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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I live in Spain, divorced and remarried. My daughter is in

Resolved Question:

I live in Spain, divorced and remarried. My daughter is in England and our relationship is dysfunctional. My fault and I take resposibility for that.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 8 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your situation. Please feel free to reply or join the chat in order for us to dialogue about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am here looking forward to talking with you.

Customer:

Thank you but I am concerned re. confidentiality.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. We have two options then: One is that I could block public access to this chat once we end, the other one would be to set a confidential counseling session through another interface. I am willing to support you either way, through a reply here or with counseling support.

Customer:

ok if you block access at end of chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure I will.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please tell me about your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Are you from original from Spain?

Customer:

I divorced and remarried 20 years ago. Traumatic at the time for all invoved. However I moved on to a senior position in education and am now retired and living in Spain. Have written a book, got a fulilling life but my daughter is now an adult and no longer wants contact with me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation. For how long has your daughter been this way towards you and what led to it?

Customer:

To other people we had a good relationship for 10 years after my divorce.She then met her future husband went for counselling with him and he is high profile in the U.K. but also has issues. For the past10 years she has really felt uncomfortable with me. Financially I helped them to buy a house near her dad and cousins but now she feels threatened by me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is truly sad. then your relationship has not been good , specially since your divorce. What is what leads her to feel this uncomfortable, is it mainly the fact you got divorced, personality differences, values, expectations? You have supported them financialy, which should be a good reason for them to be and feel very grateful towards you, but it has actually been the opposite.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What's her biggest fear about you, threatened by what?

Customer:

I think it is all three. I was in a bad place when I divorced suicidal at one point but I got through it. Very traumatic for her at the time. I don't blame her but she finds it difficult to have a strong feminist mother who has been succeesful in her career re. the money I feel that she thinks she deserves it for the upset I have caused her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, it makes sense. Divorce and suicidal risks-attempts could be very traumatic for the very person go goes through them, as well as for those around, specially for young children. But now she is an adult and I do not see you have been any abusive nor neglectful, but very supportive to her and her partner, that is reality, and for her to retaliate against you because of your own suffering and the unavoidable pain you all went through to this point in her life is very insensitive and abusive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems like she is a spoiled adult, unable and unwilling to even respect you, but feeling entitle and fine using you for her financial and material benefit.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Which is obviously overwhelmingly painful for anybody in your shoes.

Customer:

Thank you for that.It is exactly what my husband and his family feel but I STIL

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am afraid your daughter has developed personality problems leading her too be this manipulative and abusive, which is absolutely sad, but needs to be faced for you to take good care of yourself and not to expose to further manipulation or abuse, obvious or subtle and any level, or you would enable more of it, which for sure would not truly help her while lead to you self-sabotage.

Customer:

sorry but my cat intterupted me. I still feel so guilty and think she is not to blame. She is devoted to her fathers family and is reliant on them to meet her emotional needs. I can't be there so I just deal with reactive situations. I have tried to encourage her to tell me what is wrong via counselling etc.but she has told me to stay out of her life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and serious. It should never be about blaming but about taking full responsibility for her own feelings, choices and actions as an adult, and it is obvious that she is not doing that at all, but chooses to be this mean and emotionally verbally abusive, while using you financially. What I also see here is that your love and caring has led you enable her serious personality and mental health disorders, as well as her abusive ways, which could never truly help her nor you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thus the more you engage in this codependent and abusive circle, the more distorted and abusive her ego would get, then her life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not a healthy and wise way to take good care of yourself, your relationship, nor to support her; it just creates and promotes more pain and wounding. I am sure that you could feel terrified about facing this reality and ending the codependent attachment-relationship, but unless you do it, you would continue to self-sabotage and hurt yourself, enabling her hurtful and abusive ways too.

Customer:

Wow you are vey perceptive.She constantly wounds be via social networking by referring to her wonderful family. I don't know whether this is deliberate but it is hurtfull.I could be totally wrong but I and my close friends and family think it is designed to punish me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad, but real, you experience it and it's obvious to those around you who care about you.

Customer:

I know but I need to move on.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do commit to work on your healing and rehabilitation processes, coming to terms with the fact that she is the only one with the power and responsibility to take good care of herself, and if she chooses not to be a healthy and mature adult daughter, there is nothing you could do about it but to take good care of yourself, set and keep healthy and clear boundaries in consistent ways and focus on what truly depends on you. She has her own path, and it is her who needs to walk it.

Customer:

Thank you for you valuable advice.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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