How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5027
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
74815544
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Z is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi, my name is XXXXX XXXXX I have a closed friend with Avdp. I

Customer Question

Hi, my name is XXXXX XXXXX I have a closed friend with Avdp.
I really love him and I just discover the AvDp. I say I doscover as he didn't told me but he has sent signal... at the begin I couldn't see, but now I understood. I would like to know how to cope with him without hurting him
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Customer:

Hi

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Avoidant Personality Disorder is a very serious personality disorder

Customer:

it was difficult to discover

Customer:

but I understood at the end

Dr. Z :

Well typically with this disorder the individual has a very fragile psyche and extremely low self-esteem, so you do not to be careful and use "kid gloves" with him. And by this I mean you want to be gentle and try not to use any criticism or blame, but instead build up his self-esteem and help not thing negatively

Customer:

When I didn't know .. I hurt him a lot, but I do not want to hurt him anymore how I can do? (sorry I'm Italian and my english is not so good)

Dr. Z :

Its okay, I think your English is really well

Dr. Z :

May I ask, how did you hurt him in the past?

Customer:

our relationship was great until august... after was terrible as I hurt him asking him to fly to my Holiday place... he didn't and I was really hungry

Customer:

he said to me... I would like but i can and after he found terrible excuse to do not coming and after that I was different with him and we were Always shouting and hungry with each other

Dr. Z :

I understand, well to help someone with this disorder, you have to go slow with unfamiliar surroundings. This is called exposure therapy because they are so used to being alone and not with people, you want to start small like a park, then a store/mall, then possibly a party, etc... and slowly increasing the anxiety provoking stimuli in a safe manner but always allowing him a chance to escape too if it become too overwhelming.

Dr. Z :

These are big events for him that can cause him anxiety and depression/insecurity issues which causes him to retreat, so going slowly with him and not being angry with him when he says no. Try to come up with a compromise with him by discussing the issue.

Customer:

ok and before we were writing to each other messages and now he doesn't answer often... shall I continue to write to him? like tonight I wrote him a message saying that for the meeting of Tomorrow is all ready and that I sign saying I like you (as before)

Dr. Z :

Yes keep on writing him message, the insecurity issues will cause him to retreat and that is probably why he is not answering often because he feels bad that he upset you

Customer:

shall i continue to dimostrate my feelings or not?

Dr. Z :

Yes you can still demonstrate your feelings for him and also tell him that you understand and that you apologize for being angry, this will help reassure him and make him feel more comfortable. Then ask for healthy compromises that you both agree on that can help both of you succeed and move forward in this relationship

Dr. Z :

I would also, at one point when you are both closer together, to suggest therapy for him, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help overcome this personality disorder

Customer:

He avoid to speak about the therapy... It seems he is going to a therapist but he doesn't tell

Dr. Z :

I understand, well hopefully he and this therapist are making progress for him to overcome this. One day when he tells you about therapy, ask him if there is anything you can do to support him with this therapy, this will help him a lot and will help him trust you and be more comfortable with you

Customer:

one day he told me that he cannot get closer to woman ..... I do not know if he was speaking of me or other-- but he said help me to get closer

Dr. Z :

That is good that he is asking for help, that shows that he is comfortable and he may have been talking about you and wanting to get closer to you.

Customer:

any other suggestion to get closer to him and to make him more confortable

Dr. Z :

Also you mentioned that you got angry with him and this is a good worksheet to help you express your anger in a more assertive and more appropriate way with him, so it will be gentler.

Dr. Z :

Encourage him to speak his mind more about issues and just listen to him and acknowledge his feelings. If he learns to be more verbal in expressing himself, this will help him feel more comfortable

Customer:

Ok...I'm not anymore angry with him now that I know...

Dr. Z :

The other thing is that he has a very strong negative view of the world and himself, this is one the core issues of Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Dr. Z :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help him keep track of any negative thoughts he has. He puts the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want him to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help him change his way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

Dr. Z :

If you help him using this technique to think more objectively about his surroundings and himself, then this will help him with his personality disorder and to be more comfortable with you as well

Customer:

Is difficult at the moment...

Dr. Z :

Also this worksheet is good as well to replace those negative self-beliefs

Customer:

he is still angry with me

Dr. Z :

He will get over that in time, just try to apologize and verbalize why you were angry at more the situation and not at him and explain to him that you understand and you will not get angry or lash out like that again

Dr. Z :

He will forgive you, just give him some time and try to apologize to him

Customer:

I have done it ... but I wrote him a strong letter and now I'm afraid to have done something wrong

Customer:

I put the letter in Google translator do you like to read it and tell me if I was wrong?

Dr. Z :

Sure I can read the letter for you and give you my opinion

Customer:

Hola

other night to think and this is the result ....

For one thing ... it is true that I did not understand anything and like you said " you came late," but I can tell you that late is better than never, so this is the last time I tell you with seriousness and straight from the heart "I'm sorry ."

Then I assure you that my opinion of you has not changed and that you consider someone special and fantastic and I will continue to think so.

Do you want to use me as punginball blame me for everything what is happening ... go ahead , but do not think that from now on I will feel hurt ( and not because I do not care about you, but I'll understand why when you do it to vent )

For me today changes everything ... I'm not going to avoid and to prevent Gaia to see Mari ... Sunday then probably we are there too ...

No one will ever know our discussions and our past, when I see you I'm not going to avoid you my smiles if I would make them

I'm not going to suppress my feelings for a person who I admire and to which I want really good

Do not you want me "Other" ... I came to the conclusion that I would just " you" as you are, or how you will be , and if and when there will be

I'm not going to impose my person, but I'll live my life and if our lives will intersect I will be myself

Your waste will not hit me anymore because I exist and I know it was wrong , but I also know how I am inside and I know how " I care " of the people who are beside me and even those who are far away

And if you happen to like having to go to the " Field Championships in Athletics in Rivoli " and " do not know how to go there ," it is useless for you to do me all the rigmarole you did to me last time that I did not understand ... .

Use the magic word " HOLA I have to go .... " and I will be by your side forever! and only when thou covet

If I do not get a message that you want to pass .... tell me , "but you are in the CLOUDS " and I will try to interpret it in the right way

And if I need you or just want to be with you ... I will ask ... I say no ... I will not feel rejected and I will continue to ask too many times after

If you feel offended by anything I say or do ... tell me you have " offended " and I will try not to do it more and understand why I did it

This is me , with all my faults and maybe a few advantages , but I'm not going to be different from how they are especially with you which I love her !

And if you tell me that you know well Via Sospello and do not tell me why ... I will not feel affected .... and know that if I saw you "weird" when I told you that I have a long battle with Gaia G because I want to send to the Jewish school in the middle ... I do not ask why making strange fantasies and feeling struck thinking that you've found that are 1/4 Jewish and maybe you can not stand the Jews ...

A great big kiss and a hug

Dr. Z :

I do not think you said anything wrong in the letter necessarily, it was very direct though and sometimes people with Avoidant Personality Disorder do not take directness well and interpret it as blame, but I am sure he knows you very well, so most likely he did not interpret it that way. You apologized and now it is time for him to think about this and then most likely he will forgive you in time and you both can move forward.

Customer:

Ok.... when I discovered the AVDP he was very terrible to me and he said "forgive that we will be as "

Customer:

in the past

Customer:

meaning that our relationship was not nice like before

Dr. Z :

He most likely said that out of anger, give him some time to cool off and then he will approach you. Individuals AVDP to not have many friends, so he will miss you a lot in time, so be patient and allow him to come to you now

Customer:

ok ... thank you very much for your help

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I truly hope that you and this man can repair your relationship and move forward. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Customer:

yes I will do

Customer:

thanks and bye

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome and I wish you all the best :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5027
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Again... he wrote me a beautiful mail and he run away again... I fell that he is jelous of my results in life... I continue to write him ... is stressful.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.
I am sorry, this will be difficult with him because of his disorder. He most likely is envious of your results in life due to his low self-esteem. Keep trying to be understanding with him and remember to go slow with him too, but at least he wrote you back something nice, that is a good step.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education