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I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Avoidant Personality Disorder is a very serious personality disorder
it was difficult to discover
but I understood at the end
Well typically with this disorder the individual has a very fragile psyche and extremely low self-esteem, so you do not to be careful and use "kid gloves" with him. And by this I mean you want to be gentle and try not to use any criticism or blame, but instead build up his self-esteem and help not thing negatively
When I didn't know .. I hurt him a lot, but I do not want to hurt him anymore how I can do? (sorry I'm Italian and my english is not so good)
Its okay, I think your English is really well
May I ask, how did you hurt him in the past?
our relationship was great until august... after was terrible as I hurt him asking him to fly to my Holiday place... he didn't and I was really hungry
he said to me... I would like but i can and after he found terrible excuse to do not coming and after that I was different with him and we were Always shouting and hungry with each other
I understand, well to help someone with this disorder, you have to go slow with unfamiliar surroundings. This is called exposure therapy because they are so used to being alone and not with people, you want to start small like a park, then a store/mall, then possibly a party, etc... and slowly increasing the anxiety provoking stimuli in a safe manner but always allowing him a chance to escape too if it become too overwhelming.
These are big events for him that can cause him anxiety and depression/insecurity issues which causes him to retreat, so going slowly with him and not being angry with him when he says no. Try to come up with a compromise with him by discussing the issue.
ok and before we were writing to each other messages and now he doesn't answer often... shall I continue to write to him? like tonight I wrote him a message saying that for the meeting of Tomorrow is all ready and that I sign saying I like you (as before)
Yes keep on writing him message, the insecurity issues will cause him to retreat and that is probably why he is not answering often because he feels bad that he upset you
shall i continue to dimostrate my feelings or not?
Yes you can still demonstrate your feelings for him and also tell him that you understand and that you apologize for being angry, this will help reassure him and make him feel more comfortable. Then ask for healthy compromises that you both agree on that can help both of you succeed and move forward in this relationship
I would also, at one point when you are both closer together, to suggest therapy for him, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help overcome this personality disorder
He avoid to speak about the therapy... It seems he is going to a therapist but he doesn't tell
I understand, well hopefully he and this therapist are making progress for him to overcome this. One day when he tells you about therapy, ask him if there is anything you can do to support him with this therapy, this will help him a lot and will help him trust you and be more comfortable with you
one day he told me that he cannot get closer to woman ..... I do not know if he was speaking of me or other-- but he said help me to get closer
That is good that he is asking for help, that shows that he is comfortable and he may have been talking about you and wanting to get closer to you.
any other suggestion to get closer to him and to make him more confortable
Also you mentioned that you got angry with him and this is a good worksheet to help you express your anger in a more assertive and more appropriate way with him, so it will be gentler.
Encourage him to speak his mind more about issues and just listen to him and acknowledge his feelings. If he learns to be more verbal in expressing himself, this will help him feel more comfortable
Ok...I'm not anymore angry with him now that I know...
The other thing is that he has a very strong negative view of the world and himself, this is one the core issues of Avoidant Personality Disorder.
So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help him keep track of any negative thoughts he has. He puts the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want him to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help him change his way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
If you help him using this technique to think more objectively about his surroundings and himself, then this will help him with his personality disorder and to be more comfortable with you as well
Is difficult at the moment...
Also this worksheet is good as well to replace those negative self-beliefs
he is still angry with me
He will get over that in time, just try to apologize and verbalize why you were angry at more the situation and not at him and explain to him that you understand and you will not get angry or lash out like that again
He will forgive you, just give him some time and try to apologize to him
I have done it ... but I wrote him a strong letter and now I'm afraid to have done something wrong
I put the letter in Google translator do you like to read it and tell me if I was wrong?
Sure I can read the letter for you and give you my opinion
Hola other night to think and this is the result .... For one thing ... it is true that I did not understand anything and like you said " you came late," but I can tell you that late is better than never, so this is the last time I tell you with seriousness and straight from the heart "I'm sorry ." Then I assure you that my opinion of you has not changed and that you consider someone special and fantastic and I will continue to think so. Do you want to use me as punginball blame me for everything what is happening ... go ahead , but do not think that from now on I will feel hurt ( and not because I do not care about you, but I'll understand why when you do it to vent ) For me today changes everything ... I'm not going to avoid and to prevent Gaia to see Mari ... Sunday then probably we are there too ... No one will ever know our discussions and our past, when I see you I'm not going to avoid you my smiles if I would make them I'm not going to suppress my feelings for a person who I admire and to which I want really good Do not you want me "Other" ... I came to the conclusion that I would just " you" as you are, or how you will be , and if and when there will be I'm not going to impose my person, but I'll live my life and if our lives will intersect I will be myself Your waste will not hit me anymore because I exist and I know it was wrong , but I also know how I am inside and I know how " I care " of the people who are beside me and even those who are far away And if you happen to like having to go to the " Field Championships in Athletics in Rivoli " and " do not know how to go there ," it is useless for you to do me all the rigmarole you did to me last time that I did not understand ... . Use the magic word " HOLA I have to go .... " and I will be by your side forever! and only when thou covet If I do not get a message that you want to pass .... tell me , "but you are in the CLOUDS " and I will try to interpret it in the right way And if I need you or just want to be with you ... I will ask ... I say no ... I will not feel rejected and I will continue to ask too many times after If you feel offended by anything I say or do ... tell me you have " offended " and I will try not to do it more and understand why I did it This is me , with all my faults and maybe a few advantages , but I'm not going to be different from how they are especially with you which I love her ! And if you tell me that you know well Via Sospello and do not tell me why ... I will not feel affected .... and know that if I saw you "weird" when I told you that I have a long battle with Gaia G because I want to send to the Jewish school in the middle ... I do not ask why making strange fantasies and feeling struck thinking that you've found that are 1/4 Jewish and maybe you can not stand the Jews ... A great big kiss and a hug
I do not think you said anything wrong in the letter necessarily, it was very direct though and sometimes people with Avoidant Personality Disorder do not take directness well and interpret it as blame, but I am sure he knows you very well, so most likely he did not interpret it that way. You apologized and now it is time for him to think about this and then most likely he will forgive you in time and you both can move forward.
Ok.... when I discovered the AVDP he was very terrible to me and he said "forgive that we will be as "
in the past
meaning that our relationship was not nice like before
He most likely said that out of anger, give him some time to cool off and then he will approach you. Individuals AVDP to not have many friends, so he will miss you a lot in time, so be patient and allow him to come to you now
ok ... thank you very much for your help
Anytime, I am always happy to help. I truly hope that you and this man can repair your relationship and move forward. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.
Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much
yes I will do
thanks and bye
You are most welcome and I wish you all the best :)
Again... he wrote me a beautiful mail and he run away again... I fell that he is jelous of my results in life... I continue to write him ... is stressful.