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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5090
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Like so many, I am in a relationship with a man I am beginning

Resolved Question:

Like so many, I am in a relationship with a man I am beginning to detest. All was fine in the beginning, he was going through a divorce, and I stood by him for almost 2 years. As the divorce progressed, he would lie to me constantly over stupid things...it has gotten to the point now, that I do not trust a thing he says. Sex used to be wonderful! It was the best I ever had, but then it quit for a while and when it did resume, he could not perform. The doctor gave him meds, and they worked great, but he said that they were too pricey and quit. He had many affairs before me, and he said it was because his wife did not want to have sex, so he had to get it someplace, and it was excessive; it was even with her friends! Then he would bring them back to the house when they had pool parties. He has helped me out a lot financially and he is great with my kids, with are now out of the house, but one. Also this past summer, his son came to town, but they did not want to meet me, because they would upset their children and he condoned it. I have stuck by this man through thick and thin and this is the thanks I get when his own family turned a blind eye?? I want him out of my house, but I can not make it financially. I quit my 2nd job when he moved in, because I was working 60 hours a week plus and was getting sick. What the heck do I do now? When we talk, he screams, when I say how I feel, he blames me for everything. He says that I am making excuses not to get close to him and am pushing him away. I am depressed, and also, I have Bipolar 2; when I go under extra stress, I break down. I can not even stand to look at him anymore. He has become a pig. He does not take care of his health, he smokes even though he sounds like Darth Vader when he breathes, he has diabetes and shoves everything in his mouth that he isn't supposed to and when it IS something good for him, he eats about 5 helpings and wonders why his sugar is high. I cant deal with it anymore, but yet I feel sorry for him in a sense. He thinks that he is better than anyone else; he was in the Navy and retired at a higher rank, but that does not impress me like he thinks it should. If someone does not respect me, how do I respect them, title or no title? I need help and fast! I am getting mean with my words, and I trying to hold back, but I am ready to explode.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are in this current situation with this man, I can tell by the tone of your question that you are very distressed with good reason too

Dr. Z :

I would like to ask you a few questions to get some more information, so that I can better help you today

Customer:

Ok...Im ready

Dr. Z :

Does this man always expect constant praise and attention?

Customer:

Yes

Customer:

I just can not do it anymore when I do not mean it. I cant even by him a nice card anymore

Dr. Z :

Given everything you said to describe him I believe he has a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Here are more details in this link for you

Dr. Z :

This is a personality disorder where he will never get better without intensive treatment, and even then the odds are still not goo

Customer:

I have already seen the details and he fits them to a T

Customer:

He goes to a dr but its just so he can get his Navy disability.

Customer:

I don't believe he shows his true colors

Customer:

Also, I know this dr. personally and he is a quack. He will give you any meds that you want.

Dr. Z :

I know you cannot leave because of the financial situation, but you will have to figure out a way because this will not get better for you with him

Customer:

How do I get him to leave without leaving behind too much destruction.

Customer:

He lives with me, otherwise, I would have been gone long ago.

Dr. Z :

Medications cannot cure what he has, he would need at least 2-3 years of intensive Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to cure him and even then the odds are not positive because many individuals with NPD feel that they do not need treatment and that everyone is the problem.

Customer:

I am so depressed

Dr. Z :

Well i want to recommend this book that has an assortment of ideas on how to leave someone with NPD

Customer:

and angry

Dr. Z :

There is no one way to do it and you will have to try multiple ways to do it, but you cannot expect him to leave, you will have to leave him

Customer:

How do I leave my own house?

Dr. Z :

Do you own the house or do you share it?

Customer:

I have packed his things once and then felt sorry for him and let him stay.

Customer:

own it

Customer:

he cries and says we will work it out, but after 2 days, its the same if not worse

Dr. Z :

Then kick him out, pack his bags, but do not feel sorry for him because individuals with NPD are very good at manipulating

Customer:

Should I wait till I get a second job?

Dr. Z :

Do not fall for his tricks, these books here will help you understand how to interact with him

Customer:

He has my kids fooled! Buys them things, gives them money....

Dr. Z :

That is up to you, if you want to wait for financial security I understand that, but things will not get better for you emotionally the longer you wait

Customer:

he is the Man of the Year in their eyes and that makes it even harder, bc I can not give them a lot of things.

Customer:

I feel so much guilt. Is this part of what they do?

Dr. Z :

He is manipulating people around you, this is what individuals with NPD do

Dr. Z :

Yes they want you to feel guilty, that is the manipulation!

Customer:

can I find these books at Barnes and Nobles?

Dr. Z :

You may be able too at the store, I am not sure. But you will definitely be able to find them on their online store.

Customer:

Do you have any advise on what to do until I can find a job

Customer:

I am beginning to hate him...

Customer:

And I am not like that.

Dr. Z :

Truthfully I understand your hatred for him and I think the best advice is to get him out of your life as soon as possible. But if you want to express your frustration/anger towards him, do it in an assertive way so that you still maintain control and also you still express that anger. This worksheet can help with that.

Customer:

Expressing does not help. He pretends like he listens and then does nothing to change anything. He knows I need the money, and I believe he uses that.

Customer:

He just says, "WHAT DID I DO NOW? I AM TRYING!" He gets angry

Dr. Z :

I think he uses that against you too. Individuals with NPD will try to control you

Customer:

Ok, I will get the books and get a part-time job as soon as possible.

Customer:

What a crap time of the year for this

Dr. Z :

I think the books will help give you insight on his behavior and help you disarm his way of controlling and manipulating too

Dr. Z :

I am sorry, but I believe the sooner he gets out of your life the better for you emotionally

Customer:

I have nothing to lose by trying

Customer:

Thank you for your help.

Customer:

I feel like I am the crazy one!

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I wish you the best of luck and I hope this man leaves your life very soon because you deserve better. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z :

You are definitely not the crazy one at all, he is!

Customer:

Ok...thank you.

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome :)

Dr. Z :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z :

Oh and also when you finish rating me, this chat will be sent as a link to your email, if it has not already, so you can always use it for future reference. In addition, this chat will be saved in your JA account under My Questions so you can always go back to it when you need to

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5090
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
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  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
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