Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
For how long has your granddaughter presented this behavior?
My grand daughter is a very sweet girl , she has just started dating this past year she was involved with a boy her first she was heart broken she came to her Mother told her about it they talked and she assured her Mom that was it but the next boy she went with the same thing happened
This could be about her own immaturity, big expectations and excess attachment to her boy friend, out of fear of not being loved, accepted and appealing; since this uses to be the case in similar scenario.
What she needs to understand and learn from experience is that for her to be able to build healthy and fulfilling relationships, she needs to take time to know each other well enough before engaging in full sexual relationships, that unless she works on this process this way, the chances for her to self-sabotage and be used and abused would be very high.
What can I as her Grandmother say to her that will help her realize that this is not what she needs to be doing with her life she has so much going for her, right now her Mother is to the point of telling her she doesn't think she is cappable of being on her own to even attend college this next year because of the fear of what might happen to her, Her Mother my daughter is beside herself I am wondering now is Lynn my daughter part of the problem with the grand daughter taking this path , she seems to be obcessed with every move Beth the grand daughter makes its as though she is reliving her life thru Beth
Absolutely! I do think this could be the best explanation of what is happening here.
Lynn was never out going when she was young she never dated anyone her husband is really the only boy friend she ever had the man she married she was quite never involved in anything Beth is just the opposite of what Lynn was
Most times in obvious or subtle ways we as parents project our own issues and insecurities on our children, and if we have unresolved feelings from past personal issues, they would interfere with and undermine our parenting and ability to share with our own children.
I see, that's why she felt this triggered and alarmed by her behaviors, and she does not understand that pushing her with her obsessive control, she could be reinforcing her bad choices and vulnerability to suffer in relationships
How do I sit down as a Mother with my grown daughter and explain to her that she just needs to back off and give Beth some breathing room to a young lady and at the same time tell my grand daughter what she needs to be doing with her life to keep from ruining it both physicialy and mentaly
Be unconditionally gentle, understanding, compassionate, honest and direct too, for her to know that you are nod judging her but being supportive and caring, for her to be open to your tender words and concerns about this situation, and to come to terms with the fact that the more she pushes her, the worse this situation would get. That she needs to work on herself, on her own fears, even if that requires some individual counseling, and then become more a friend of her daughter, to share with her concerns about her behaviors, to show why it is wiser and better for her to approach dating in different ways.
But for your daughter to do this, she first need to have a clear and assertive understanding of dating at his age, and she does not have it clear, then counseling or at least a parenting class seems necessary for her to develop better insight and understanding of normal challenges children could face at this phase, not limited to her personal experience.
I started thinking that maybe Lynn might be where some of this was coming from when she kept telling me she wanted Beth to have a better memory of her teen years than she did she wanted her to have fun memories not memories of nothing but sitting at home never being involved with anything never being asked out or dating, it really hurt my feelings because all I could think was I did what I could for my children but that I tried not to keep them from achieving their dreams , Lynn wanted good grades , college, a carrere please excuse my spelling she worked hard she always wanted to please me and her Dad we were always so proud of her she just never knew how proud we were of her she never gave you anything to worry about , and its like now that she is married she falls into that pattern with her kids and her husband everything is pleasing all of them everyone thats her goal in life is to please everyone and it is ruining her own life in the process
I am so sorry guess I got off the grand daughter onto the daughter just didn't realize that my daughter played such an important roll in all this and possibly even down to me and my insecurities
I am very sorry to know about this serious situation, then your daughter has developed a very serious codependency problem, which has been undermining also her parenting and relationship with her daughter. Thus this challenging situation could become a chance for her to become more aware of these personal issues in order to work on herself to make her personal and family life much healthier
It is this important, and I believe if they consider family counseling for the two of them, it would be very helpful too, for both to learn better about these challenges, and how to understand and help each other, each playing her own role, as mother and as child.
Thank you so much for the help you have given me today as a parent and a grandparent this has been very helpful , I at least now have a place to start and a way to get started to talk to them both , Thank You again
You're very welcome. It was my pleasure to be able to support you, thank you for your trust
Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.