How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

A man I am having a long distance email/phone relationship

Resolved Question:

A man I am having a long distance email/phone relationship with for 2 mos. sent me an email with a sexual fantasy incorporating me in it. He engaged me on a dating site/ said he was lonely & wanted a friend. After getting the email he said he was looking for someone to unload these fantasies on since he said he had a high degree of sexual creativity & aggression. Not sure how to handle.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you have felt challenged and uncomfortable by thei person's initiative

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify if you have a long distance friendship, romantic/sexual relationship?

Customer:

It started as an alleged friendship, he said he was lonely & wanted a friend. He has been married & divorced multiple times. He had a heart attack over a year ago & had a stent placed. Our conversations started to have more sexual dialogue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From your response it seems you have already assertively responded to his invitation, being honest and direct, letting him know that you respect his fantasies, being very empathetic and understanding, but also setting a good boundary when stating that you do not feel comfortable in the present sharing at that level with him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These two words you have used, namely "being reciprocal and mutual"are very accurate describing how a healthy relationship should develop in order for both of you to be and feel comfortable with each other, and to share something really fulfilling and respectful. Having been multiple times married uses to be a red flag most of the time, specially if he openly states having been actively looking for someone to fulfill these fantasies. You have only been sharing at this level for two months and he is already telling you what he is looking for and needs, because of his high and aggressive sex drive, which obviously shows this is a person who sets sexual relationships as top priority.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you should continue to give time for you to better know this person, to find out if you truly feel comfortable with him, find enough compatibility between your core needs and expectations, personalities and life styles. Right now it would be too early to really know, and what you have already seen is that around sex, you seem to be different and not that compatible at least in the present, since you may look for more intimacy, emotional involvement and commitment, while he is actively looking for a sexual partner to fulfill his sexual needs.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

It does not appear that an actual sexual relationship will occur, since we live long distance. Initially, he talked as if he might visit me, but more recently sounded like that was not the intent. What does he want of me?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
I see. When he initially told you about his possible plans to visit you, did you already tell him you were not willing to engage in fulfilling his sexual fantasies?
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

No. He told me my pictures said I was a very sexy woman. He kept on talking about things we would do for fun, etc. if he came to visit me. I only told him I was not willing to engage recently, after I received the erotic email.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Then I am afraid that everything he has been sharing seems to point at trying to find out if you were willing to engage in his sexual fantasies-needs, and that as soon as he knew you were not, he had no reason to go there, which is obviously very sad and insensitive, but seems to be what his behaviors show, and unhappily this is not uncommon pattern, specially when it's about short online relationships.

On one hand I see you look for much more than mostly sex, while his behaviors show that he is mostly focused on fulfilling his sexual fantasies ans needs. It is very common to find people who are willing to travel long distances just for sex, while the other person could have no idea it is about that, and has been nurturing real feeling and hope about a real and healthy romantic relationship.

Does it make sense?

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education