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I am so sorry to hear about this destructive behavior that your husband has inflicted on your family, I can understand how distressing this is for you
You and your daughter are definitely in a predicament with your husband and even though you have tried counseling, it has not been very effective for you or your family. What you probably already know about individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is that these individuals typically get progressively worse and bring everyone else down with them
Unfortunately what you have to do to escape this situation is that you and your daughter have to leave your husband and break off contact with him or he will keep having a controlling influence in your lives in the most negative way
I know this is difficult, but there is no other option. The only other option would be for your husband to go through intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for 1-3 years to even remotely treat this disorder and even then the success rate is still love with treatment
my husband is a highly respected professional in the field of law enforcement. He sees me as the problem.
And many individuals with NPD will take respected positions of authority and control to help foster their personality disorder. I am sure your therapist has described the destructive influence this man has on your life and how harmful it is as long as he is still in your life. I would like to recommend some books to help you understand this behavior better if you like and how to break free from an individual with NPD
You cannot make your husband stop hurting your daughter, only he can stop, which most likely he will not do, so that means your daughter and yourself have to escape and leave the situation where he has no more control over the both of you
My therapist has told me he is not going to change. I'm not in a financial situation to leave and we are now raising my daughter's children together.
Yes but what kind of influence will he be having on your grand-children, that will just be more people for him to hurt. I understand that you may not be in a financial situation to leave, this is a part of his control to keep you forced to stay. You can try to hire an attorney to help find a reasonable financial settlement from a possible divorce to help you leave. But your therapist is right that he will not change what so ever and will get worse actually
The books can help you interact with him and help "disarm" him, but they will not be the ideal solution and may only be a temporary solution for you and your daughter.
Can you explain how he will get worse. Right now he works 24-7 but justifies it to take care of our daughter's needs and those of the children. I have been depressed for a while now. Am on medication. I realize because of my avoidant dependency I stay. I'm afraid to leave.
I understand co-dependency is very common for individuals that are in a relationship with NPD. He can be more emotionally abusive, less empathetic, more controlling, more blaming of others, etc...
This is how they get worse because they will exhibit these symptoms to a greater degree in a gradual motion as a way to manipulate you and not notice until it is too late.
Yes, my doctor said as I get stronger and stand up for myself now that I can see that I have taken his judgments and criticisms and projected them onto myself causing low self esteem, and the dynamics of the relationship change,he won't like it.
Individuals with NPD do not take rejection well, so as you stand up for yourself and get stronger, he may be more emotionally abusive unfortunately. But those books will help detail how to stop that, especially the "Disarming the Narcissist" book
My therapist hasn't spoken on this level about getting out of the relationship. We are mostly working on me now. So this is hard to hear.
Well working on you is good to help improve your self-esteem, but I do feel that the longer you are in this situation with your husband the slower your progress therapeutically will be. As a forensic psychologist I see more patients with NPD than the average therapist, so I have an expert knowledge of how these individuals operate.
I am not trying to bring you down at all, I think you do have some options, but I want to be realistic with you and prepare you for what to expect from your husband in the future
He has played mind games with me since I met him at 15. It was always suttle and has been hard to explain to others. I always thought there had to be something wrong with me. I've seen him more clearly in the past several months than I have ever seen him. My therapist has assured me there is nothing wrong with me but my thinking.
I agree with your therapist that there is nothing wrong with you at all, but that your husband has made you think there is something wrong with you (manipulation) and that you started to believe it unfortunately
It sounds like your therapist is very good and helping you a lot, so definitely continue working with this therapist so that you can break free from your husband's control
Thank you for your validation. I have isolated myself over the years during my daughter's drug abuse. My husband and my mother have really been the only people I've had to relate to and they are very much alike. I need to step back out into the world.
I agree, and slowly you will build up the strength and the self-confidence to be the person that you want to be
Yes, I don't want to get to the end of my life and be sorry that I wasn't brave enough or strong enough to be the person I was meant to be instead of being defined by others. Thank you for your help. I will get the books you recommended ASAP.
Anytime, I am always happy to help. And I wish you the best with your continued treatment and I wish the best for your daughter too. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much
Excellent service. Thank you.