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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
Could you please tell me for how long this situation has been happening?
Most recently Saturday evening Nov. 2. It was a Fox Hunt Ball. Prior to that it was July at a large party I did not attend.. We received letters and photos of a sexual encounter in a bathroom between my wife and some man who claims she was sober and "eager".
I am very sorry o hear that. then it has happened multiple time, not only twice and for a long period of time, correct?
I am only aware of the most recent and the claims of the participant in the July incident. He seems to want to continue the relationship despite my presence (which he has intimated he fears). he suggested friends with benefits. My wife claims to be appalled and denies it happened, and I was inclined to accept that until I saw what happened Saturday evening . When we discussed the situation she did not remember that I was across the table from her.
What you describe here is very serious, since it was no exclusively an isolated incident, something that happened because she was naive or unaware of the situation, once she is an adult and I assume she has no mental impairment not allowing her to be aware of reality and take care of her basic needs, correct?
If you were right there when one of this incidents happened why didn't you intervene in order to stop her from doing this?
Do you know what was the reason this person sent those letters and pictures to you?
I asked her the let go of the mans arm (sitting next to her) and she did when he got he rose for a minute. Then she wrapped her arms in his and continued a private conversation as he poured more wine into her glass. She seems completely mesmorized by his presence. This went on for a while until the food was served. Appearing to be somewhat impaired by the extra wine, she let the fork slip and splashed gravy on he white gown. I told her about it, she cleaned it and apologized to the man next to her. (the one she seemed so enamored with) They were both very involved with each other and I was apprehensive about the claim made re: July. The band stared and I suggested we dance. She got up, seemed to stumble and said "I can't do this. I cant do thss again". She seemed intoxicated then. I suggested we go home. Itold her what happened on the way home. In the A.M. she awoke and questioned why I was up so early and why didn'r we spend some time in bed together. I asked her what the hell was going on and she looked at me as if I was 0n Mars. She recalled nothing after we reached the dining area and she got her second glass of wine from whomever. I did not want a public display.
Your words describe a clear and very concerning picture here, namely: a pattern of denial, lack of accountability, avoidance to recognize facts, abuse of alcohol leading to very serious consequences undermining her integrity and your marriage, and the sexual promiscuity present in all these episodes. Based on this, it seems obvious to me that it is about both core issues, the alcohol abuse/possible addiction and the sexual compulsive-addictive behaviors she creates.
This is very concerning, if she has been using alcohol and presenting impaired memory about events, her own behaviors, getting into uncomfortable or unhealthy situations with you or around other people/males, then again, I would say that this is very serious showing she has a serious alcohol abuse/addiction problem, besides of the sexual compulsive-unhealthy behaviors you have described here. I assume you have been married for more than a couple of years and that her alcohol use-abuse has not been something new but a pattern for a while, right?
We have been married 50+ years. We were both young, I was an angry young man and she feels I am still full of anger. Our sexual life was very dull until recently. We separated in July on our anniversary. It was a nonsense argument re: my driving to a restaurant. I moved out (stupidly) in July (3rd) for 5-6 weeks. I came back realizing I was stupid to leave her and also my own home. Our therapist said I needed to have no contact with her or be in any situation where we would cross paths. After 5 weeks I went home and declared I would return withing the week and if she wanted to continue the separation, she could leave. I was invited to come back in a couple days for dinner and a discussion. She bought me a very good single malt scotch and after several drinks I only remember waking up in our bed. I was startled because I should not be there. She explained we made love twice and she wanted me home. That NEVER happened to me before or since. She has been more receptive and responsive sexually since then. It was while I was away that the July episode happened. I only found out about it from letters and pics sent to me /and her from the man she does not remember. All she knows is she went to the July 6 party and went blank after getting intoxicated. She was told later that her friends found he sitting in a hallway chaise crying. She has no recollection of going into the mens room (private estate party) to urinate, dropping her pants and eventually having sex with two men who were there per their claim. Their claims were explicit, some pics were provided and she has no recollection. It is very out of character behavior, but not unbelievable. That is why I was so concerned Sat night. What is sexual compulsive behavior?
I am sorry, you have been going through a lot, no doubt, and for your therapist to recommend and agree for you not to have contact, it should have been very serious indeed.
It means that the person is not able to take good care of herself, of her moral integrity because of unhealthy sexual behaviors she cannot control.
In this case it is obvious that alcohol has been a core factor affecting your lives and leading to all these situations, which is very concerning, and in her case, apparently always related to the sexual promiscuous behaviors.
I think each of you need to commit to your own therapeutic process individually in order to be able to take care of yoru personal lives, and fromt here know what you are truly able and willing to afford as a couple.
Does it make sense?
She would need regular treatment for alcohol abuse-dependency and for the sexual behavioral problem, besides of the marital issues, which depend on her personal rehabilitation.
We tried to review the letters and notes sent from the July person. Hopefully I expected some participation and admission that there were too many coincidental things to suggest all that all the notes etc. and my claims re: Sat. evening had some validity. As I read outloud the contents and aked for an opinion or comments, all I got is I don't want to go there, what do you want me to say and I don't know. She has a scheduled meeting with a Dr. on Friday and I have a meeting Wednesday. It's agreed that my communication skills are limited and I seem argumentative because I stress accuracy (in comments) and I need (very much) for things to be logical. My wife listens but does not hear. It seems she arrives at non logical conclusions after conversations in her mind and responds to "Z" when we are talking about "A". I am 71 years old and realize that the past few years have been a gift. I have a lot of history beside some (eventually) possible terminal physical situations. I need less stress and more ??? (see, I don't know).
This is truly sad and frustrating, and I agree that before pushing your relationship even more you need to focus on taking good care of your individual mental health first, an din her case, she needs intensive treatment for all these serious issues she has been presenting.
My wife says she will never drink again. I thought that was draconion. It is not a required part of our lives, but it does help end a day or provide some down time that we had not allowed ourselves. We have a collection of nice wines, eclectic scotches, and enjoy not getting smashed. In our 50+ years together I was brought home once because I realized I was not able to drive safely, and she nor I ever passed out fell over or were not able to say enough at any social function. THEN... all of a sudden we seem to have a drinking problem. We let it take over or less busy lives (?).
I am very sorry to know about that, yes, it is very serious and it seems alcohol has become a real addiction deeply undermining your lives and marriage and unless you commit to your rehabilitation process with necessary professional support, things would not significantly improve between you, but similar episodes would continue to happen
I don't understand Intensive treatment. Incarceration? Therapy? Withdraw? We are planning to go out of state for two months starting Jan.1. We will discuss this with the Dr. Thank you!
Intense treatment means individual and group psychotherapy for at least 2 to 3 times a week.
And once the group therapy gets completed, individual psychotherapy should continue at least once a week plus active participation of a support group. Good. I support that, Please commit to your therapeutic plan with your doctor.
Take good care an consistent action.
I can not enter a rating. It says you are in "chat" mode. I assumed we were done. Are we?
The response or answers were good. thank you. How do I get to rate??
I am sorry the system was not allowing the rating function. It should work now.
Take good care.
.OKMH53016130 My son is very anxious. He gets like