Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Could you please tell me more about your situation?
That's easy to sum up. I'm 47 I seem to not want to face reality, life, adulthood because I keep getting hurt by people. I avoid a job, marriage, living on my own, independence, adult stuff you know. I have issues growing up. Any way I can avoid responsibility I will.
I have no plans, I don't reason like an adult and I get hurt by adults.
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
How have you been affording your basic life expenses then, have you been depending on your parents-family all these years?
The older I get, the more lost I get. I have inner child issues...I'm finding no joy in life...loss of power, loss of control...just a large child with self esteem issues. I live in my parents home off savings. It looks like something went wrong all those years ago and I didn't get it...so now I'm trying to get it and I dont...my one preaccupation in life is pleasing people...approval..I go out of my way...boundaries are real chaotic as you can imagine.
I don't get the life lesson
Unhappily this shows very serious codependency and personality issues, as you said, related to your upbringing and how you have been living your life all this long, reinforcing this unhealthy ways of thinking, feeling and doing things.
Did you know that I am too phobic to even cross the road or take an elevator on my own. I try to use willpower but I have to go everywhere accompanied. Oh dear...what a mess....how can one person mess up her own life on her own?
I did all that to survive...
Personality disorders, with other serious mental health disorders from very unhealthy and poor parenting, where neglect or abuse were present, could lead to this scenario.
What does codependency mean? I have personality issues....do you sense that I have a mental disorder. Oh yes I neglected to mention I am obese and an emotional eater and I am so fed up of the money I have spent...been on my first diet at age 8
I'm sorry, I have been to counsellors since 1995 but we have not addressed these and neither did these people zero in on them as quickly as you have...they have let me down. I have serious abandonment issues too
Sure, everything you have described here clearly shows you have several mental health disorders, all requiring intensive psychological treatment in order for you to work on your rehabilitation process, otherwise, as you said, it would become worse and more overwhelming and dysfunctional.
I am sorry to know that, it is unacceptable for these professioanls to be this incompetent
There is no one in this God forsaken country who I can turn to.
It's hard being a human being isn't it....
It is for sure, and that's why we need to work on our own healing and growth processes
The weight loss industry has let me down....I have compromised so much in this life of who I am and who I can be
I know Im whining....I know that....
Codependency means addiction distorting relationships, from the way you see and feel about yourself and how you develop relationship with other people, leading to very unhealthy patterns.
Oh yes...very unhealthy friendships....even saying it to you...it's such a disgrace
Then you need to work on making dramatic changes but one step at a time with necessary and effective professional supportt-treatment
I have no idea what that means
Psychotherapy, individual and group, it must me intensive
There you need to work on learning how to develop these core skills around assertiveness,self-respect, self-love, coping, and communication skills, develop healthy values, beliefs and ways of addressing life and its issues
We have no group psychotherapy here. We have no eating disorders group for people here if they are overweight, you only get to join if you are thin...because in Singapore only thin people have eating disorders. The hospital psychiatrist who saw me recently says "yes I am able to do emotional eating issues" and then asked why I was crying when I talked about it. Oh MY WORD...all those qualities I do not HAVE in living in this stupid country and all the qualities I did not cultivate....
Every core skill you mention I need...it's a disgrace that I did not get them for 47 years...I must be stupid
I also tend to beat myself up a lot...that's a bad habit
You suffer of overwhelming fear, anxiety, insecurities, sadness and many other painful feelings and emotions, that literally leave you frozen, this is why you need to gently but firmly work on developing these very core skills with adequate professonal support.
You have developed difereent serious addictions , like the eating disorder, and it's unacceptable that they cannot see it and offer necessary upport
I have been working on myself a lot, you must take my word for it...I've come some way the last 8 years in awareness...but quite a lot to go....yes you are right about the fear and anxiety and insecurities....
Are you original from Singapore?
Unfortunately yes...what a SHITTY place. However I understand there's no euphoria wherever you go but it's a shitty place because people are so materialistic, judgemental and cut off from their emotions...I HATE THEM
have you considered getting online counseling or psychotherapy, what would allow you to get the support you need by competent and experienced clinicians? This could complement any form of help you get there.
Yes I didn't know that existed....competent clinicians? I'm feeling better already. People here are so incompetent but they have the degree and all...
It's never easy to find good support, even is you live in countries like the US or similar, but it is necessary and worthy to try, to take time to look for support, until you get something that truly works for you, it would be tough, but worthy.
Did you know that I called the suicide hotline here....and the person who answered was reading from a script? That's what I mean...
This is truly overwhelming, but I believe you, that happens. But you do not feel suicidal now, right?
Of course I do...I have been feeling that for a long time....but I put it off always because I know it's stupid and I basically don't have the courage to do it....but feeling the pain..that's there...there are also 2 suicides in my family so I do not want to go through that. I've learned suicidal people dopm
don't necessarily want to die, they only need to stop the pain which has gotten overwhelming
But when I do feel that, I recognise that I am beating myself up and being hard on myself....and I try to get through the night...I call the hotline...and cry a little and go to bed
I see, it makes perfect sense. I understand what you mean, but only you know how it feels, and that's why I strongly recomend you to consider this alternative sources of professional therapeutic support online.
That's perfect, taht shows you have the insight and self-love to supprot yourself and get necessary help when you need it, thats' the apporch you need to stick to
It never ends does it...this getting help business....self love? What a big joke here....no awareness here I'm afraid..
Life happens here and now, its an eternal present, so the process is always right there for us to work on ourselves. Past cannot be changed, but we can focus on this present and do our best being unconditionally compassionate, gentle and supportive, getting necessary help, for things to gradually change for better
Rafael, would you believe -- this is one tiny illustration only -- I got invited, INVITED to a business network meeting...I had to pay for it..my host did not have the decency to tell me this.and no one talked to me....you know the term loser? Even a simple business network meeting...sheesh!
I hate the present. It's painful. I don't like where I am. That's the truth
I don't enjoy my own company
That's why there is where you need to start, focusing on other people would not help, the first relationship you need to work on is the one you have with yourself, that's the only truly important one, all the other ones depend on it.
To a person who's never looked at a relationship with themselves, how do they start? What would be an example of someone working on a relationship with themselves look like?
How do kids learn this and how to parents teach this?
Could you imagine having a baby?
Imagine having your fist newborn, OK?
Conversely, how would you tell a person does not have a relationship with themselves? I'm really sorry but this is a foreign language to me
Can you imagine having a baby?
A little child?
And he is just learning about things, and experience pain for the very first time, like by touching a hot surface, and gets overwhelmed by the experience.
What would you do as his parent when witnessing him getting this overwhelmed by pain?
I'd comfort him, protect him, tell him he'd be fine, get first aid and talk to him later about hot surfaces
Would you blame him>?
OMG, when that happened to me...like when I was a kid, I got electrocuted by the refrigerator, my dad went around telling everyone I got electrocuted but didn't comfort me. I actually felt ashamed I had gotten electrocuted and knew if it happened again I would never let him know
But you see...it's ingrained in me and I realise it fully....if I had a child and he had pain...I wouldn't have the love and tenderness...I'd blame him....so I know in this state I would not be a good parent....
I am very sorry to know that
I think you could be a very compassionate and caring parent, because you suffer from the lack of healthy love and support, that's why you are this sensitive and feel this overwhelmed.
I wouldnt want to have a child...I wouldn't even want to have sex....I wouldn't want to do this.....I'm crying now...so much damage to repair to be a good functioning human being
Your answer was perfect, it shows what every healthy and loving parents should do.
This is a metaphor. You are the parent and the child, your inner child has been suffering this much, and needs you to comfort,love protect and support him.
I see how parents here talk to their children...it makes my blood boil...so much damage being done to their self esteem...
No counsellor I have seen in my life has ever talked about my inner child...after 40 years...I became aware
Children here are not allowed to play or have fun...that is seen as unproductive
that is abusive, neglectful and very frustrating and sad
That's why we are children, we need that to develop and growth emotionally , mentally and spiritually too.
Bunch of wimps we are in Singapore...wimps in denial. Nope....there is no awareness of the importance of all those aspects...
So I have a child and I love it and nurture it and comfort and protect it....as you mentioned in the example?
Culture lays a huge role, social norms, expectations, morals, beliefs and values, and it is always reality what shows us how healthy or dysfunctional each approach could get
The new born baby
I'm not following you as yet....how does this relate to my relationship with myself?
You are the parent, and nobody could interfere there, you consciously choose to raise him, protect him, educate him, with love, compassion, hope and gentleness, modeling what he needs to learn and understand.
The baby is your inner child, and the parent is you, as you are today, your present self.
So my relationship with myself is inner child work?
You mentioned your inner child, well this baby of the metaphor, is this little baby you ave not to raise, to protect , to love and support.
And this explains why I have avoided going to work to face people, going out into the world which I feel is not safe for my inner child and not wanting to grow up
I do think so, it would make perfect sense.
I do not know of anyone in Singapore specialising in this....wouldn't it be funny that I study this and become a psychotherapist specialising in inner child work hahaha...
so tired of things
In fact many people who end becoming experts in something, become very good because they did underwent those very tough experiences and were able to work on themselves, on their own healing and growth process, and that's why they could become the best experts in those areas, as long as they do the real work.
Let's start by taking one step at a time, just like it is necessary when raising a baby, not pushing too much, just consistently and gently learning how to do things in healthy and assertive ways.
Yes that is true
it's more like a sacred commitment to take good care of your baby our of love and hope, because you truly care and want the best for him.
Thank you so much for trusting me this much
For being this open and honest here
Thank you for not judging me, not making me feel like I was a failure...
My mental health is poor...but hopefully I'm not crazy haha
You're very welcome. You are a human being, who deserves love, caring, happiness and fulfillment, healing and growth too. Let;s take one step at a time and things would gradually improve.
Keep that good sense of humor, since that is the best therapeutic-healing tool, the most divine skills ;o)
Thank you again. Take gentle care and by for now...
bye bye and thank you
Please feel free to contact me if you have any other questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.
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