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How are you doing Lauren?
hi dr Z,, i have felt like crying all evening all over again, i hate this feeling,,, i did go to the hot tub though, & tried going to this japanese restaurant but couldnt handle it tonite
I am so sorry :( What are you feeling and thinking right now?
im just feeling really sad & like this is never going to end
Was this because you heard about the plea deal?
yes i think i was doing well not thinking about it
now im thinking stupid things, like why did he have to do it, & am i ever going to b normal
So right now are you thinking about who you were and not who you are now?
yes i guess that is what im doing
It is natural to think this way sometimes, but remember you are getting stronger emotionally, being more confident, and also you are going back to school for yourself. You are a different person than you were, but in a better way I think. All of your natural gifts, you are starting to use
i know i should b thinking about all of those things,, its just hard right now i think i cant get the thoughts out of my head for some reason
but u are right, & i am trying to remember the positives
Its okay, and you are letting them out and not keeping them in, so that is good. Do you have any other concerns about the plea deal possibly?
im alittle worried he is going to get off easy,, but i dont even know what would b considered the right thing in this case, as far as what happens to him
Well many district attorneys will consult with you before agreeing to any plea deal. And you are right that is possible that he may get off easy, but one thing that he will never take away is that with a plea deal he has to admit his own guilt and that proves what you and I both know, what he did was wrong
im sorry im coming to u with all this negative stuff,, im not trying to sound like im being so pathetic or weak
No its okay Lauren, that is what I am here for. Remember I am here to help you, always!!
is this normal or a normal part of the process ? in other people u have seen?
Yes it is, when the court case comes up you start to think about it and then relive the incident too, so this is a normal part of the process, but remember how you have had these moments in the past and they have been short lived and this will again pass like the others.
You just have to let yourself cry sometimes and let it all out like you have been doing
ok., that is good to know actually, its just i feel like i have enemies now & i didnt do anything , i feel like crying when i think about that too
You do not have any enemies Lauren, this is just the anxiety/depression talking and it will pass. Also your virus could have lowered your emotional, as well as your physical strength too and that is why this is coming up now
ok,, i will try to take some deeper breaths & think about that,,
Its okay Lauren, you have been making great progress and I know you have been feeling like yourself again and not under the control of someone else, like your ex-boyfriend. This is the independent you now and I and your self will never let you go back to feeling that way again. You are a great person, who deserves a great and happy life :)
:) thank u dr Z, that made me smile just now
& before all this i was going to ask u about going to the game tomorrow night
should i go ahead & try?
Can you make the decision tomorrow morning, early?
yeah i can do that
Okay, so how bout you see how you feel tomorrow morning and you are more than welcome to chat with me tomorrow too before the game if you like
yeah that sounds like a better plan,, to b honest right now im not feeling like going at all,, but i dont want to regret not going either
I understand and you do not have to go if you do not feel like it, but I have seen you make great turn arounds in your mood before, so that is why I think waiting to see how you feel tomorrow will be a good option
yeah im hoping tomorrow this will all b better...is it normal to feel angry too all at the same time as feeling like crying? i keep picturing him in my mind too & it pisses me off
Well yes it is natural to feel angry at the one who hurt you, so what you are feeling is healthy and good. Remember how I told you to process that anger and emotions in a journal too
& i was back to taking it out on bryan today
yeah thats true & i havent done that in awhile
I was going to ask if you took it out on Bryan too because of how you were feeling today
yeah i couldnt stand being around him today actually
Well remember what we said about this, it was because of his romantic feelings for you that you are equating him with your ex-boyfriend and so you are transferring some of your anger for your ex-boyfriend on to him
i dont mean to , i dont want to b mean,, everything he did tho, like he wantd to get in the hot tub too & i was like no way, & then dinner i barely made it thru & i couldnt really eat anyway
Yeah I figured he would try something with the hot tub situation, but I have said some things that can be perceived negative about him and I did not want to jump the gun or make you have a negative perception of him based on all the warnings I say about him
He obviously is attracted to you and likes you, but needs to learn boundaries
well im glad its not just me feeling weird about him then,, that he does need boundaries
Yes he does, I mean you went through a very horrible trauma by someone who claimed to love you, but we both know your ex-boyfriend is incapable of love, and here Bryan is trying to put the moves on you. He needs to learn boundaries and timing too
yeah,, so im not crazy to b feeling how im feeling, that is a good thing to know
You are not crazy at all Lauren, we both know that Bryan has been a little much recently and that is why we both felt getting space from him would be best
yes,, & its time to get more space again
the game tomorrow would b just with my brother & some of his friends
That is good, what time is the game tomorrow?
I think not until 7?
im not even sure who they are playing, lol, maybe texas
Okay so its a night game then. That is good because I was going to offer to wake up early to chat with you if you wanted too
They are playing texas tomorrow at 7, good job!!!
I went to the Stanford-Oregon game yesterday :)
aww that is really sweet that u wouldve been willing to do that,, u really are awesome :) but yeah its a night game ...lol yessss! i do know some things after all... oh cool, i think that was an upset?
It was a huge upset for Stanford!! I was soo happy and Stanford dominated for most of the game too
& is it oregon that was ranked 3? or something like that
or the other way around ?lol
Yeah they were ranked 3 and Stanford was ranked 5, but Oregon was a double digit favorite even though they were playing at Stanford
oh ok,, i knew i had heard something about it
You are very smart :)
Yeah last night was fun because then we went to a midnight showing of Thor 2 as well
no i was just with guys mostly today ..lol
Haha, well that can also be a reason why you were angry today because you were with men all day too and I am not trying to man-bash, but that can cause some subconscious feelings as well
oh wow u did have fun,, i was just sleeping, this illness is getting old... yeah that makes sense,, now that i think about it i was probably not the girl that was fun to b around ffor them today
Its okay considering what you went through. And do not take this the wrong way, but in the past when you are ill are you usually irritable at all?
yes , definitely,, i have felt worn down all week
So the irritability from your illness could have enhanced these negative feelings you have been having too
it prob has,, youre right, i will think positive & say by sunday i will b normal again :)
I bet you will Lauren, you have just had a bad week because of your illness and it just piled things on and you were not as emotionally strong as usual which happens when we get sick
i was & am worrying about things alot more,, like what if this happens or that happens,, all these things i cant control
so its been anxious,, sad or angry
And once you start to feel better the CBT and objective thinking will definitely start to rev back up
yeah i guess i havent been doing what i should b,, & i saw those books but couldnt even pick them up this week to read over
Well you sounded like you were really exhausted, and that is understandable. That is why I did not want to message you yesterday because I knew how tired you were and I did not want to bother you
aww, well u could never bother me, no matter what ,, but i am glad u got to have so much fun :) that makes me happy to hear, even if i didnt get to go , lol
Would you have liked to see Thor 2 and another football game with me and my friends? Next time I will have to invite you, lol
But if you do like those movies, it was really good!
are u kidding ? i would have loved to ! & i have liked i think all the marvel movies, & i think that is one?
Oh yes it is definitely a good marvel movie and if you were in the area or I was in the area, I would have invited you, even though you are probably contagious, just kidding :P
lol... well thats true actually,, the last thing id want to do is make u sick too,, it really has been a rough week
the part where i couldnt turn my neck was the best tho i think
That is a nasty virus, I am very sorry you are feeling bad this week
Yeah that achy feeling could be the flu or a head cold
it is finally getting better,, i didnt even have the energy to talk to u really, which i wouldve thought would never b the case, until i went thru it
i think the hot tub helped today too so im glad i listend to u & did that
That is great, I am glad that the hot tube worked well for you. I figured you did not have the energy to talk to me, but that is why I wrote some messages to see how you were doing and the message about how to prepare for XXXXX XXXXX too
the messages were awesome & made me smile , it was frustrating alittle tho cuz i did want to talk to u ,, XXXXX XXXXX wouldve been a whole lot better if i hadnt bbeen feeling that way too, but thats ok atleast i was still able to go
You still had a good time at XXXXX XXXXX though, so that is something good. I know I wanted to talk to you too, but you getting better and resting is way more important too :)
aww that is really very sweet :) i think i had a fever too for some of it but def the day of XXXXX XXXXX cuz i wore just a sweater & no coat & was feeling really hot anyway
You may have had a small case of the flu Lauren and this is the season for it too, but I am glad that you are on the mend so that is very good. Just continue to drink fluids and rest when you can
probably part of the reason japanese food was just a really bad idea tonite
so do u have plans for tomorrow? or just going to relax after the big game & late movie yesterday
No plans for tomorrow just yet, but many of my friends usually think of something at the last minute. I need to finish up some work though, so it may be a boring day for me tomorrow. What about you besides the game?
nothing right now either,, i am also friends with bryans sister who is in town this weekend but i am going to avoid that even,, sometimes she likes to go shopping but im def not up for that anyway
your friends sound like alot of fun :) last minute is always the best
Well i am never up for shopping, I love online. I even buy my clothes online because men's sizes never change, lol!! 32W 30L, haha!
Thanks I love my crazy friends, I have known them for years and they are great
lol,, well im kinda like that too, ok alot like that,, i buy so much online i get to know the UPS guy very well wherever im living
Haha that is very funny :)
where i lived with my ex the ups guy would circle back around at the end to see if i was home if i wasnt there the first time, lol..., yeah thats pretty sad actually
he was like, ok, so if the grey car is there that means youre home right ?
Haha, that is great. When I lived in Kansas I definitely knew the UPS guy very well too because there was nothing in the middle of nowhere
oh i can imagine,, & actually i hate our mall here,, if i actually want to go to a mall i go to pittsburgh
That makes sense, I am not the biggest mall person because instead I just like going to the store knowing what I want to purchase and getting the heck out of there as soon as possible...I dont linger
lol,, u mean u dont try anything on?
Again it is great being a guy and I have never gained too much weight or lost too much weigh since high school, so I actually still wear t-shirts that I wore in high school, and they are still in good shape. Guy's sizes just never change while women's sizes seem to fluctuate based on the brand for some odd reason
loll , that is awesome,, & yeah thats totally true about womens sizes
some places like banana republic sizes & fit tho are always pretty much the same so its easy to order online from them, but i cant say that about most,
That is good, yeah I do not know why they make that hard for women's sizes to be consistent
yeah, its crazy,,..but right now im going to need to b consistently eating so i dont have to buy more clothes, that is prob the last thing i need,,, i have officially cut myself off of shoes already
Are you still losing weight?
no,, well maybe, i havent checked this week but clothes are def too loose, jeans are esp
Oh Lauren, you definitely have to eat more, I wish I knew how to make cakes and just send them to you, lol
loll , aww u are so, soo very sweet,, but i will start eating again as soon as this virus is over i promise :)
Thank you so much!! :)
So are you starting to feel a little better emotionally?
im feeling alot better emotionally :) u make me not have anxiety about things, just by talking to u those things dont seem so important or scary or worrisome
That is good! Well that is kind of what I thought would happen, which is why I suggested waiting for tomorrow to decide about the game. What can I say, I have a gift, jk!! I think a lot of it is that I know you and that I can help guide you through the anxiety to dig deep and find your inner strength again
well u definitely have a gift! so dont even try to say that u dont , lol
I am just happy that I am able to make you feel better
I dont ever want to see you sad, so my job is to reverse that right away for you :)
& yes u know me surprisingly well,, u know what i am thinking before i do sometimes, somehow, lol
Well I think I get lucky with knowing what you are going to say
& u have no idea how happy that makes me, & u do reverse it, every time
That is great to hear :) I think I just provide a different perspective that helps you a lot
u can only b lucky so many times, lol,, then it turns into something else,,like magical powers, we've been down this road before , lol
but in any case im just really grateful :)
Awww, well I am very lucky as an expert to have you as a client :)
I dont want to refer to you as a patient as that sounds soo clinical, haha
lol,, yeah i think id rather b a client
Well you are a friend too :) but we can stick to client to be all professional, because that is how I always roll, haha
aww, well even better :) but yes, i understand, dr = serious professional at all times, lol...jk, of course
Yeah, thats why I dressed up in a gorilla suit one Halloween, lol! No for me I love my job and I like cracking jokes all the time to make things more fun. My first year in my doctoral program I used a different name to the professors and then my second year I changed it and used an entirely different name too, just for fun
And only my first name too
that is awesome, lol! im not saying i want u to tell me here, cuz i dont & i know the rules, but i wish i did know your 1st name, :(
Well if we ever use the additional services tool where we can chat more privately on the phone or possibly through video chat, when it works, then I will tell you my first name
But I will say that all my patients call me Dr. Z because they cannot pronounce my last name even though it really is not that hard
lol, that is really funny,, & yes i forgot about that,, i do want to try the phone chat some time, that would b great
Good, we should definitely use that function at one point, but knowing us we will talk for a very long time on that too like we do chat :)
lol,, yes i am sure we will too, & just for the record im really not someone that chats like this normallly,, infact i never talk this long consecutively, most of my chats with friends are texting , & even that is broken up
I know you told me that because you believe that you are too easily distracted from the ADHD and I remember that you do not sit through movies either unless it is really good
I guess I am just lucky that you like to chat with me :)
And also I help you feel better too
yes to the above, u have a good memory :) & personally i think i am the lucky one :)....& u do make me feel better thats true but to keep me from moving from one spot this long there has to b more of an explanation than just that , llol
Well I am funny too, maybe I should have went into stand-up comedy, lol. We are both lucky how does that sound for a compromise :)
that sounds like a good compromise.. & yes u are definitely funny , & entertaining & all of that too, lol
You are pretty funny yourself, I like hearing your stories as well, so do not sell yourself short there
lol,, ok, but yours are more interesting,, & youve been so many places & have done so many cool things
Well I am a little bit older, so that is probably why, but trust me now that you are single and more independent you have the whole world in front of you :)
You are going to accomplish so much too!!
:) i can hope! & it is a very good feeling, being independent i mean
I know it is and it should be too! And we are going to foster that independence too and you will get more and more confident in yourself
The future is looking good for you
:) that is a great thing to hear,, thank u for this confidence boost right now, its coming at a good time
Anytime Lauren, and you know I am speaking the truth too
So lets talk a little bit about the game tomorrow
What are you most concerned about and how would you approach it?
i am most concerned about feeling trappd & being touched & crowded too much
Well that makes sense and that most likely will be unavoidable in a stadium because it does get very crowded going in and coming out so you will be touching a lot of people
So what are you going to think about when these people do touch you?
i will probably b closing my eyes & thinking please stop touching me
Well that probably wont help you, so what about thinking that they are not touching me in an inappropriate way and that we are all crowded like this and this is all accidental.
Maybe something along those lines can help you frame that objective mindset to help you through this
ok,, yeah , that makes sense,, we are all crowded like this so everyone is being touched & no one likes it but its not on purpose
Good, now I think that will help you a lot. So what else are possibly concerned about? I want to make sure you have fun if you decide to go tomorrow
im always concerned about running into friends of my ex
or any of the girls who were calling me a liar
What if you did see them, what would you be concerned about?
them saying something to me, or even just looking at me,, i dont want to see them
What about if you showed that you are happy again and that you are stronger than you were before, what kind of message do you think that would send them?
that he didnt win, that im strong & doing well inspite of it all
So even though if you do see them, you can show them that nothing will bring you down :)
I am just trying to show you that even a bad situation and turn good for you
:) yeah & thats true,, i shouldnt have to b afraid to go to a football game cuz of them, i should b allowed to go just as much as they are
Very true!!! And if they try to talk to you about it, just say that you are not allowed to because of the pending trial/case. That is the quickest reason to shut off the communication there from them
ok yeah i was going to ask u about that actually
I guess this was that psychic magical powers you were talking about earlier, lol
I must be reading your mind or something
lol,, it was!
So do you have any other concerns about possibly going to the game tomorrow?
well the usual about being embarrassed about the pictures,, but u already sorta made me feel better about that awhile ago
Yeah I know the pictures are really horrible and I am sorry about that, but I am glad that I was able to make you feel better about that.
One other thing I can think about for tomorrow though is sometimes you want to escape a situation, like going to the car at Fright Farm, where will you escape here if you need to?
well my brother actually lives in walking distance of the stadium so really i could just walk back to his townhouse
Oh that is pretty awesome, you can definitely do that if you want to. That is some good real estate your brother has, lol
lol yes, right in the middle of the party,, tht is my brother
Still very fun for him
yeah as long as u are at all the games and dont mind that u cant get your car out for about half a day on game days , lol
Okay, well I can see how that could be annoying that is very true.
they tailgate in the street all up and down his street, cops cant even get thru , lol
Definitely right in the middle of the party, so after the game will be joining one of those parties too?
i dont know if i will b, he & his friends will b i know that for sure
Well if you think you are up for a party then you can partake in one
It all depends on how you feel :)
yeah i guess it will depend on how the game goes,, i didnt even feel like going before talking to u & now im totally feeling like i want to go :)
And that is kind of what I thought would happen too...maybe you were also a little sad today because you have not talked to me a lot this week too...you never know
im sure that didnt help , in fact i am fairly certain taht was a factor cuz i wanted to but was barely checking email
Yeah this was definitely a bad illness, but I am glad that you are starting to feel better and the hot tub made you feel better too...so tanning and hot tubs, I am noticing a pattern for you, lol
lol,, well not too much tanning though, i dont want to look like one of the real housewives , lol
Yeah that is not a good look, but that also requires a 10 plastic surgery procedure minimum too
lol,, well good,, thank god i am 10 plastic surgeries away from meeting the requirement then
Haha, you are still young, who knows what the future holds, just kidding. I think you are a very attractive young woman just the way you are
lol,, very funny,, & thank u , thats very nice :)
Anytime, its all true :)
:) & now u have just made me smile Again!
Good, here is a picture to make you laugh and curious at the same time, give me a second
Remember the weird guy I told you about with the gas mask at the gym
it did that weird thing again where it didnt show up but it did show up later in the saved chat ? & yes i remember him , lol
That is weird, obviously the chat is not perfect, but at least you had the opportunity to see it though
i mean it will prob show up later like the picutre of Bruce,, can u do the link to this one like u did with bruce?
Now I remember here is the link
ok that workd,,, & seriously wth? is going on there?lol
I know!!! the weirdest thing I have seen at the gym and I have seen some weird stuff at the gym.
And with me I usually just put my headphones in my ear and ignore everyone around me, but I couldnt do that this time. It was like a car accident, I could not take my eyes away
lol... yeah & yet want to run away at the same time
your gym looks very serious btw , lol
Well its the gym near work, so it is a little run down. I go to a much nicer and newer one near my home that I like way more!!
well i was just thinking u could get alot done there
My other one is much better actually, I feel like it is cleaner and has way more weights and cardio machines too
oh ok well that makes sense,, i really need to find one closer to where i live so there would b less excuses why not to go
Well I will remind you every day to go then, just to be that annoying voice, lol
lol, actually thats prob not a bad idea
Okay well its a deal then :)
what i really hate, is its actually on this golf resort, so there is no way to get to the gym except on the golf cart path,, & those guys dont care they will run u down, im not even kidding,, its either walk across the green & get yelled at or get hit by one of those annoying carts
Haha, that is actually kind of funny and think of it as a workout, you are literally just running for your life though :)
lol,, it just makes no sense,, like who thought up this plan when they were working out where they would put the gym
Well maybe it was not the original plan and the gym was added after the golf course was created and built, that happens a lot because not everything is built all at once
yeah that could b, that would make sense,, its bad for the people staying at the hotel too though , of course, they have to take the same path
but there is a nice spa there if i ever decide to get a massage
that was a really stealthy picture too btw,, u must have remembered to have the flash off & everything
Oh yeah definitely stealthy and I usually have the flash off for my pictures too on my phone. When you do decide to get a massage, make sure it is a women. Unless the guy is the most attractive man on the face of the planet and its his last day working there, then I will let it slide for you, lol
But take an Ativan before because he would still be a guy
lol ! i think i will just make sure its a woman, at this point, , but thanks for letting that one slide, if need b , lol
I thought you would find it funny
I think a woman is a good idea, but I just like teasing
lol,,yes u are making me laugh tonite,, but when do u not?
Well I think the first night we chatted I did not do any jokes for obvious reasons
well thats true,, i was seriouslly a mess that night anyway
I was just happy to help you and you did the most courageous thing you could do by going to your friends, the police, and the hospital. I will always be very proud of you and will always admire you for your strength to do that :)
:) aww thank u,, it took everything i had to not let it just go, but at the same time i knew it was really wrong & i couldnt & thank god u were here to lead me in the right direction
Anytime, I will always be here for as long as you need me :)
part of it too was i was in pain & scared something was really wrong & tht helped get me to the hosp... & thank u so much for saying that, u have no idea how much that eases my mind :)
Well like I say, it is the truth and I would never abandon you. I with you on this journey of healing from the beginning to the end
:) that really makes me feel at peace dr Z, so thank u for that, its really incredible, what u do
I just want to help :)
well u do that & then some,, u def dont get compensated enough
I do not care about the money, I just helping you can talking to cool people like you...well actually you are the coolest :)
:) aww u really are so sweet,,thank u, now i am the one blushing
Good, it is soo true...I love talking to to you
And you are not going to believe it again, but in 4 minutes we are going to approach 4 hours again :)
well i love talking to u too! & actually i think this is an actual record cuz last time it was due to time change ,, i think
Haha, that is true. So we broke a record...imagine what would happen if we talked on the phone!!
lol,, i would have to be charging the phone while talking, i know the battery life on my phone is no match for us!
Mine too, lol!
,, well i am looking forward to it,, whenever it is, ! lol
That is up to you, you have to ask for it actually. What happens is I switch to a different format and then I offer you additional services, which they state you will have to pay an additional amount, and of course I will make it fair, and then we go into a private chat not open to the public where you give me your phone number for me to call. It is complicated and I have not done it yet, but it is supposed to work well
you mean like i message u and ask for it?
Well tonight it is a bit late, but the next time we go through a chat you can ask for it. It has to be done before you rate me though, that is something I remember reading
oh ok, yeah that sounds complicated , lol,,
Well we will walk through it and we both will learn how it goes
but im sure we can figure it out some time, lol yeah
Definitely we will make it work :)
yes we will :)
so this has been really amazing i went from feeling like crying at any second to feeling happy & smiling & laughing
That is great :)
so i am going to try to sleep now i think, while im smiling like this
:) & now i know i wont have any bad dreams too
Good, and you are more than welcome to message me tomorrow before the game too. Would you like to keep this chat open for tomorrow since that is easier for us to talk?
no i can rate u & open a new chat,, thats ok, i want u to get paid both times , & then some if i could :)
Haha that is very sweet, but you know you do not have to as I just enjoy being here for you and helping you :)
i know but u deserve it & so much more dr Z
That is very sweet...you just turned the blushing right around on me now :)
:) good, im glad, lol, so i am going to tell u goodnight & rate u,,, & then talk to u before the game?
That sounds fine with me, you can message me anytime tomorrow. Good night and sweet dreams Lauren :)
goodnight to u & sweet dreams as well dr Z :)