dr. L :

Why....only he knows the why and he isn't sharing it with you right now. That is terribly disrespectful and hurtful.

Dr. L :

That he says he will tell you someday is unreasonable. He could tell you today if he chose to. He is being selfish.

Customer:

he says that his had this feeling for a while ,but it seems like he wants out because he cnt have the life his brother has

Dr. L :

So he is jealous of his brother? What is so good about his brother's life?

Dr. L :

Have you talked to the brother?

Customer:

his brother has a young wife who is a physcologist

Customer:

when this all happened they cut me off

Dr. L :

So you can't talk to him...or to his wife?

Customer:

when I tried to talk with them the just ignored my pleas

Dr. L :

As a psychologist she should know better!

Customer:

no they have ignored me

Dr. L :

I'm so sorry. That is really hard to understand...and accept.

Customer:

yes I believe that as a sister in-law I would have had some support

Dr. L :

Yes...and also as a psychologist she should understand how traumatic this is for you.

Dr. L :

Have you considered individual therapy so that you can gain some support for your feelings and have an opportunity to talk out your feelings?

Dr. L :

I think this is the best strategy for right now.

Customer:

well im not in the group I suppose

Customer:

what do you meen

Dr. L :

If there is a "group" and they have put you on the outside...that's very cruel.

Customer:

I do still love my husband but have come up against a brick wall with them

Dr. L :

What I mean is that I encourage you to consider going to individual therapy so that you have the opportunity to talk about your feelings and get some help and guidance.

Customer:

that is something that im willing to do

Dr. L :

One cannot turn on and off their love like a water faucet...of course you still love him.

Dr. L :

Until he explains what he is feeling and why he wants to cut it off with you...you will continue to wonder what YOU did to turn him away. But this isn't about YOU...it's about HIM. About his life choice right now.

Dr. L :

I'm glad you are willing to see a psychologist...I think it will give you some relief to have someone listen to you and support you.

Customer:

if my husband was cheating I feel that the trust would be gone and that I could except it better

Dr. L :

Unfortunately, he isn't telling you what's going on. And yes...if he would tell you...then you would have an ability to decide how to go forward with him. But right now he is offering you nothing...and so you are in a sort of limbo.

Dr. L :

You must take charge of your own life right now. You must find the strength to get professional help so that you can make good decisions and get your life back on track.

Customer:

wish it was that easy ,like I said I do still care for him even though he has hurt me badley

Dr. L :

If he is so heartless as to cut you out of his life...and his brother and wife are doing the same...then it is better to put your energy into you...rather than trying to understand them or even reach out to them.

Dr. L :

Yes..I know it's not easy...not after all those good years together. It likely seems like a bad bad dream.

Dr. L :

But you cannot let his poor choices and bad behavior ruin your life. You have a life to live...if he wants to be part of that, then he has to explain himself and ask for forgiveness.

Dr. L :

Unfortunately we cannot control someone else's behavior. As badly as he has hurt you...yes...you still love him because you have no ability to just stop feeling for him.

Dr. L :

This is a sad, but true reality about love.

Dr. L :

And surely it hurts to see that his brother and wife ignore you as well.

Dr. L :

Their behavior makes no sense.

Dr. L :

But perhaps they are ashamed of something they have done or said.

Dr. L :

Maybe they know something and don't want to be forced to tell you.

Dr. L :

Who knows what their motive is? It's best to just let that lie for now as you have no way to get to their truth unless they tell you.

Dr. L :

And...right now they are not talking.

Dr. L :

My only suggestion would be to write them a letter and ask that they do the right thing by helping you to understand their silence.

Dr. L :

Is this something you have already done or would consider?

Customer:

I was goingspeak with them but I got the silent

Dr. L :

Then consider a letter...keep it short and to the point...

Dr. L :

I see you are having difficulties again with logging in.

Dr. L :

Not to worry...I am here and will continue to monitor for your chat..

Customer:

just had a melt down and tried calling my husband he was addiment that the house is to be sold

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