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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4755
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My husband moved out 4 days ago and we havent spoken at all.

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My husband moved out 4 days ago and we havent spoken at all. Its a long story but I havent been the best wife I could have. We married young, im 22 and hes 25 now. Been married 3 years, together 4 and a half. I was just really immature, not a good wife, not a godly wife, i think i took advantage of the fact that he loved me and i thought he'd always be there. I just wasnt very affectionate and I didnt take his talks seriously. He wanted more, more love, more affection, more communication. And i just wasnt giving it to him. He says he should have done more to fix it but he just never wanted to fight so hed put it off. I mean, i think we both did things the wrong way. But i know my faults, i see them and I know what i need to do to better myself further. In february of 2013 he almost left me, he was all but done but decided to give me another chance but that he didnt know where it would lead. It was an eye opener and i started to change. I remembered why i fell in love and acted on it and became a better wife, i did all i could, and honestly i fell deeper in love than ever before with him. it just came naturally. But then i started hearing about this girl at work that always kept coming up. He said its not his fault, he has a really good guy friend at work who is best friends with this girl and he puts her in the conversations and she just happened to be a part of them. Needless to say i let it get the best of me and for a while it seemed that that was all i focused on. Thinkin back on it, it was so stupid because ive never trusted anyone more than him in my entire life. Hes amazing and i didnt give him the benefit of the doubt. I think that must have been the last straw for him, because i started tellin him that i just dont feel loved. Ive been telling him for a while. He doesnt tell me im beautiful or that he loves me, he doesnt look at me the same. ANYTHING. So he came out with the whole "i love you but im not in love with you" and decided to leave. Fast forward 9 months to now Nov. 2013 and i was just in a completely different place than him from february to now Its like the script flipped and im him and hes me now. Except that i never left or wanted to or wanted him to leave. I pulled it together and remembered why we fell in love, i started acting out of love. But maybe i just did it too late. His mom and my mom, everybody keeps tellin me not to contact him. To let him experience what he is asking for. He said he wants to focus on going back to school and being a role model to his brother. (He moved to his dads house). But school doesnt even start until January. So im just, really sad and i feel hopeless sometimes. All i do is pray, i try to keep busy but im not doing a good job. I havent contacted him since he left. Its only been 4 days but its been the fastest yet slowest and blurriest 4 days of my life. Time scares me, i know i need to let it go for now and just leave it in Gods hands and focus on myself but its so hard. Im scared he wont miss me, wont call or text me anytime soon...
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

Please give me a couple minutes to read it over carefully, so that I can better assist you

Customer:

thank u

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are currently going through this, I can imagine how distressing and hurt you must be feeling right now

Dr. Z :

It definitely appears over the last several months you both have had issues with the marriage and were not fully communicating to each other about them.

Dr. Z :

May I ask since you both seem very religious, have you sought out counseling from your local religious leader as he/she can really help you both communicate more effectively and help you both start to be on the same wave-length

Dr. Z :

I can see why giving him some space is a good idea to allow him to reflect and while I know that is hard for you, I think it is a good idea and let him come to you

Customer:

He didnt really seem open to any of that. if anything with everything going on he feels further from god than ever and doesnt feel worthy of him or even want to talk to him. he seems really conflicted and he told me theres nothing else i could do, i did all i could but that just makes me want to do more you know? but i keep reading and hearing everywhere to not be on top of him and give him space and just let him do what he feels he needs to do.

Dr. Z :

Well what about yourself for counseling though? If he is not willing to try it, it does not mean that you cannot reap the benefits of counseling for your mental health and spirituality.

Customer:

he says he cant even look at me cause i look at him with so much love it makes him wanna cry cause he doesnt feel the same. and im just confused how feelings can go away even in a matter of months when i was being so affectionate and caring and just trying to be different, but not in a forced way, it honestly just came naturally to me.

Customer:

yes, i am thinkin of going to a therapist to get a better way of dealing with my feelings. i feel like i have mood swings. sometimes im ok, i have this weird calmness, and other times im just so anxious and i feel so alone even tho i know im not. i feel like my heartbeat will never go back to normal. but i know these are just feeelings and i need to think logically

Dr. Z :

Well truthfully you most likely are going through the stages of grief from the possibility of losing this relationship and that is causing feelings of depression and anxiety, which are natural for what is transpiring.

Dr. Z :

Here is a good worksheet explaining grief in more detail for you

Customer:

I think what i am having a really hard time dealing with is the possibility of what if he doesnt miss me at all or comes to the realization that he doesnt want to be married anymore. or if enough time passes that im not supposed to contact him and things just never get better. Its the future outcomes that are really worrying me

Customer:

thank u i will check it out

Dr. Z :

This is anxiety and it is definitely natural for what you are going through. I believe that he does miss you and still has some feelings for you because of the emotions that he shows. It has been only 4 days and I think there is a possibility with time that he may come back to you and that is when you should suggest marriage counseling

Dr. Z :

And if he does not come back, well this is why seeing a therapist now will help you prepare for that possibility

Dr. Z :

I can show you some techniques to help you manage your anxiety and depression though to help you through this if you would like

Customer:

i would really appreciate that

Dr. Z :

Well the best and most evidence-based therapy for these symptoms would be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

Dr. Z :

In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping lessen anxiety and depressive symptoms. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.

Dr. Z :

Also individuals with severe anxiety and depression have an issue with their coping mechanisms, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better.

Customer:

Thank you so much. I honestly never thought id be here much less ever have symptoms of depression so thats something else im having a hard time dealing with because ive never experienced this before

Dr. Z :

Well I actually do not think you have a depressive disorder or an anxiety disorder, I would like to point that out. You are feeling sadness and anxiety because of this situation, which is natural and expected, but these techniques will help with those symptoms.

Customer:

I will definitely check them out. I am also having a hard time with just focusing on myself and doing things for me because i dont have a car so i cant get around or out of my house as easily, i am girl and usually by myself and here its been getting dark extremely early so its not safe for me to go out alone. What can i do or try in order to keep busy, everything i do or watch just reminds me of him because weve done so much and seen so much together that everything is a reminder, including this apartment

Dr. Z :

Yes you definitely need to get out of the apartment to help not think about your husband so much and to help distract yourself. You could spend more time with family and friends. Also you could go to the local community center and take some hobby classes like painting, cooking, yoga, etc...and then get a ride back from a friend or family. Also trying to do new things in your home will help you as well as you will be focused on new activities that you have never done before with your husband or anyone else so you will not think about your husband as much while doing them. This can range from puzzles, knitting, reading, etc...

Dr. Z :

It will be difficult, but spending time with loved ones and friends would be the best option for you though. Also exercising at the gym will help too and keep you distracted.

Customer:

Ok. i will definitely look into that and try to get out more. But overall, i should stay with the no contact and let him initiate it first?

Dr. Z :

Yes definitely let him come to you and just give him space. It will show that you respect his wishes and that you are listening to him. Hopefully he will make contact soon and seek reconciliation with you

Customer:

It kills me not being able to speak to him which also makes me wonder how is it that guys can so easily shut off or ignore their emotions and cut off all contact like its nothing. I mean we were honestly best friends. Maybe we spent too much time together and not enough apart, but i also dont want to act like i know what hes thinking, it just confuses me..

Dr. Z :

Well I definitely do not think he is shutting off his emotions at all and this probably hurts him a lot, which is why he feels sad looking at your face because of his deep feelings towards you. Many individuals (men and women) get so stressed from a situation that they need space to think and reflect over everything, which is most likely what your husband is doing

Customer:

What happens if more than a month or 2 passes by and he still hasnt reached out to me? I just keep giving him space while remaining with an open heart or should i then try to open some type of communication with him?

Dr. Z :

Unfortunately if at least 2 months pass and he has not made contact with you, then the marriage may coming to an end as the no contact for that length of time is not a good sign. If you want to make communication, i would do it through a family member or possibly through a letter/email.

Dr. Z :

If the marriage does end, and I am hopeful that it will not, I would like to recommend this book for you

Customer:

Thank you i will check it out regardless probably, im always doing research and looking at different things and ways of doing stuff. I really appreciate all your advice, i just feel like i went into this completely blind because i tried to ask him if he wanted to commit to talking at least once a week or maybe goin on a date, or if he knew how long he planned on being gone, something, to not lose touch. but he said he didnt want to give me anything or agree to anything because he doesnt want to give me false hopes or illusions of something that might not happen so at the same time his move as of now was permanent because like he said, he doesnt want to build me up for anything

Dr. Z :

That is very unfortunate, especially since you have tried so hard these last few months to repair the relationship. For more advanced CBT techniques that you can use on your own, I would recommend these two workbooks that can be very effective for you.

Dr. Z :

I know this is very hard right now, but your husband may have made a rush to judgement and still may come back to you, but using the techniques and seeing a therapist will help you during this time and also if the marriage ends. It will hurt in the beginning, but I promise that you will get past this. God will see you through this and He will be there for you

Customer:

Thank you so much i really appreciate ur help and an outside view that isnt family or friends

Customer:

i will do my best to stay positive and try to find myself

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I wish you the best during this transition and I truly hope you and your husband can reconcile this relationship and I hope that God speaks to me and helps him see that you are truly someone he should not lose. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z :

Sorry I meant that God speaks to him and helps him see

Customer:

Thank u very much, i hope so too. im gonna rate excellent service.

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome :) Have a great rest of your night

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4755
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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