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I am so sorry to hear about these issues with trust and how it impacted your relationship with your girlfriend, I can understand how distressed you are feeling right now.
What you are most likely describing is called insecurity and low self-confidence, which is why you have trust issues and need to seek attention from other females to help validate you and uplift your self-esteem and ego
The good news is that this is very treatable with a high success rate using the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT is the most evidence based treatment that effectively "cures" individuals with these issues. CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.
I can show you some techniques to help you raise your self-esteem and help you trust more easily, and consequently stop lying.
I'd appreciate it. I'm having a hard time letting my girlfriend go and ultimately I know I can't be with her if I haven't changed my ways
I understand, and it does appear that you do love your girlfriend very much, but you have to change this negative thought process if you want to keep your girlfriend if she chooses to stay with you. The insecurity issues are usually related a minor depression and can cause these trust issues and anxiety feelings as well, so I will approach it that way with these techniques.
So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping lessen anxiety and insecurity symptoms. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.
Also individuals with Self-Confidence and anxiety issues have a poor coping mechanism, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better.
Individuals with a self-confidence issues have negative self-beliefs, so this technique will help you replace any self-critical thoughts that you may have with more positive self-beliefs.
In addition these books can be helpful too
CBT is the most effective therapy for these issues, but it does take time as all therapy is a gradual process, but slowly you will start to notice that you are thinking more objective and not focused on those negative thoughts that are driving your behavior. Once you start to think more objectively, this will help you trust more and help you establish a more effective relationship as well
I will print these out and get to work. As far as other females are concerned I know what I'm doing is wrong. I've kissed 3 different females while I've been with my girlfriend over the course of 5 |years.
I think this is the low self-esteem and you were seeking validation from other women. These techniques will help you validate yourself, so you do not need to seek it from external sources.
I hope so. I feel horrible about the way we broke up and I'm willing to fight for her love but in the state I'm in right now we'll be back in this same situation in just a few months
And you are doing the right thing by seeking for treatment for this issue and I am very confident that you will be able to overcome this issue as well
The more your practice, the more that objective/thought process becomes ingrained in your head.
Do you have any other questions or concerns that I can help you with?
I have a lot of issues with my mother that I could never seem to talk to her about. She kicked me out of the house when I was 20. She was very overprotective of me. I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time and she never trusted me even though I was doing the right thing. My now 19 year old sister is pregnant by a 30 yr old man. I can't figure out why she raises my other sisters so different from the way she raised me. I would have to lie to her just to stay at school late to study. I feel like the root of my lying and confidence issues come from me never being able to be honest with my mom
That is a strong possibility, may I ask with your male friends do you find yourself lying as often?
Or is it typically with women?
I don't have any male friends. I don't have any friends right now. I seem to make more female friends and then it always turns into something more even when I don't want it to. I can't establish boundaries.
Okay, well the first relationship you have with a woman is your mother, so that relationship is very important to your development and because you were never able to talk to her about your issues and that she was very over-protective of you can cause some of these self-confidence and lying issues that you have with your relationships with these other women. But like I said with the treatment, you will be able to overcome this. CBT is great that no matter what happened in the past, it cannot be changed, so it does not focus on the past and instead will focus on the area of your life that you can control, which is the present.
Are you still there?
I see that you are offline right now, but when you get back online I would be very interested in continuing this discussion with you and talking about anything further you would like to share regarding your concern, so if you respond in the chat box I will be able to get back to you as soon as possible.
You are back online, we got disconnected there for a little bit.
Is there any way I can save or print out what we've talked about here?
Well there are a few options you have here. You can highlight the chat and then copy and paste it in a Word Document and when you finish rating me, this chat will be sent as a link to your email, if it has not already, so you can always use it for future reference. In addition, this chat will be saved in your JA account under My Questions so you can always go back to it when you need to
I have a lot of issues. There's so many things I want to cover but I'm worried about how much it will cost me to cover everything. But I need the help. From someone who won't judge me or doesn't know me
Well a therapist that specializes in CBT would be very beneficial for you and most therapists work on a sliding scale so they can provide you with cheaper fees based on your income
I can look for therapists in your area that state they have sliding scale fees for you if you like
I'dp appreciate It
Sure what is your zip code?
Okay give me a few minutes to compile a good list for you
So I believe these therapists would be beneficial for you as they specialize in CBT and self-esteem issues, and also provide a sliding scale fee too
That's great. Could I keep in contact with you as well? You've really made a difference.
Oh most definitely. You can reach me specifically by typing "For DoctorZ only" before you type your question or you can post the question on my homepage and this way it will go directly to me.
Thank you so much. I need to get to work. I have a new found hope for winning my girlfriend back. I can't thank you enough. 5 stars for sure
Anytime, I am always happy to help. I wish you all the best with these issues and I hope they resolve swiftly for you. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.
Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much