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Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Please, could you tell me more about your anxiety problem for me to better understand your experience?
hello ,how are you?
I am fine, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX?
Im experiencing anxiety all the time
and it really bothers me
because I overthink
I see. I am sorry to hear that. For how long have you been suffering with anxiety problems?
a yeah and a half now
and whenever i get into a relationshiep it becomes worse
I see. Are you aware of any specific issue, life change or challenge that happened at the time when this anxiety problem started?
not really ,i think im anxious because i have low self confidence
I see, then relationships are very challenging for you, they trigger more anxiety
especially if the person is weird,yes
That makes sense, but you are 25 and only in the past1.5 years you have been suffering of anxiety as you said, right?
and it developed into social anxiety
That's very frustrating, and unhappily very common when anxiety disorders evolve untreated they could easily lead to OCD, socio phobia, panic disorders and any other anxiety disorder
is this the first time you look for professional support, no therapy at all before?
but i think i shouldnt be dating now but try to work on myself,because as soon as i begin dating i get easily attached to the person
no i had therapy before,especially in highschool
i see, then this fast attachment is more than only anxiety, it could show a personality predisposition,. Do you become needy and fearful about being abandoned, unloved or something like that?
And during high school years what was the core issue-s leading you to get therapy?
im not afraid that the person abondon me but I get very attached and sometimes im confused if i care about the person or its only the attachement that causes that
so i believe this is not really love if i question myself all the time
about the feelings i have t the other person
right, attachment does not depend on love, it could be rooted on fear of loneliness, rejection, and any other fear
or seeking affection,right?
because I remmeber when I strated dating my boyfriend,during two weeks i didnt know if I was going to stay with him because he was not really my type then after talking on the phone all the time,i got very attached suddenly
since there is no way to truly develop real and healthy attachment but through direct sharing for a long period of time,. What happens is that many times people attach to the expectations they project of the other person, and not on reality, they they could not even know the other person well enough, but the attachment becomes very high because of this projection.
Absolutely, affection is a top one, that's why I said "neediness".
When we long something so much but unhealthy ways since not knowing how to develop these feelings, security, stability, meaning and fulfillment within ourselves, we look for them in other people, believing they could "make us feel" happy, loved, good, worthy, and that's an illusion, specially if we attach too son to a person who we do not truly know well, an after short period of time. But it is also true that people could spend years of their lives fueling unhealthy attachment, idealizing the other person while suffering serious abuse.
so you think we dont need anyone to be happy
i think we all need relationships, from friendships, to family members, to a real lover and life partner, since our very nature is social
usually people tell me ''i cant live without my boyfriend or girlfriend'',but i think this is false,they are not oxygen...
but the problems start when we do make our happiness, stability, meaning and fulfillment in life depend on another person instead of building those cores within ourselves first, tahts why we become dependent or codependent, addicted to relationships
yes so deep inside we only need ourselves to be happy
but we belive relationshieps will make us happy more whcih is false
at least in my case,my boyfriend gave me too much stress
i was better without him
I do believe we need both, first to respect, accept, understand, love and support ourselves, then to share the same with significant others but in healthy, not in addictive or dysfunctional ways.Then if a boyfriend is unhealthy, abusive, neglectful or just does not help nor support your well-being and happiness, it would not make any sense to perpetuate such relationship, since it would go against your own self.
I agree with you, you chose to take better care of yourself without exposing to something unhealthy, that was adding more stress or pain in your life.
im about to break up with him because i think his behaviors are weird
i discovered a lot of things on his facebook and another facebook
I see, could you describe some of the most concerning behaviors eh presents?
sure,first of all he always does what he likes and not what i like because he never communicates with me
I see, then there is a lot of selfishness and not real caring about you, besides of poor communication.
also,im a student,and he likes to text me and call multiple times a day but sometimes i cant talk because i have school work,even tho i tell him in studying (which sometimes take more than two hours),two hours later he would send me text ''you still reading'' but that happens all the time
I see, then he also do not respect your boundaries and limits, does not hear what you need and expect from him
so hes immature,especially that hes 30 now...
That's very concerning indeed, I agree with you, very immature behavior
yes and this summer he hurt me alot
i saw pictures of him with another girl ,the girl was seating on his lap and holding him,some people commented ''you have a beautiful wife,he said yes !.
then when i did research,i found the facebook of the same lady,and she had only pictures with my boyfriend
and in one of them,they were wearing rings,and he was wearing a wedding or engagement ring!
and all this happened when he was still dating you?
well,he knew her before me,because i saw pics of them on jannuary,and we started dating on march
so its possible that hes engaged or married to someone else
i know he doesnt live with her,since when hes home he used to talk to me on the phone
then you have been dating this person when not knowing if he is already married or dating other people, right?
yes of course,i would never do such a thing
This is truly painful, and with everything else you described before, I do see why you want to end this relationship, I totally agree with you and support your decision, it does not make any sense to perpetuate unhealthy relationships
yes and the thing he said a crazy story and totally denied the fact that he was married
even without this very serious issue the fact he has been this selfish, nt caring nor respecting your boundaries, are all serious enough to justify ending a dysfunctional relationship like this seems to be
he started to tell me that this lady is married to his cousin,that his cousin is in australia and she was here,so she took pics with my boyfriend because he looks a lot like her husband,so she would use the pics on facebook so when she goes to australia they would believe that shes married to my boyfriends cousin and would give her papers right away...the story sounds crazy
yes and if she was married to his cousin ,i dont see why she would take such pics with him,right?
Right, and again, this is consistent with his other abusive and unhealthy behaviors
he thinks theres is nothing wrong that for exempe the wife of his cousin seats on his lap,what the hell?
This only confirm how incompatible you are and how unhealthy it is to keep exposing yourself to this dysfunctional person -relationship
yes and also i do not understand why he keeps calling me and texting me all the time
if hes already seeing someone else
even when i was mad at him and would not ask about his news,he would text me everyday
people presenting these behaviors and distortions would perpetuate them as long as the other person allows them, that's ow it works
i dont understand
as long as you receive his messages, answer his calls, or get back in touch, he would not go away, since you would be enabling such pattern
but for exemple me if someone doesnt ask about me i wont call/text them
Only when you set clear boundaries not allowing him to keep this vicious circle, then he would have no option, since he would see that no matter how many messages or in how many ways he tries to reach you, you keep consistent boundaries not allowing him to bother you.
yes true ,but when i see him,and the way he behaves when we are together,i really thought he cared about me
because of how he acts and his body language
He keeps trying to fuel the attachment, to manipulate you, but he can only be successful if you also play a codependent role allowing it.
so you think he doesnt care about me
but if he already has someone to manipulate why would he need me?
Didn't you say he does not care about your needs, that he is this selfish, that he does not respect your time and needs like when studying, and more?
yes but that was during the month of the ramadan (because he fasts during this month,hes a muslim)
I am confused since on one hand you said "he always does what he likes and not what i like because he never communicates with me", and then that "the way he behaves when we are together,i really thought he cared about me
f how he acts and his body language". These statements about the same person do not match
for exemple he said we shouldnt talk during this month,i will be fasting,but i thought its ridiculous since when people break the fast its ok to talk but he was taking classes ,and in my opinion we shouldnt stay 5 days without talking,he shouldve at least send a text ''hey i hope you doing well''
and also during the same month,we were talking on viber then there was poor network so it hung up,i sent him messages,even tho i was going to bed,he should have sent messages like hey this is just the network nothing happened to me
Consistency is a key word here. if a person tells you nice words one time and then refuses to stop pushing you, disrespecting your boundaries, being very selfish and even thinking it is OK to have such pictures and behaviors with other women, then those behaviors are concerning and dysfunctional, because they are not compatible, they are not consistent, thus they do not show real caring, respect, sensitivity.
and when i was traveling,i sent him a text that we should comunicate on skype and everything,he didnt even answer me
during the month of ramadan me i was in my country
but also i dont understand why he makes plans with me,he wants to go travel with me and everything
thats why at the begining i said hes weird
he even asked me to come live with him so i believe this lady doesnt live in the country...
What i see is that this person would continue to do things the same way, and as long as you allow him to do so, this would not improve at all but get more stressful. You started saying that you feel very anxious specially because of attaching too soon to the wrong people, and perpetuating, enabling this person after having seen all these behaviors does not help for sure, and you are the only one with the power, right and responsibility to choose to end it or to perpetuate it even more.
yes and i feel weak because of my anxiety :(
but i was fortunate to find the facebook of the lady
because imagine i would have never discovered the truth..
Didn't you say he was a practicing Muslim, is this invitation consistent with the regular religious values?
yes but hes an hypocrite
i have muslim friends that are very honest
Then please you need to end any further illusions, self-sabotaging, and remind yourself about reality and focus on building your life away from this or any other unhealthy person in your life, otherwise it would be unrealistic to expect you to feel fine without anxiety, while fueling more dysfunctional experiences with this abusive person.
Then pleae start being consistent taking actions that lead to your healing and healthy and fulfilling life, not to get worse.
i believe if we are in a relationshiep that causes more stress than happiness than its not worth it even if the person wa sin love with us
People use to call love to many things, emotions, feelings, attachments expectations and many things that could be very destructive and abusive, and for sure the original concept of love is far away from those other "distorted forms of "love". This is why I invite people to work on building and promoting "healthy love", if what they want is healthy, real fulfillment and well-being instead of abuse and suffering.
I truly hope you reflect on it and take consistent action to take good care of yourself and of your healing process.
yes but i feel really weak for the fact that i stayed with him for 7months
everytime i wanted to break up i woul be anxious and start to overthink which sucks
Now the more you focus on the past, getting deeper into what happened and how it was, the less present and strong you would be to take good care of your present, of reality. Please be proactive and focus on what could truly help you to be and feel better not worse.
This is why your support system, individual psychotherapy and a support group are all pieces that could allow you to truly work on your rehabilitation process, to make real and effective changes necessary to build a healthy and happy life.
yes you are right and i think hes a manipulative person since when he seens me he shows me that he loves me so much,he huggs me and acts like a good guy that is in love ,but when u see his face you would really think hes in love
my friend told me maybe he cared about you,but hes just not a good guy and you're a good girl you deserve better
he even took all his classes to my campus just to see me
honestly his behavior is weird,now he shows that he cares so much and everything
That's as you said a very manipulative pattern, part of the abuse, of the codependent-addictive cycle.
i truly hope you commit to your rehabilitation process, taking necessary actions and getting the support you need.
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
ok thank u,I apreciate :)
i think at the prsent moment i am weak but deep inside i know this relationshiep is not good for me
You're welcome! :o)
Bye for now.
but the thing is,I ve never done anything to him,why would he want to manipulate me and hurt me then?
This is not about you, it is him using you because you are vulnerable and easy for him to manipulate and abuse, that's why only you can stop this painful illusion.
can u stay just 5 more minutes please?
5 minutes, yes
also ,few months ago ,he would invite me to his family parties,and at the same time he already invited this girl to his family parties so i dont understand how he can introduce me to his family as his girlfriend while they already know hes also seeing this girl...
he wasnt afraid that one of his family comes and tell me that hes seeing this girl also?
that's very serious and shows how distorted he could get, scary for most people in your shoes for sure
yeah and maybe shes like his wife or fiance,so hes not scared that someone during the party comes to tell me the truth?
about the fact that hes a married men
No way to know for sure, this is just very serious
yes and also hes from africa,so he told me that his uncle and dad had three wives
so thats why maybe,its part of their culture so he thinks no one would tell me
or he would just lie abt it
Please do not waste your time, energy and peace on something this destructive, since you need them to take good care of yourself and life.
ok sure i will break up with him
this is not healthy
i feel smart and stupid at the same time
I support you. Please take consistent action and consider everything we discussed here.
Thank you again for your trust.
Take good care.
yes sure i didnt break up
because when i came here he confused me he started to act like very caring and everything
calling all the time
He can and would continue doing that for months and even years as long you allow him, then please choose to take good care of yourself be proactive, respect and love yourself, and focus on the present on what is truly healthy, since everything else would only undermine your life.
yes and even if he cared and is nice now it doesnt replace all the lies and what he did
ok then i just have to break up
thank u for everything
have a good one
You too :o)