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Hello I believe I can help you with your question
May I ask, are you asking about the use of these medications to try to commit suicide and if so why?
Yes but I want to make sure they will really work and not just make me sick. I've tried before but I didn't take enough pills.
Ethically, I and no one else on this website can assist you with your desire to commit suicide by giving you advice on how to overdose on medications. I am sorry that you are feeling this way, is there anyway I can convince you that suicide is not the best option for you
OK. How about... I'm researching for a book I'm writing?
I'm going to take them regardless. I just wanted to make sure they would really do the job. I've researched lethal doses of both the hydroxyzine and the sertraline online and indiviually they aren't enough but I'm hoping they will be together especially if I throw in the thyroid meds.
I can't ask anyone else because they know who I am and they will stop me.
I will pay the full price for this chat before I take them I promise.
Please. There is nothing else I can do.
I am not going to do this for the money, I would rather help you. I am very sorry that you feel this way and I would like to urge you to reconsider, all I can tell you is that taking this many medications all at once have a greater likelihood of causing brain damage, especially the thryoid pills as taking that many will cause hyperthyroidism and can lead to hemorrhaging which may kill you, but may instead cause severe brain damage instead.
There is a possibility that this can be lethal and I would not recommend it, I think you should go to your nearest hospital and get treated for these suicidal ideations. If people want to stop you, that means you are a value to other people and people want to be there for you
I want to just take the pills, lay down and got to sleep and never wake up. My house is empty until Sunday evening so they can't find me and stop it. But I don't want to just cause brain damage or something. I don't want to go back into the hospital. I can't do that. I have read all the stats on how children after a certain age aren't more likely to die from suicide if a parent kills herself. And my youngest is thirteen now. That was the age the study says makes the difference.
I was doing well but I crashed about a month or so ago. I have stopped seeing my therapist, stopped going out with friends, stopped going to church, even stopped going to work for a while. I've gone back to work now but I am so bad at what I do that it really doesn't make any difference if I am there or not.
Children will always be saddened and go through depression or symptoms of PTSD no matter what age they are when you decide to end your life. Every child is different and your youngest and your other children will be profoundly effected by your suicide.
And on top of being incompetent in my career, I also filed sexual harrassment charges on a colleague today and now everyone will hate me because it is my word against his.
You don't understand. I am not a good mother to begin with.
So it sounds like you are very much stressed and in a severe state of depression, but things can get better with the right course of treatment, there is always hope
I did call the suicide hotline twice today but I hung up both times. They can trace a call, can't they?
No they do not trace calls at the suicide hotline
I have done the treatment route. No matter how many counseling sessions I log or how many meds I take, I will still be dirty icky me who doesn't do anything right and doesn't deserve to live.
I worked at one as an intern long ago and they do not trace the calls that is why they get as much personal information as possible to help the person
I asked if she could tell where I was calling from and she told me my number showed up
can you trace me?
You are a very valuable person who matters to many people and I do not want to see you making this big decision
I cannot trace you at all, the website keeps your personal information private from the experts and vice versa
OK, you are supposed to say that, I know but really I don't matter to many people at all.
Then why would people stop you if you did not matter?
I am truly a worthless waste of oxygen
because it is their job
You are not worthless, this is the depression talking, not you. You can beat this and live the life you want to live
I want to help you, but I understand that I am only saying words and you are the one living through this
I can't go back in the hospital. If I stay alive then I have to go to work. I can't go to the hospital. I have to either suck it up and continue hiding how I feel and go to work or die
death seems the easier choice. I am a coward.
besides it is time for someone who can do my job better to take over and get it done right.
You are not a coward, you are just lost and feel hopeless.
I can't do it anymore. I give up. I am not effective in anything I try. I couldn't even kill myself right. That's why I want to do it right this time.
I would like to recommend treatments for you, but I feel you have tried it all. So I can recommend that the states of Washington, Oregon, Vermont, and Montana that have physician assisted suicide if you are really considering this
I live too far away from any of those... But if you think the pills will do it then I'll just do that.
I want to keep encouraging different treatments that you may have not considered for this psychological issue that can help your mood and resolve your depression too
Like I said I cannot direct you how to commit suicide on a legal/ethical ground, but I can say that taking that many pills can cause an overdose, but more likely will lead to brain damage. It really depends on how your body reacts to it
You know how people think they can sing and they put their whole life into it and spend years training and then go on American Idol auditions only to find out they can't carry a note? That is how I am at life.
I can't imagine doing anything other than what I do and it makes me so sad to think of getting a different job because I really love it but I'm so ineffective at it it's not fair to everyone else for me to stay.
It's a catch 22
Going to sleep sounds so welcoming
I think that is your negative perception, but not reality. I am sure you are good at a lot of things. I know going to sleep and never waking up sounds good, but it is not a solution for you, although I would like to recommend a treatment that you may not have considered. The first is called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS). This is very similar to the Electroconvulsive Therapy, except this used magnetic stimulation instead of electrical and is considered safer with less side effects. Also this modality is relatively new (FDA approved since 2008) and has been considered a last resort for patients when other conventional treatments of depression have been unsuccessful. This novel method for treatment of depression has been very successful for resistant depression and I think it is something that you should consider based on your symptoms and the other unsuccessful treatment approaches. Here is one links describing it in more detail for you and another link of a study in praising its effectiveness and minimal side effects.
I think this is something you should consider before thinking about suicide as I have had many patients use this with great success and they were seriously contemplating suicide as well before they tried this
Will it make me a better person?
or a better mother?
or a better teacher?
no, I'll still be me.
It will make you feel better and then you will be more motivated to be a better mother and teacher
I am just trying to show you that you still have options and trying to give you hope
How long would it take for me to become unconscious if I took these pills? You can tell me that because it is not helping me to commit suicide it is just giving me clinical information.
I'm sorry to be contentious and argumentative. And I'm sorry to put you in this spot. I just have had this discussion with therapists before. I just want to quit this time. People around here wouldn't even remember me in a few weeks and everyone would be better off. Since you don't know me or how truthful this is you will just have to take my word for it.
Well you are not taking the medications as prescribed by overdosing on them, so there are no serious studies regarding this obviously, but given your age, weight, and that you have used medications in the past. It would usually start making you feel drowsy, dizzy, disoriented, etc.. within 1-2 hours and then in 3-5 hours it should cause you to be unconscious, but your system will fight back and cause you to vomit most of it up because your body has an instinctual self-preservation complex
This is why I feel that you will cause brain damage more so than actually causing a fatal overdose
I understand what you are saying, but again I do not recommend this course for you
I wish I could talk to my counselor. I miss him. But I can't afford to continue. Between weekly individual meetings and weekly DBT groups it is too expensive. And it wasn't changing me into a better person anyway.
I recommend that you seek treatment instead and since you called suicide hotlines today twice and hung up, means that you at least wanted to seek help for this and I feel that you are making an impulsive decision right now to commit suicide
Can you find another cheaper counselor to speak to?
No because I only pay the copay anyway and that would be the same anywhere. Also, I have been in counseling many times and this is the first time I thought it was benefitting my is a small way.
I only have custody of one of my children. Four are grown and the other two are living with their dad.
There are many therapists that charge on a sliding scale and provide lower fees for individuals with low incomes
All my students are failing because I can't teach them anything.
Now everybody at work will hate me because it is just my word against his and we all know how that turns out.
In my experience the majority opinion goes in favor of the man.
Brings me full circle back to 16 years old again.
Sexual harassment cases are very tough to prove, I grant you that, but the administration will take you seriously and will at least reprimand this co-worker
I can't do this.
They are already looking at me differently and asking me what I did to make him think it was OK to say those things to me
If we had sex or a relationship in the past
I am sorry that you are going through this, but that does not mean that you have to end your life. Right now you have a serious mental illness, and like any other illness (heart disease or diabetes) you should seek treatment for it and help you get back into therapy again
I left today after I turned in my statement and had a meeting with the principal because I didn't want to be there when they questioned him about it. I'm afraid to go back on Monday. There are no secrets in that building and he is a well known and liked teacher there.
mental illness is not like physical illness. Nothing shows up in the blood work. It's just a stupid excuse. I am nuts and that will definitely come out in the investigation because they will be trying so hard to prove me wrong.
You are not "nuts" and mental illness is a legitimate illness and does not carry the same stigma like it once did.
Now I sound like I'm paranoid. I'm not. It's just that I know how this works. People believe the man. My reputation will be ruined. It's been 34 years but I still remember the rules. Females, keep your mouths shut. Men are entitled.
It carries a stigma with me. I hate it and I hate myself.
Sorry to be man-bashing. I trust you are an exception to this rule.
I am sorry that you feel that way about men and women in the workplace, but that is considered discriminatory and should not happen, but what should not happen still does in the real world. I do not want you to give up your life because of this injustice.
The gender discrimination is very unfortunate and I have seen it happen to many female colleagues even though I work in a field with 70-80 percent female and it is absolutely disgusting to me
I hate myself with a passion. My sister once said that if she could take out her inner self and sit it beside her, her reaction would be compassion and she would just want to hug her inner-self and offer it protection. If I did that with my inner self I would not want to give myself a hug, I would stab myself to death and burn the corpse so nobody could find it.
What should I do? I can't do this anymore.
Look into the TMS and see if that is something that can help you, committing suicide is not the answer
I dont want you to commit suicide, I will stay on all night if I have to, so that I can show you that there is hope for you
But you don't know me. If you knew me, you'd help me get the pills down my throat so it would be quicker.
No I wouldn't do that at all, I would help you. In fact I would probably give you free therapy sessions
I give free or low cost therapy sessions all the time actually to patients with similar issues as you are experiencing
I wish my therapist would do that.
Well some therapists cannot afford to do that, I luckily can
On paper I make enough that I don't qualify for a sliding scale really. But last year I missed so much work between four hospitalizations and three surgeries that I am in a huge hole. I live in an apartment and my house is being foreclosed on. I defaulted on my student loans. My husband and I are separated. That's my third one by the way. Just not made for marriage I guess. Of course, I wouldn't want to be married to me either so who can blame them?
See, one more way I'm a failure...
My chest is so heavy right now. I am so stressed out. If I could wake up a good and worthy person I would stay alive but I know that I am only going to wake up and be the same old rotten stench I have always been.
I think with the TMS you could wake up and be a good and worthy person as it would be your best chance to remove your depression
Are you still there?
Its okay, I just want to be here for you
And hopefully you know that you are not alone
I could never be a psychologist. I would hate to listen to people whine about their problems.
Thank you for talking to me though
Well I dont consider that what I do, I consider it an opportunity to help those that feel lost
It has been my pleasure to talk to you
I wish the people in my life would think it was a pleasure to talk to me.
I am doing a disservice to the people in my life by staying alive.
My students would get a better teacher that's for sure.
I know you think that way, but again this is just your negative perception and you can change this way of thinking with the right treatment.
It sounds like you were making progress with your previous counselor so it is possible
I can't go back to the hospital though. It is so embarrassing to keep going back there. And the young techs all know me and probably don't look forward to seeing me come back either. I feel old and stupid there. The doctors are all younger than I am. And the techs are just kids, some of them are younger than my kids even.
Not to mention the expense, the loss of the few sick days I have right now and then the loss of pay, the embarrassment among my colleagues, etc. etc.
Yes techs are very young these days as all you need is an associate's degree, but do not consider it an age thing, they want to help you like I want to help you.
I urge you to seek help wherever you can, but not commit suicide. I know that I cannot stop you if you really want to do it, but I want to urge you not to do it
When I think about going back to the hospital I get more anxious. And I can't miss work. I missed so much last year. Everyone will know where I am and they will be mad because they will have to cover for me and my kids won't learn anything. Of course, they aren't learning anything with me there either...
If I were dead I'd have a great excuse to be absent.
I understand that, but your life is more important than feeling embarrassed I think
As ineffective and unmeaningful as my life is, you should rethink that then.
I am just looking out for your well being and trying to keep you alive too
I don't want my children to know how I'm feeling because then I will be aware of their discomfort or angst. If I'm dead I don't have to see any of their reactions. I'm very selfish, aren't I?
That is a little selfish, but I also think you do not want anything to hold you back and you know your children will
In a perfect world I admit I don't want to die, I want to change but I know that I can't do that and dying would be preferable to living at this point.
I've kept you on here for a long time. I'm sorry.
I will do my best to convince you that is not the only option you have, but ultimately you are correct that the decision is up to you
Its okay you do not have to apologize at all, I am here for as long as you need me
That makes me feel like crying.
Because you are being so kind to me. I don't deserve that and I know it.
I think you do deserve it and maybe if more people were nice to you, you would not feel this way
What makes you think I deserve it?
Because you are a person looking for help and I want to help you
does just being human make me deserving of kindness?
Not necessarily, but I think when someone is lost and needing help, they deserve it and I think you deserve that kindness from a lot of people, not just me
I want you to help me. I don't want to die really. but how can you help me? Even if i looked into the magnetic thing I have to get through tonight and this weekend and then make an appointment and then wait for the treatment and then PAY for the treatment. And I can't do any of that beginning with the getting through tonight part.
That is true, but I can provide therapy services on here if you like. But also I am giving you some hope by mentioning TMS that can "cure" you
I am not denying that this will not be a difficult road with treatment, but nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy. But I am confident that with novel treatments, and not the conventional treatments will help you
i am so tired of life. I'm just exhausted.
I know you are, I just want to give you hope that there are still some treatments that you have not tried that can work for you and that there are people that care about you and want to help you
I'm so sad all the time but I have to put on a show every day and wear the happy face and it's too much. I don't want to do it anymore. Why can't anyone see how sad I am?
And why did I just ask that? I don't WANT them to know how sad I am/
I think you really do want people to see how sad you are, so that they can understand and possibly help you too
I think you are tired of hiding this and that causes you to be exhausted
I have the pills spread out on the bed from when I counted them.
Maybe you should put them back in the bottles
I just realized that this is the same time of year that I have tried to kill myself before. What does that mean?
Anniversaries are very common with this behavior and this can be a subconscious feeling you are having about suicide because of your past attempt
If I died tonight nobody would miss me until Sunday evening when I am supposed to pick up my son from his friend's house.
I've thought out what I would put in a letter to my kids. They are wonderful people in spite of me.
I would say dont do the letter and instead talk to your family and seek out treatment again
I think you have a lot to live for and I think your children do not want you to go like this, no matter what you read in a study
what do I have to live for?
Your children for one thing, they want their mother in their lives, especially your youngest
She doesn't even live with me. She hasn't since she was seven years old and I hardly ever see her. That is one of my biggest shames. I gave them to their dad six years ago. We had to lift a restraining order against him to change the custody over to him. That's right, I knowingly gave my five youngest to an abusive father. There's a shining example of the quality of my parenting. I only have my 15 year old because he is his dad's least favorite and so he was being abused badly and he (the dad) gave him to me.
See? Do you understand a bit better now?
I'm a shameful excuse for a mother
I am sorry to hear about this situation with your children, but you were and still are in a bad place. Depression is something that cannot be controlled and resistant depression is devastating and that is why you have, but it does not have to be hopeless. With the right treatment you can reclaim your life again
I don't want to reclaim my life. It has always been horrible. I want to rest. I'm going to go now. You have been very nice but you're wrong. I don't deserve to live. Thank you though.
Well I think you do to deserve to live and I hope you see it that way in time, but the decision is ultimately yours. I wish you the best and if you like you are more than welcome to contact me here at anytime, I can even offer you a phone conversation too if that is easier for you
I can't afford to come on here again and I don't want to take up so much of your time. Just the fact that you offered a phone call makes me feel guilty.
Well I can make it cheaper for you if you like if you want to come on here again.
Next time use this link to get to me and then select low and low for the categories on immediate and severity of question and that will be cheaper for you, so that you can afford it
I will wait until the morning to take the pills and if I decide not to I will contact you again. Thank you and I'm sorry if I gave you a headache.
You did not give me a headache at all, I am here for you no matter what
I wish you the best and I hope you decide not to take those pilss
Dr. Z. I took all the pills and added about 10 wellbutrins to the mix as well. However, before they could take effect I called 911. I was so angry with myself for calling but there must have been a piece of me that didn't want to go through with it. I hung up on them but of course they found me and took me to the hospital. I was there until today.
You don't need to respond. I just wanted to follow up and let you know that I am not dead.