Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality you and your children have been suffering.
What you describe here is very serious, since it clearly shows that your husband does suffer of serious mental health disorders, it is not just a matter of having a different opinion leading to an argument, but this is a clear pattern of delusions or very distorted beliefs, where reality is denied and leading to the serious abuse you have reported.
For how long has your husband presented these behaviors?
For a long time..but only recently he has got worse. My two oldest children left home because of him...they are back but my daughter who is 23 said she will leave again. He try to control my life and the kids. He questions every time my daughter stays out or goes off with her friends for the weekend. She had just finished her BA degree and she is doing her honours in industrial
Could you please also tell me if he keeps these beliefs when around other people, like relatives or friends, making the same statements about your and your children's integrity and morality?
Oh yes all the time.
Then this is not an isolated episode but a chronic serious problem that has been getting worse
I am very sorry to confirm this, but he does have, according to your report a serious mental health disorder, and his very abusive behaviors would continue unless you allow yourself to behold other approaches here, since unhappily, as long as he does not openly commit something that is considered as illegal, or presents a serious risk of danger, affecting his own integrity or your lives, no authority nor professional can initiate nor implement an intervention against his will.
Yep when I suggested this morning that we get the kids tested for drugs just to show him he is wrong..his answer was do not treat me like a baby I am an adult mm they are on drugs and do not dare question it...what do I know.. i am a bad mother
Without his consent nobody would be able to provide any necessary support for his rehabilitation to start and develop.
But you nor your children need nor deserve to continue to suffer this much, there is nothing healthy you could get from so much abuse, this is domestic violence, and even when he cannot be forced to get necessary treatment, he is still responsible for everything he does, and this serious abuse an violence are unacceptable.
Most people in your shoes develop depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders because of the serious pain an suffering they are exposed to when the mentally ill person continues to perpetuate the abuse without any limitation, since he has not afforded any serious consequence because of it.
I know, but how do I get him to see a doctor? It took me more than 3 years to get him to go on high blood pressure pills..
But you and your children are still suffering and should not afford getting more abuse and your mental health and well being more seriously undermined.
I am very sorry but I no to see how anybody in your shoes could get that, and even in case you could persuade him to meet a professional using nay reason, once he finds out what's happening, he would get much worse, since he would think he got confirmation that you have been lying , manipulating and trying to control and harm here, and that's not going to be good for you nor for your children either, it would make his delusions and abuse much worse.
Do agree with u but I am one of the lucky ones just to ignore him..but now I feel like I am going crazy listening to so much crap 24/7 lucky I work as an Estate Agent..but he even finds fault in me doing that...like I hear oh I support u and you are not making money.. or I am not good enough..or who wants to buy a house from you..i would not. grrr.
This is a real nightmare, but as you just said, ignoring him, his serious mental health illness and abuse, would not resolve the problem, and sooner or later all of you would have to afford even bigger and more painful consequences from it, it is truly sad and frustrating but that is reality, when people, even those who have a lot of resilience are chronically expose to abuse they end getting mentally impacted sooner or later, and that's always sad and never a good think to do.
do u think it could have bipolar disorder or do u think it's something worse than that? He is Also very controll
Do u think it's maybe a case of depression or bipolar disorder! Or is it something worse than that?
It could be from a neurological disorder, to bipolar, to even schizophrenia, there is no way to know for sure unless he gets psychologically evaluated, but what you know for sure is that he has serious mental health illness, since these delusions and abusive behaviors show them, and have been getting worse, and that would be the tendency, this is why without necessary evaluation and consistent treatment, he would not have a chance to rehabilitate at all.
I think he has personality disorder and this psychotic symptom could be related to any of the previous serious mental illnesses, mo way to know without adequate assessment. Does he have any rapid mood changes, of feel very depressed one time and very excited another?
He controls all the money I am not allowed to have my own money and he questions every time I spend money. I have my own bank account and credit card which he recently found out...oh hell did he blow up..he can not understand why I want my own money..now I just spend the money and I do not answer him on what I spent..
What you are describing is what uses to happen with most people in your shoes, you find yourself having to cope in some way and that leads him to believe he was right and that you have been really sabotaging him and manipulating everything, it becomes a real vicious circle that would get worse and worse.
No he is just very moody some days he can be fine and in a good mood...the other days he walks around screaming and shouting about any small thing..from clothes on the floor to the car been dirty.
Then I believe it could not be about bipolar disorder, but much more about personality disorder, schizophrenia or other psychotic disorder.
yep I also though so...could it be genetic..his mother suffered from depression but she never acted in the way he is doing
Absolutely, scientifically we still do not know for sure, but it is believed people come genetically programmed to develop these disorders, and it is through concrete life experiences, from bonding and parenting receive from parents or care takers, and other core experiences in life, that these disorders arise and develop. Then what you say makes sense, most times is just like that.
It's very sad and frustrating because he is the only one with the power and responsibility to get the professional mental health support-treatment he needs, thus no matter how hard you try to make him change his mind, it could never work, and that's why focusing on how to better cope and what you truly want and can afford now and in the long rung are very important decisions to work on.
Thank you very much for all your advise I really appreciate it just confirmed what I thought was wrong with him..
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me if you have any other questions or to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
Thanks I think I will have to threaten the divorce case again.. maybe that will work..but I will have to think of something.