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Hello. How can I help you this evening?
hello,how are you?
Doing well AND I have gained an hour today. :)
What is going on in your life today? How can I help you make it go even better?
oh ok :)
wel,I am dealing with anxiety all the time,and it sucks especially for school because I cant focus sometimes
What do you think is causing you all the stress?
no,I mean most of the time I am anxious,so then for exemple I have a homework or a paper to do,I will still overthink about problems in general..
my social anxiety in general,I stress for nothing and im kind of insecure ,I think thats the reason why Im so anxious
Why are you insecure? for social reasons? Money? Worry about your appearance? Dating? School performance?
How long has this been going on?
I think most of my life I have had low confidence ,now im working on it because im tired of it
Did you have a rough childhood?
yes,I experienced bullying so thats the reason I guess
Were you a bit socially behind when you were growing up?
no,I always had friends in general,I like to socialize and communicate with people
Who bullied you?
poeple who were more ''popular''
But you had friends that stood up for you?
I was bullied during alot of years because I did a mistake when I was a child and they thought I was different
no because some of them were in the same situation,we were the ''loser'' group haha^^
when I was 12 I was mean to everyone to the class and I was not really conscious about what I was doing,then people got against me and started to bully me,they continued during several years
and when i was a teenager,in another school ,people bullied me because I looked insecure and wasnt really acting like myself
yup did a lot of mistakes in my life and im a good person now
What was going on in your life at home when you were mean to everyone?
nothing,it was just the way I was i dont know why
By the way, I have a daughter who is also 25.
How did your parents treat you?
thats cool :)
they treated me very good to be honest
And you had brothers and sisters? How were they?
my mom always told me to be kind to people,but now growing up,I became the opposite,very nice person in general
yes I have one brother,we get along
So do people like you now?
yes,also because im in college,so these people dont know my ''painful past''
people say that im a nice girl
You sound as if you are very sweet. Why do you call it your painful past?
because I was bullied during a very long time and it hurt a lot
thats why im not confident
I see. That is painful.
I was bullied once for 2 months when I went to summer camp. It hurts so much.
Do you get panic attacks?
im confident with my appearence but since I dont trust myself ,I worry a lot about what people think of me which I think is stupid
When you cannot concentrate, what is drawing your attention away from your work?
What thoughts do you have? Can you explain what is happening in your thought processes?
You seem awfully nice to me.
Did you ever get any diagnosis from a school counselor?
Do you have a short attention span?
well since I had this social anxiety ( about a year now),it seems like my mind is obsessing about every little thing,and Im having problems with my boyfriend
What are you obsessing about, besides your boyfriend?
yes,some therapists told me I had social anxiety and I believe I do because im always anxious in new social situations
What about your concentration? Do you have a problem staying focused?
or ordering food
yes I do,because i have problems in my relationshiep
What happens when you are ordering food?
I remmeber when we went out with a guy,last year,I was anxious about ordering food i dont know why
also,in the classroom I wouldnt drink in front of people
Do you have trouble making eye contact with people?
especially people i dont know,in the street or bus..
How about in the class?
the first day then when I see them again,im ok
Do you like to share achievements, inerets, or pleasures with others?
you mean hangout with friends?
Talk to them about what you have accomplished, what you like,what you are interested in?
yes I do
If they are friendly or warm with you is it easy for you to be friendly and warm back to them?
yes,I like to make friends and laugh ,so I can forget about my anxiety..
Do you believe that others don't like you or are you just shy and withdraw a bit until you get very familiar?
no im just shy until I get used to people,but when I see friendly people and I feel confortable with them,usually im not shy
Tell me about the problems with your boyfriend, if you like.
sure,I have a question
about relationshieps in general
What is you question?
a therapist told me that they think whenever someone is experiencing low confidence issues,they would always end up with bad people or people that are not for them...
do u think its true?
Yes, it is very often the case. They do not think they are worthy of a good person, OR they feel they need to be punished so they pick on someone who is mean to them.
Is your boyfriend mean to you?
If so, how?
thats interesting because i have low confidence but at the same time,I like myself as a person,I think I have a nice personality,I picked my boyfriend at the begining because I thought he was a nice guy but he seems not now...
yes he hurt me a lot during the summer
Why don't you just drop him? There is no need to stay with a mean boyfriend.
When someone is mean to you like that it makes you feel even WORSE about yourself and it makes it easier for them to control you. Some people are mean to their "partners" because that is their main pleasure: to control them.
Often people like that do not have the ability to feel the pain of others so whatever hurt you feel he doesn't know or care or understand about it, just like a blind person can't see the hand in front of him.
Often, people like this purposely choose partners who are lacking in the self-confidence and self-esteem to stand up for themselves, and so they make ideal victims.
Sometimes the people with low self-esteem choose partners like this because they feel that this is all they deserve.
no i do not think that I deserve this at all,I dont like it but its hard for me to break up because I got too attached to him
What you REALLY deserve, is someone who values you as he precious young woman that you really are: sweet, kind, intelligent, and personalble.
i dont think im intelligent because I always obsess about little things because of my anxiety...
i feel like my mind is always woking to solve a problem
That has NOTHING to do with intelligence.
What kind of problem?
oh so you talking about the way people talk
but fortunately,I am not one of these insecure people that believe they need to be treated badly
I am talking about your brain power. You are obviously smart.
I think we all deserve respect
You don't believe consciously that you need to be treated badly, but unconsciously you may think that this is all you are worth.
no even unconsciously,if someone cheated on me or beat me I would leave right away
when my boyfriend talked to me with a lack of respect I screamed at him lol
You are in a relationship that has been bonding because of time and intimacy. Relationships,even brutally bad ones, become addictive.
Because he frustrates you with disrespect.
yes it has been 7 months now ,I have also attachement issues
its hard for me to break up because I became too attached
you know some people are afraid to break up sometimes because of the painful breakup
A LOT of people are like that. But let me tell you, even though it is hard, and it hurts, you soon get less and less pain as long as you can keep up the no-contact and don't go back.
It is like quitting smoking or heroin or drinking.
so attachement is like ,having the idea that we can not live without a special person
its like they become our oxygen,right?
Yes, even though it is not true.
May I recommend a few powerful workbooks for you that will require some daily or regular work (a little bit) but will change your life?
I read an article about that though
These are books designed by therapists who are also good teachers and communicators and they work through their books.
and one other that is not a workbook but is VERY inspirational:
thank u very much
I feel bad that I have to go through all of that
everything in my life requires so much effort
and just in case that is not enough I want you to consider this one about stopping obsessive thoughts because you seem to have some that may bother you.
Now I seem like a slave driver. :)
lol but thank u :)
I seeem to have so much weaknesses
And a lot a strengths. You are a very sweet and intelligent young woman and deserve someone who honors and cherishes and respects you at all times.
can I talka botu what my boyfriend did to me?
Sure. Of course.
the only problem its a long and crazy story
you sure you dont mind?
Go right ahead.
I don't mind. I want to help you.
ok I appreciate :)
so,like i said we ve been dating for 7 months now
but during the summer I discovered things on his facebook page
(we are not friend on facebook though,because one day I said i didnt want people to stalk me and he thought i was talking abt him so he didnt add me)
so I saw three pictures of a girl seating on his lap and holding him,it looked like she was more than a friend
and if I remember there was a tage with ''wifey'',im not sure but when I talked about it,it was removed from the page...
then I was really mad I thought he was married because when I stalked his friends lists I could find the facebook of the girl and there was just pics with her and my boyfriend ,and even in one pic they were wearing wedding rings!
so then i didnt want to talk to him and everything,he said he had to do that,and that this girl is his cousin's wife,but her husband lives in australia ,she was living here in america,and since my boyfriend looks a lot like her husband,she took pictures with my boyfriend to send them to australia,so they could belive shes married with my boyfriends cousin,so they can give her papers
and i think this story is crazy..
I think so too.
It sounds as if he has someone else and is telling you a wild story.
It doesn't seem you know each other that well.
yes and when i asked about the weding rings he said hes not married
he doesnt seem to be married because he calls me like twice a day and texts me all the time
even at home he talks to me on the phone so i dont understand..
i mean when u have someone else,you cant be that available,no?
Some people can do it. The fact that you have doubts shows that you don't have a close or trusting relationship and there is too much evidence to the contrary. They have something going on even if they are not married.
Of course you have anxiety from such an insecure relationship. Sometimes anxiety is nothing more than a reaction to a worrisome situation. That is not a disorder, but sometimes anxiety is best dealt with by getting rid of the stressors that cause or trigger the anxiety.
You have to decide whether you want to go on this way or try to make things better or to end them.
Three directions you can take.
The workbooks will help to build you up.
I hope that I have helped you and will be happy to help you in future if you ever need me.
yes absolutely,I am willing to work on myself
you have to go?
I can stay with you if you need me.
yes just few minutes
no but if you really need to go,its ok
I will be happy to listen to you.
You are a good person and I like you. You are making me smile.
so he did other things to me,for exemple he told me a crazy story when i asked about the pictures
lol thank u so much
so when i asked about these pics,my boyfriends told me ,(hes from africa,from also a tribe)
''this women is my like my wife since shes my cousins wife,in my culture if her husband dies i would have to marrry her ''
what the hell?
then he said but i would never do that,then why is she on his lap?!!!
i said what the hell in my mind lol cause thats crazy
Austrian Africans. Hmmmmm. LOL
no she only lives in australia but shes african
yes mixed babies are so cute tho
All babies are cute.
This sounds like a big story.
It they were traditional tribesman they would not be travelling around the world but would stay in their little culture.
yes and not hurt people as well
this guy has communication issues as well
Meaning he tells tall tales?
no for exemple during the fasting month (ramadan),to be serious he told me that he wouldnt talk to me
but me i thought we can talk whenever he breaks his fats because not talking at all during amonth is crazy
he should not have a girlfriend in that case
so i remmeber once i called him,then after it was the ramadan,during four days he didnt even call me back
Are you a Muslim as well?
yes i am
but i am not as conservative for the fasting part
And what does your Imam say about the talking? There are certain times when he can eat. He should be able to talk as well, correct?
yes and hes finding weird excuses and on normal time he wants to sleep with me
this is hypocrisy..
As long as you put up with him he will do what he likes and not what you like.
you mean since i wont break up with him he will always do that?
No matter what, he will always do what he likes.
yes hes selfish
If he is a conservative Muslim then he will not have such pictures on Facebook.
And this is not what you want in a man.
There are different ideas of a woman in all religions. Sometimes they are equal and sometimes they are posessions. You need to be someone who shares your philosophy. If not you will be hurting and in pain and feeling disrespected.
yes and also during ramadan,i remember when we talked on viber,there was poor network then it got off but i left messages to see if hes alright,even though i was asleep he should have responded to my messages .then i had to call to see if everything was alright,he didnt answer because it was during the fast and he called the day after...also,i was going to travel,i sent him a cute text that i was leaving and that i love him and that we should comunicate through skype since i wont have a phone ,i sent him when they broke the fast he didnt even answer
you see he did a lot of things to me.i said that those pics hurt me,he said i removed them ,i went to check if he did,he didnt!
i had a talk abt ramadan,i said this is hypocrisy i can not accept that...i told him everything i thought
If you cannot accept it now, are you going to backtrack and accept it later? You have to demand what all women deserve and must have:
R E S P E C T
no i cant honestly,because i dont like hypocrites
if he was an extrem muslim (i wouldnt be with him thou) i would understand but hes not and hes the kind that like to sleeps with his girlfriend,thats not what we cann conservative lol
so its like hes liying to himself
then why is he calling me all the time if he doesnt love me?and come to school and look at me like that
sorry i talk a lot
Because you give him what he wants.
no i almost broke up before
so im not easy with him,when i dont like something i would tell him
Well you will have to straighten him out and give him your list of exactly what you want from him.
i think i deserve better
I KNOW you deserve better.
No wonder you have so much stress. This is the main cause and it is time to make some changes one way or the other.
yes especially that when i stalked the facebook of the girl,she uploaded pics in july of her and him at the beach,he lied he said no that was last year and when i stalked his facebook he posted a profile picture on summer and put ocean city,he was alone in the pic but wearing the same shirt he did in the pics of this lady
also,i saw that the lady put pics on jannuary which means he knew her before me
then we started dating on march
its very weird..
So, you are too smart of a detective to be lied to. :)
Give this some thought and come up with a plan of action. Doing nothing is also an action too. Don't forget that.
i think its suspicious because how come she posted pics of the beach on july and on his facebook he posted a pic being in front of the beach wearing the same shirt as in her pics,weird isnt it?
yes i am smart for finding people,he must think i hacked him lol
it was interesting,i was on his facebook (we re not even friends) and that lady came as a suggestion friend!
its like a sign lol
no but really i am lucky for finding her
And unlucky that she exists.
but if we think abt it,she knew him before me
they had pics together before i came
And he hasn't let her go.
its not her fault im sure she doesnt know
yes that is true
now i only have an option
break up i guess
theres better guys out there
but i feel weak though
If he really cares, he will crawl to you.
But you are better off with the better guys.
what means crawl?
Beg you not to leave him. (Don't hold your breathe though. :) )
no i dont think so
hes the kind if you want to break then lets break up
Let's do it then if you are ready.
He has power over you because he thinks you are too cowardly to do it.
one day he said you're a really nice girl,you have a lot of qualities,you are calm and cool,then why in the world did you hurt me?!!!
oh so you mean,he says that because he thinks i wont do it,yeah he said last time i wanted to break up he thought it was a joke..
It is a joke until you show him your were for real.
so if im not ready i shouldnt break up right away?
What do you mean ready?
like ready to break up
i dont have a choice if i want peace of mind right?
It will hurt a little bit, and then the bad tooth will be gone and the toothache will stop.
what if he begs me to comeback and promises to change?
or you think this guy wont change?
What do you think???????
i have no idea because since i cameback he didnt do anything except when he said he deleted the pics from facebook but i checked and they re still there
He will never change. The only thing you can change about him is whether you are in his life and whether you are done and gone.
the only good thing he apologized about what he did twice,but even if he apologizes ,in my opinion he did a lot of things,right?
i meant he apologized twice
So we have been talking for two full hours. Have I helped you yet?
yes a lot
I apologize for him too.
sorry about keeping you a lot
Does that help?
You needed me.
And I like you.
yeah even if he apologized a lot,it doesnt change what he did to me
It is easy to talk the talk.
i think even if he beggs me
i wouldnt comeback
You could do so much better. Begging can be tricking you too.
his stories are just too crazy
yes i want a normal relationshiep
Yes indeed they are.
but right now i want to work on myself first to prevent any bad guy again
And you DESERVE one.
Get the books. They will help a lot.
thank u for everything
and sorry abt keeping you here soo long
but this guy infortunately thinks im weak...
myself i think im weak..
I shall keep you in my prayers and Allah will give your the strength you need.
hahaha thank u,godwilling
Goo night and may God bless you and keep you strong.
You are in my prayers.
goodnight and thaks again :)
Bye bye. You are welcome. Thanks for making me smile a lot. You are a winner.
lol u welcome