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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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A man I am having a long distance email/phone relationship

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A man I am having a long distance email/phone relationship with for 2 mos. sent me an email with a sexual fantasy incorporating me in it. He engaged me on a dating site/ said he was lonely & wanted a friend. After getting the email he said he was looking for someone to unload these fantasies on since he said he had a high degree of sexual creativity & aggression. Not sure how to handle.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you have felt challenged and uncomfortable by thei person's initiative

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify if you have a long distance friendship, romantic/sexual relationship?

Customer:

It started as an alleged friendship, he said he was lonely & wanted a friend. He has been married & divorced multiple times. He had a heart attack over a year ago & had a stent placed. Our conversations started to have more sexual dialogue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From your response it seems you have already assertively responded to his invitation, being honest and direct, letting him know that you respect his fantasies, being very empathetic and understanding, but also setting a good boundary when stating that you do not feel comfortable in the present sharing at that level with him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These two words you have used, namely "being reciprocal and mutual"are very accurate describing how a healthy relationship should develop in order for both of you to be and feel comfortable with each other, and to share something really fulfilling and respectful. Having been multiple times married uses to be a red flag most of the time, specially if he openly states having been actively looking for someone to fulfill these fantasies. You have only been sharing at this level for two months and he is already telling you what he is looking for and needs, because of his high and aggressive sex drive, which obviously shows this is a person who sets sexual relationships as top priority.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you should continue to give time for you to better know this person, to find out if you truly feel comfortable with him, find enough compatibility between your core needs and expectations, personalities and life styles. Right now it would be too early to really know, and what you have already seen is that around sex, you seem to be different and not that compatible at least in the present, since you may look for more intimacy, emotional involvement and commitment, while he is actively looking for a sexual partner to fulfill his sexual needs.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

It does not appear that an actual sexual relationship will occur, since we live long distance. Initially, he talked as if he might visit me, but more recently sounded like that was not the intent. What does he want of me?

I see. When he initially told you about his possible plans to visit you, did you already tell him you were not willing to engage in fulfilling his sexual fantasies?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

No. He told me my pictures said I was a very sexy woman. He kept on talking about things we would do for fun, etc. if he came to visit me. I only told him I was not willing to engage recently, after I received the erotic email.

Then I am afraid that everything he has been sharing seems to point at trying to find out if you were willing to engage in his sexual fantasies-needs, and that as soon as he knew you were not, he had no reason to go there, which is obviously very sad and insensitive, but seems to be what his behaviors show, and unhappily this is not uncommon pattern, specially when it's about short online relationships.

On one hand I see you look for much more than mostly sex, while his behaviors show that he is mostly focused on fulfilling his sexual fantasies ans needs. It is very common to find people who are willing to travel long distances just for sex, while the other person could have no idea it is about that, and has been nurturing real feeling and hope about a real and healthy romantic relationship.

Does it make sense?

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