Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation
I can see why you feel the way you do, but only you know how painful it is. On one hand it is true you just decided to live together and taken that step forward, but you were already dating for the past 2 years and sharing a lot for the past 7 years, which does not make any sense when he says that this is something apart from your relationship. How could he justify it?
I believe anybody in your shoes would feel truly betrayed and fooled, since he was aware all this time and totally committed to this process but willingly choose to hide it from you, and now expects you to feel comfortable and fine about it, which obviously seems very unfair and even an abusive expectations, since it goes against the basic respect, trust and caring you were supposed to have for each together for all these years, and specially for the past two that you have been in this relationship.
This is not about him donating his sperm to a regular sperm bank, and not getting any involvement with the baby that would come from it nor with his/her family and life; this is why there are so many clear ethical and legal standards and regulations around sperm donation, but his case is totally different. He's decided to donate his sperm to this close friend of her and got this closely involved int he whole process, which shows the intimacy of their friendship and lives connected to each other. Which is something shocking for anybody in your shoes finding out the way you did about it.
How do you feel now about it, what's your biggest fear?
I do not see you are being selfish nor narrow minded at all here, but reacting to overwhelming news, which show your partner has not been truly honest towards you, specially about this very serious and life changing decision and commitment he has made more than a year ago, that for sure will continue affecting and shaping your lives as a couple in the future too.
Sorry Raphael I have people walking in and out the office here thus not able to reply immediately.
No problem at all. I do understand. Thank you for letting me know.
Thank you I appreciate what you are saying - its means a lot knowing that I'm not just being narrow minded
He is the type of man who is so extreme and full of energy which is what attracted me to him in the first place but I think if I had done something similar to him it wouldve been a totally different
How do I reason with a man who is beyond reasoning with ?
You are not for sure! This is a very serious situation, and I do believe it must be addressed as such, and if he shows inability to understand your point, even what common sense shows, please look for a good couples counselor, or even better for a marriage and family therapist to support you to work on this situation.
Your only hope is professional counseling or psychotherapy, but if he is unwilling to consider it, then I am very sorry, but I think this would not help but undermine even more your relationship and life together.
I have some one in mind - a councillor. Perhaps she can put things in perspective. I have the feeling that somehow he completely missed out on communication and people skills along the line- ironically he is
the first to point out when something Id said or done has hurt his feelings.
Remember that without real "reciprocal" respect, honesty, caring , understanding, affection and support, there is no way for a relationship to develop and grow as a really healthy and fulfilling experience.
Then what I see is that he is the one with selfishness, dishonesty, immaturity and other core personal issues seriously affecting your relationship, and unless he chooses to address them and commits to work on himself, taking full responsibility for his own choices, feelings and actions, this situation would not improve but deteriorate even more.
There is a little voice in my head telling me that I need to walk away. What I fear is that I would and that he would come crawling back and that I would fall for his charm again. He is a brilliant sales and business man and I'm ashamed to say that I can resist his charm - I really do love him so deeply.
Sound very manipulative and codependent.
I meant to say can not resist his charm.
But I am a strong woman and I can do it
This is not about how much you truly love this person, but about how healthy this love and relationship happens to be now in real life and would be in the future taking into account these serious issues, not only around the baby but about his lack of honesty, sensitivity about your feelings, not setting you as a number one priority in his life, the manipulation, the lack of insight about obvious things, leading to abusive approaches and more.
Thank you Rafael. Its true and I do feel better knowing that I am not crazy to feel this way. I will take what you have said under serious consideration.
Please read about codependency, like "Codependent No More", look for s local support group for codependency, and if possible consider individual counseling or psychotherapy for you to work on taking better care of yourself and effectively coping with this serious situation and all he challenges that seem present here. The last thing you want to do is to self-sabotage , allowing and enabling dishonesty, neglect or any form of abuse.
I will definitely do that. Thank you so much for your time and advice, much appreciated .
You're very welcome. Thank you for being this open, for trusting me. Please feel free to contact me for any further questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.