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I am so sorry to hear about these relationship issues you are having with your partner, I can understand how distressing this is for you
You mentioned that he wanted to keep this relationship "quiet," why did he want this?
Also may I ask for how long have you been in a relationship with this man for and has it always been a commuter relationship?
Well commuter relationships are very difficult for couples, so that definitely adds to this, but him not trusting people from Dubai is interesting. You think he would be flattered that you were talking about him in a positive way to your friends
Your question also stated that you may have more details, what other details would you like to add?
I am sorry to hear this, stress that can definitely have a negative impact on your relationship as well
Would you describe him as a very prideful man?
Yeah that is what I thought, I think he may have been feeling ashamed and this caused him stress/anxiety and that is what led him to break-up with you, although he may not be even know that this was the reason as this shame can be subconscious
Yeah he may be feeling shame and that he is not worthy of being in a relationship with you, which I know you do not find to be true, but he may because of his pride
He may change his mind about this as he starts to miss you a lot
It is possible that there could be another woman, but from what you have described that does not seem to be the case. I would definitely give him time to process it and let him come to you if you choose. In about a week or two, you can write him a letter expressing your feelings for him and also how you want to support him through this.
That may have been too soon, but I am sure he will read and re-read it in time and that will start to hit him hard emotionally and it may be a driving force to help him come back to you
Okay, well you can still send a letter or email in a 1-2 weeks being more positive of your feelings about him and how you will support and care for him no matter what, so when he wants to contact you, he can do so at anytime.
I think it does sound like control, but it also may be that he was ashamed that you may tell him that he does not have a job and that is something that he is very sensitive about it appears
That is good that he tells you that, but he may not necessarily believe it because of his pride
And those high expectations just cause more shame and stress when he does not meet them, which is unfortunate. And when he feels shameful or stressed he feels vulnerable, which he does not like and that causes him to push the people closest to him away
Yes he definitely is pushing you away because he does not like being vulnerable and open with others. It can be resolved, but he must learn to open up with those closest to him and start to trust others, namely you more with his vulnerability and insecurities.
But with a commuter relationship that may be very difficult to achieve a successful resolution unfortunately
That definitely can cause these issues with pride, self-confidence, not being emotionally vulnerable with others, and high expectations for himself.
Okay, if you are used to it than it is definitely possible to resolve, but it will take time and understanding, and he will have to be more trusting and open with his feelings to you, so that you both can communicate effectively
He may open up in time, and I think he may still trust you and just used that as an excuse. It appears that although he values trust, no one is is capable of earning his trust on an emotional level as he does not like being vulnerable with others.
You can apologize and you can just say that you were saying positive things about him because you are so happy to be with him, this should help the situation
That is because if he trusts someone he thinks he may get hurt like when he was a child.
So no one is worthy of earning his trust, he guards it to well, so when someone gets close, he will just push them away
He will have to learn to be vulnerable with those closes to him if he wants a meaningful relationship
That is good
Did you meet his family at all?
And that abuse as a child is what makes him learn not to trust because his family are the first relationships he had and that did not work out well for him, so it taught him to not trust, which he carries to this day in other relationships.
That is good that he wanted you to meet his sons, that is progress
This can be resolved, but he will have to take the initiative to change and maybe go to therapy to help too
That is very sweet actually, and it just shows how great an impact his abusive childhood had and still has on him to this day
That is good to hear that your father and family loved him
But if he wont see that he is the one that needs to change, then most likely the relationship will not work as this issue will come up again
That is the tough one, but the best way is to not tell him directly. Usually I would recommend couple's therapy for the both of you and you can use a lot of pronouns like "we" and "us" to help show that this is a team effort and that no one is to blame. But because you two are in a commuter relationship it may be difficult to achieve couples therapy, although some places allow for 3 way teleconference. Still if he wants to resume the relationship and you can hold on until he moves to your country, then you can try to see a couple's therapist and work on it together.
If you blame him directly though and say that he needs to change, this will cause him to be defensive and push him away, so that is something we do not want
Instead you want to say that there are things you and him can work on as a couple to strengthen the relationship together
So that is what you have to do, to show him that you both need work to do, even though this is primarily him that needs the treatment, but if you make a sacrifice it can help him at least respond positively to treatment.
I would like to recommend a couple books that can help you too
Those two are very high quality that I use with patients all the time.
Yes, you are not at fault at all for this
Yes I am sure, your partner's issues with being vulnerable and open are what are causing these issues and it is quite common with someone who experienced his level of child abuse
I am so sorry that the anxiety is effecting your thoughts in this way, but you are definitely not at all fault at all
Wow, so he has trust issues for good reasons then and this is not you
I think this is a defense mechanism he uses to protect his fragile psyche and it is very fragile obviously
Well you want to point out objectively what you did and then point out that it is possible his negative perception caused him to think that what you did was wrong, when that was not your intent. And then afterwards say that you will not do that behavior again or you will ask next time, etc...This way you are not fully blaming him and you are not taking the full blame. Again it is a sacrifice on your part a little bit, but it will help him think more objectively and build a compromise that you both can agree on
Yeah I think he will respond well to that too. The books will also have good interaction techniques too
Relationships can be very complicated, but they can be worthwhile too
Well I hope that he will get closer to you and let you in more to his heart in the near future
Yes, give him some time and space and if you contact him too soon it may overwhelm him
So contact him in 1-2 weeks
Good, is there anything else I can assist you with?
Yes one month is too long if he has not contacted you
Yes unfortunately I think if he has not contacted you after one month then it would be best to move on with your life
You as well and I wish you all the best with this man and I hope he contacts you very soon because you obviously care a lot about him. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much