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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4748
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Hi, Im separated from my wife for OKMH119100

Resolved Question:

Hi, I'm separated from my wife for about 5 Months. But sexually we had been separated for years. I met someone I could have had a hook up or a one night stand. She had a nice body and I was attracted to her sexually. (not emotionally). We tried to have sex, and I wanted to do it. However, I didn't get an erection. We then try another time, and as long as it is oral sex I get hard and I come. But as soon as I try to have sex or put on a condom I immediately lose the erection. This happened a few times already where I could only get a blow job. There was someone else in the house my Mom that I was nervous about her finding out. So when her friend and I tried to do it, I know I was too nervous for normal sex, but I was ok for oral. However we went out just me and her, and we still couldn't do it. Probably in part cause we tried to do it in the car. I just couldn't get hard unless it was oral sex. I feel horrible about it. This happened to me before a few years back when me and my wife had decided not to have a sexual relationship. I met a girl that I was attracted to physically but I didn't like other wise. Then after her, I met another girl and with her I was able to have sex normally. And I didn't even like this girl as much as I like the other ones. :-(

Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having these issues sexually

Dr. Z :

What you are describing though is commonly called "performance anxiety" and because this happened with women that you liked more means that you most likely were thinking about this issue more and you were also more nervous because you did not want to let the other women down or disappoint the other woman sexually

Dr. Z :

Now because you were able to have sexual intercourse normally with a woman that you did not like much is because you were not concerned about disappointing her sexually, so you were not anxious/nervous.

Dr. Z :

Also you were able to achieve orgasm during oral sex because once again you were not concerned about disappointing the other women sexually as oral sex is more so about your sexual arousal and pleasure, so there was no nervousness there.

Dr. Z :

Typically if you get more used to the women and not as nervous/anxious then this performance anxiety goes away

Dr. Z :

Some common techniques to help prevent this issue is to engage in more foreplay to help distract you from this issue and to help keep your sexual arousal high

Dr. Z :

Other techniques that are commonly employed is using anti-anxiety techniques that can help you overcome this issue or to see a therapist to help with performance anxiety. This book has some good anti-anxiety techniques that can help in these situations if you would like.

Dr. Z :

Another technique is also to use something called a "cock ring" that keeps your penis erect despite anxiety, so that you are able to achieve quality sexual intercourse

Dr. Z :

Also there is a medication that is an antidepressant called Wellbutrin that can help with this issue and actually reverse it, but I do not think you are at this point where you need that, but I wanted to mention it so I can tell you all of your treatment options.

Dr. Z :

Some other good anxiety techniques is the use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques that can be very effective. CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.


 

Dr. Z :

In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping lessen anxiety symptoms. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.

Dr. Z :

This is a link for something called Progressive Muscle Relaxation that can help you create a long term calm by using muscle tension and release techniques; it can help manage your anxiety and is very similar to a style of meditation.

Dr. Z :

I see that you are online, so please feel free to ask me any questions or concerns that you may have

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4748
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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