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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5101
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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The same as what I just Googled. I just found and hook-up

Resolved Question:

The same as what I just Googled. I just found porn and hook-up sites and black women (we are causicians); (we became engaged a year ago and he moved into my home. and found e-mails from women for hour or two hook-ups. I found he viewed this all on his cell phone. Once when I was not home. And once when I was upstairs in bed!

If I try to talk with him... I know he will yell at me. I am currently in therapy because he calls me names and such when he gets mad. Often he goes to motels and leaves when he gets angry.

This is a new one for me/us. I am coming undone right now. How I found out is he accidently left his cell phone at home and took mine. So I am using his for the day and he obviously has mine.

I am very sure he did not mean for me to have his phone... especially after what I am sure he would be trying to hide...
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry to hear about this behavior from your fiance, I can imagine how distressed this must make you feel

Dr. Z :

I believe that this man is not being faithful to you by what you have discovered and most likely this behavior will continue or possibly will get worse for you too

Dr. Z :

In fact, because he gets angry at you and belittles you by calling you names, and is most likely cheating on you with these other woman, he may have traits of a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is very severe. Here is a link describing it in more detail for you

Dr. Z :

Individuals with traits of NPD typically do not get better on their own and do not respond well to treatment as they feel that everyone else is wrong and they are fine.

Customer:

It does not seem to matter that I am considered a beautiful woman. The is playing with my self-esteem.

Dr. Z :

This man does not seem to respect you very much, which is unfortunate, but it shows he does not deserve you either.

Customer:

I have considered the pathology of Narcissistic PD. I studied it in college. We are not of the same education or social status. It sickens me to know he is doing this.

Customer:

As I stated, I have been in therpy for myself... over the verbal abuse when he gets angry. Working on trying to find out why I am letting him stay. Classic... I know...

Dr. Z :

I believe that you may be co-dependent on him, this is a typical result from a relationship with someone that has NPD because of their charm and manipulation

Dr. Z :

Here is brief look at co-dependency also

Customer:

Do you feel that asking him about this will do a thing at all? Other than bring on a confrontation? My therapy is for Cognitive. To find out why I accept this. And yes. I am a co-dependent as well. From my childhood issues, etc. Yes, he is very charming and very good looking. He is the first person I met after my husband passed away. I had joined Match.com. And yes. I am have noted his lieing to me in the past... over other issues. Never did I suspect this porn thing. Also, found a secret email as well. Recently created. Had four 'hook-up' responses. I feel so betrayed. As he states how much he loves me. And yes, we have a (I thought) good sex life.

Customer:

Yes. I have studied this. Over and over. And am wondering how I went from a perfect and normal marriage to this... I had co-depended relationships in my past. Have deep-seated fear of being alone.

Dr. Z :

Typically if you bring it up with someone who has NPD, they will just shift the blame on to you for something and make you believe that you are at fault, when of course you are not. Individuals with NPD fail to take responsibility for their own actions. That is good that you are in therapy and I would urge to you break away from this relationship as I think it will hurt you more if you continue with it.

Customer:

My marriage with my husband was entirely normal. And no... it was not boring to me. I feel I have been taken with this man's romantic ways. This relationship began over two years ago. And I do note that he needs to always be paid attention to... which is classic NPD.

Dr. Z :

Co-dependency is very tough to break and usually requires intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as it is the most evidence based therapy to treat this issue.

Customer:

Yes. Everything is my fault. Always...

Dr. Z :

Yeah I think you have definitely researched this and you are intelligent enough to realize that this man has typical symptoms of NPD

Customer:

And never had sex like this. Very embarrassed to say this... I can see why now. He must have plenty of experience... :(

Dr. Z :

Its okay and you do not have to be embarrassed, sex is meant to be very pleasurable so because you experienced pleasure from it, is very natural

Customer:

Okay. Really there is nothing that you can do. I must do this. Am entirely afraid to bring up what I just found...

Dr. Z :

I would like to recommend some books for you on this subject to help you breakaway from this relationship if you like

Customer:

I have downloaded almost all I can get onto my Kindle. This does not help. As here I am... and this is a major tipping point. I should call this off... and like every co-dependent will attempt to fix it. Yes. I will check these links.

Dr. Z :

I can only confirm your fears about this man, which is what I did, but you are very intelligent and a woman who deserves respect from her partner. You should definitely call this off and I believe you have the strength inside yourself to do this

Customer:

Okay. I will see if I have these. And suppose my best bet is to call my therapist who is working on me. For me. After years of co-dependency... hard to imagine I am still here. It is a tough one.

Dr. Z :

I know, but I believe that you can do this

Customer:

I am just wondering how do this. He has been being so 'normal'.

Customer:

Tell me I am beautiful. Etc. WHY? It is the pathology? Or perchance sexual additions?

Dr. Z :

He has hidden the fact of who he truly is, this is what people with NPD do. Most likely you are beautiful, but he is someone who is very selfish and only thinks about himself, this is his pathology of why he cheats and explains his other behaviors as well

Customer:

The website shocked me. I feel very very alone. And very very betrayed. Lied to. The whole gauntlet.

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, but it is better that you know now what kind of man this is before you married him

Customer:

Wish me luck. I need it. And you are confirming my every suspicion. I guess because I am sixty now... I feel that I will never find anyone...

Customer:

Will your links still be available to me once we sign out?

Customer:

Website. Not just one. And the hook-up deal scares me.

Dr. Z :

Yes when you finish rating me, this chat will be sent as a link to your email, if it has not already, so you can always use it for future reference. In addition, this chat will be saved in your JA account under My Questions so you can always go back to it when you need to. So all the links will be available to you no matter what

Dr. Z :

I do wish you the best and you deserve to be with a man who genuinely loves you and respects you.

Customer:

Thank you very much for your assistance. KJ

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

I do not think I will be looking for a very long while. If and when this happens... :(

Customer:

Thank you. And have a nice evening.

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome, and I hope you have a good evening as well

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5101
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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