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Hello I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry that you are going through this currently, I can imagine how distressing this must be for you and your boyfriend as well
I would like to ask, what did your daughter tell you specifically when you asked for your boyfriend to be there and she said no, did she elaborate on that to help you understand?
I actually told my daughter, when I heard about the upcoming wedding, that I would talk to her dad to find out where he thought he and his family were in the process (about having my boyfriend), but she forged ahead with a conversation with dad. He said that he would rather pay for the entire wedding, if he wouldn't be there, and that he wasn't sure his brothers (a tight pack of 6) would be civil.
So it sounds like your daughter is doing this not because she disapproved of the affair, but to avoid a possible confrontation on what is the most important day of her life, would that be fair to say?
Very well said, yes.
So she is not really trying to hurt you or your boyfriend, and keep both of you out of her life, but instead I think she is in a delicate position of trying to keep the peace as best as she can
Yes. She has told me on a few occasions that she respects my relationship with him, if I love him and he loves me and he makes me happy, then, she's happy for me. Not saying that it's all good - but she has the general concept of moving forward.
But - is it her responsibility to maintain peace at her own wedding? Or, should it be the adults responsibility to be civil in ALL circumstances, because they are the adults and this is her day? Shouldn't I be able to share in this most joyous occasion with my boyfriend/partner? Otherwise, I feel as if I'm going to show up - I should just wear a scarlet A on my dress, because my boyfriend "was not allowed to attend" because of the scandal of the affair.
It'll be hard for me to be happiest - if I don't have the one person beside me who makes me so happy.
You are right everyone should be civil there and they should act like adults, but not everyone is that good maintaining their civility. And I think your daughter is afraid that your ex-husband's family will be the ones more likely to not maintain their civility during the wedding/reception if your boyfriend is with you. I am sure she does not want to hurt you and it sounds like she has no problem with him being there, but I think she was trying to not cause a scene with your ex-husband's family that may not have as much self-control as one would hope. So instead of taking the chance, she was hoping that you and your current boyfriend would be willing to take the sacrifice.
I know it hurts, and it is not fair at all, but maybe you and your boyfriend can do something special, just the four of you, before or after the wedding
That will hopefully show that your daughter truly does care for both of you and does not want to hurt you two
Yes. That was actually something that I thought of, and our way of showing our solidarity in partnership and in support of their wedding, even though he would not be there to share in the day. Thank you.