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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My wife and i have been married for 7 years and been together

Customer Question

My wife and i have been married for 7 years and been together for 14 years,[we are 28 years in age]. For the last 6 mths she has been acting out sexual dreams almost every night. She also can fall into dreams in the matter of secs. This has worried me because I have always trusted her but around the same time i had suspicions that she had possibly been unfaithful.I also though it could be that she was looking for more sexual attention from me,but it has happened after we had sex and even after she had an orgasim . I really wanted to know if this could be connected or could she have a sleep disorder? She has no history of sexual abuse or mental heath.Also no meds. I have tried to maintain our family but it is starting to make me think that she needs something more than what I can give her.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me about your biggest fears about current situation? You said you suspect your wife has not been faithful, right? Coudl you describe what led you to believe this?

Customer :

so what do u think could be the cause of this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many factors could lead to this behavior, and there is no way to know but through a complete evaluation. If this behavior has been present for long enough and undermined your marital life, then it is obvious you need to do something about it. One one hand to identify if she suffers of a sleep disorder, and two, if you have a serious marital problem or not, since you said you suspect infidelity, which is very serious.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sleepsex is one of the terms used to refer to this behavior, present in some sleep disorder, and to find out she would need to get complete evaluation at a sleep clinic. Depending on findings a course of treatment would be discussed and developed.

Customer :

there has been more than one situation but i found bruises of what looked to be finger prints on her thighs and hotel was reserved on our credit card one night i was in hospital

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me more about your biggest fears about this behavior and what yo mentioned about your suspicions around infidelity?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How did she justified such situations-evidence?

Customer :

acted like i was over reacting said wanted to be close to hospital and was asked to leave, and didnt know what bruises were from

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The hotel piece could make sense if your house was far away from the hospital but what about the bruises, was she already presenting this sexual behavior while sleeping or other similar?

Customer :

no

Customer :

only after

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then that is a red flag for sure, and you said it has not been only about an isolated episode but different behaviors leading you to suspect about her fidelity?

Customer :

yes many

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Well, in that case then you do not need to witness a sleep disorder with sexual behavior in order to be concerned and to address this serious issue right away.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How have you been coping with and addressing these concerning behaviors for so long then?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you to get marriage psychotherapy in order to work on your marital problems, and to consider a complete evaluation at a sleep clinic to rule out this possible sexsomnia problem.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Let me offer a different perspective on this situation. You two have been togehter half of your lifes, since you were, to a certain extent, mere children of 14 years of age.

I understand that you are close and very familiar with each other, but it seems as if your wife has desires for new sexual experiences. They are clearly emerging in her dreams, and it seems as if she has been having an affair or series of affairs.

You have said that there have been numerous red flags, and the bruises on her thighs after spending the night in the hotel near the hospital, seem more that a coincidence. You discovered the hotel reservation on your credit card but she did not tell you first.

You have not only some suspicious and almost incriminating evidence, but your own intuition is telling you that there is something else going on.

She is dreaming these dreams either out of guilt or out of desire.

Your unconscious mind occupies the majority of your psyche, and your conscious mind is just like the tip of the iceberg. Your dream sends your most profound thoughts to your conscious mind, sometimes in mysterious symbols, but at other times in very direct images. In this case, it is an admission of her activity. Unconsciously she is telling you what happened.

She does not need sleep studies, and she does not need individual therapy.

The two of you must communicate with each other, and if she is not willing to do so, then she may be willing to talk about this with a marriage and family therapist.

Without solid proof she can continue to deny this and tell you that you are imagining this. Cheating is underhanded and humiliating and shameful, and so if a person can avoid admitting it because there is no evidence, then they often will.

It might be better to lay low about this while doing your best to find out the truth.

I understand that you want to save the marriage if possible. That will require getting enough evidence to get this out in the open and work on it. If she denies it, or if you are wrong about it, then nothing will ever be dissolved and your relationship will come apart.

Gather some proof, if possible, and use the services of a private investigator if you have no other recourse.

The purpose is not to humiliate her but to save the marriage, if possible.

To reivew: you must have a discussion and to do this you must share the same reality of what went on. If she did have an affair and is willing to communicate and heal things with you, and if you are willing to forgive her and move forward, then you must both be on the same page, and then go from there.

This is not impossible but will take a lot of patience, love, and forgiveness. You must show her that you KNOW what happened and are not just speculating, so take your time and do this correctly, or the whole thing will blow up and you may not be able to retrieve you marriage.

I wish you great patience and perseverance, and shall keep you in my prayers for success.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.