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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5748
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My wife is gone every evening for 2-3 hours, I believe she

Resolved Question:

My wife is gone every evening for 2-3 hours, I believe she is not telling the truth about where she is, it does not add up. I confront her all the time, she says she is being the person she wants to be, we have been together for 12 years, she is 49. It seemed to start last January, it was weird it happened all of a sudden, she says not. I suggested counseling, she says nothing is wrong.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having this difficulty with your wife being gone 2-3 hours every night since January, I can imagine how distressing this is for you

Dr. Z :

I would like to ask you a couple questions to get some more information, so that I can better assist you

Customer:

ok

Dr. Z :

Have there been any other secrets in your marriage at all recently? Hidden emails, phone calls, etc...

Customer:

I do not have access to phone, text or email. Nothing on home phone

Customer:

I should say her phone, text or email

Dr. Z :

Have you noticed any change in her behavior at all?

Customer:

We used to be home a lot together, especially summer evenings outside, this past summer not so much. She says she is going to tan, not a new thing or go to the liquor store, then not come home for 2-3 hours, saying she was talking to people. We live in a small town, we just got a walmart, so I know that place is open late and she says she goes there. She drinks every day, but doesnʻt always get drunk. She always did drink, but not every day. I do not drink at all. She says we should be able to do things separate and we do. I just do not see the logic in being out every night.

Dr. Z :

Well it is understandable for couples that want to do independent things, but her not telling you what she is doing means she is hiding something, so I would agree with you that this is suspicious. Since you mentioned that she is drinking more recently everyday, she could just be drinking alone. Has she been more stressed recently at work or with her personal life?

Dr. Z :

And I definitely think you were right to suggest counseling too, I believe that she needs this for her own personal issues and to help communicate with you as well

Customer:

She says she is stressed and busy at work, she was forced to retire due to budget, she works for county government, she was given a contractual job as an option and had to take it. The money is about the same with her retirement but she works harder. She has an auto immune condition and drinking is not good for her, her first husband was a user and controller. My first wife drank way more and was unfaithful, we both have a past, but the relationship was good for both us until lately. I told her if it some one else, let me know. I just want the truth.

Dr. Z :

I agree that you deserve the truth because she is hiding something, you are not mistaken about that, but I am not confident that it is another man yet. May I ask, how is your emotional and physical intimacy with your wife since she started this behavior of going out every night?

Customer:

Sex declined for a while, spring of 2012 she stopped taking the pill and were more active through the fall of 2012 when the dr gave her another script, then it slowed again. She also may be menopausal, probably not had ovulation since I canʻt remember when. I read about pill and meno slowing down womens libido, she says it is her age, and once or twice a week is more than enough for people our age. She also has hording tendencies, buys stuff we donʻt use, we have way too much stuff for the small house we have, and outside storage is full. I keep talking about yard sales and cleaning out stuff that has been in the garage for years and now the new shed is full.

Dr. Z :

It is possible that the stress of her work has caused her to feel depressed and anxious and this would explain the hoarding tendencies, and many people with depression and anxiety buy things compulsively to make them feel good in a superficial manner. Also that would explain the increase in drinking. She may be doing this in secret because she knows that you care about her and would encourage her not to drink as much because of her medical condition and that could be what she is doing in private every night. Also menopause can cause depressive symptoms as well. So overall I do not believe that she is cheating on you, although your suspicion is valid, but I think she is drinking in private and overall having issues with depression and stress/anxiety

Customer:

She does not initiate intimacy, and is slow to accept and does not allow enough time for real intimacy. I want more play, and not just the act.

Customer:

I am still going to pursue counseling, things are just not right.

Dr. Z :

I know that she does not want to go to counseling, but I believe you should push the issue more, maybe even convince her to see her medical doctor to discuss hormone levels as a drop can cause some of these symptoms, especially the drop in intimacy. But you can make a counseling appointment for yourself and invite her to go with you on a consistent basis and usually with most couples the other partner will be curious about the therapy sessions and start going with you.

Dr. Z :

I agree, things are not right at all here and I believe that she does need help and she may be in denial of her mental health right now. But the good news is that this is very treatable with a great success rate

Dr. Z :

I would like to recommend some books for you too

Customer:

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX back to work.

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I wish you and your wife the very best and I truly hope she gets the counseling/therapy to help strengthen your marriage. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5748
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Mental Health Professional
5748 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.