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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My GF, who I have lived with for about 6 months, recently moved

Resolved Question:

My GF, who I have lived with for about 6 months, recently moved all of my things from her place back into mine and is breaking up with me. Things were rocky at times, but this was unexpected. She didn't warn me and is not communicating with me at all. It's a complete stonewall. She has locked me out, but leaves ways for me to get back into the house (and knows I come back in) For example, she put a pad lock on the side gate, but left free access through the garage and front door. Something else that is odd is that I can track, without her knowing, if/when she opens my emails asking for reconciliation. She opens them immediately and then reopens them, I assumes reads them, 5-6 times.
I'm not sure what to make of this. Is the lock out/stonewalling a charade and she really wants me back?
Thanks for your help.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 9 months ago.

Coach Jen K. :

Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Coach Jen K. :

It sounds to me that she is trying to communicate something to you about her feeling sin the relationship but is having difficulty doing so.

Coach Jen K. :

If it is possible i would sit tight and wait things out a bit and see if she comes around.

Customer:

should I cease all communication w/her?

Coach Jen K. :

Was there something that occurred right before the break up?

Customer:

yes... we argued. she's pretty severe BPD and has threatened leaving me before

Coach Jen K. :

i would send her one more simple email saying that you desire to be with her and will do what it takes to make that happen but will take her lead on how she would like to proceed.

Coach Jen K. :

then my guess is once she calms down a bit she will want to reconcile. Is she getting treatment for her BPD?

Customer:

I went back to the house the next day. she wouldn't make eye contact with me and wouldn't tell me to leave, she just left the home

Coach Jen K. :

are you comfortable to give her some time to work this out within herself?

Customer:

No treatment.

Customer:

I want to do what's best for her

Customer:

I love her very much

Coach Jen K. :

You can also leave her a small gift...flowers, chocolate with a simple note that says I love you and am here for you when you are ready

Coach Jen K. :

and then I would leave it at that.

Coach Jen K. :

I would also suggest that she see someone to get evaluated

Customer:

Is my continuing to give her attention keeping her at bay?

Coach Jen K. :

I dont want game playing but rather an open expression of what you desire and how you will be there for her but then taking a step back to let her process

Customer:

I agree on game playing. I oversimplified things...and why is she opening and reopening my emails; sometimes 5 times? BTW thanks for this, I really appreciate your help.

Coach Jen K. :

it is my pleasure. why does she read them over and over? most likely because she loves you and has a hard time acknowledging her feelings and feeling bad for blowing up and reacting in this way.

Coach Jen K. :

if she remains untreated then this type of roller coaster will exist for her

Customer:

IT's been a shocking experience for her. Many have told me to leave her, but it's hard for me to do that, knowing that abandonment is so frightening to her. I see the child in her and it's heart breaking.

Coach Jen K. :

yes and you are a very caring man but not at the expense of your own happiness and stability...that is important too

Customer:

lol, welcome to the world of codependency (i'm getting treatment) but that's a chat for another time. So to summarize: 1. Give her a gift and tell her I will do whatever it takes to stand by her side 2. Let her process it for a bit 3. The email "obsession" may be from her love/regrets for blowing up and 4. Protect my happiness...??

Coach Jen K. :

yes and for the gift...simple...a gesture...a card, chocolate...nothing over the top.

Coach Jen K. :

all of your points above are right on.

Coach Jen K. :

and yes you must protect your heart, happiness and sense of self.

Customer:

Yeah, I went over the top last time when I hired a plane with a banner to circle the house telling her I loved her...

Coach Jen K. :

it can easily get lost as you try to bend over backwards to please and make sure all is alright for her

Customer:

TELL ME ABOUT IT

Coach Jen K. :

noooooooo

Coach Jen K. :

ok so lets just leave it at a card then!

Customer:

lol... if you ever wanna impress a friend, try it

Coach Jen K. :

you cannot run yourself ragged her.

Coach Jen K. :

lol thanks for the tip

Customer:

I know, but you know codependency... I run ragged for everyone

Customer:

and the tip's on the house

Coach Jen K. :

but as you can see the bigger is not always the better because it cant keep her from blowing up...only proper evaluation and treatment can

Coach Jen K. :

yes so focus on you more...that is the most crucial from this conversation.

Coach Jen K. :

pay attention to you and stop allowing yourself to get lost in others

Customer:

but I make me about her... you know the drill

Customer:

But i'm getting help for that

Coach Jen K. :

good, i am glad.

Customer:

Well your advice has been helpful and comforting and well articulated

Customer:

I appreciate it

Coach Jen K. :

each time you feel that impulse stop and ask yourself is this about my insecurities and fears and worries? if so, then you can get a hold on it before you hire another plane

Coach Jen K. :

come to me anytime

Customer:

Well my fear is being alone

Coach Jen K. :

but at what cost? to be with someone who isnt able to give back and give mutuality?

Coach Jen K. :

that IS being alone

Customer:

and of course I have low self esteem even thought I'm financially very sound, in good shape, have a quick wit and am not hard on the eyes

Coach Jen K. :

yes but if you only believed all that

Customer:

well that's the thing

Coach Jen K. :

and smart too my friend...I can hear it

Customer:

I believe it, but I don't believe it makes a diff

Coach Jen K. :

if you believed it you would know that good qualities do make a difference

Coach Jen K. :

but sometimes the fit between the two is wrong

Customer:

yeah... see here's the thing... I believe I'm supposed to heal her (OH GOD CALLING DR. FREUD)... so it's my place to sacrifice... it's the "right thing" to do

Coach Jen K. :

so maybe it is time to evaluate if this is the right relationship for YOU

Coach Jen K. :

Sadly none of us can heal another...we can love but unless they want things to feel different for themselves there is no healing and that is the same for you

Customer:

I've walked out on her a number of times... I swear I won't come back... I even admonished myself on my Iphone video "Stay the f--k away!!!" but two days later, I'm back

Coach Jen K. :

if you want to heal this codependency then you must do the work

Customer:

I know

Coach Jen K. :

yes because of your need to fix and heal her but that doesnt fix you...it only perpetuates the cycle

Coach Jen K. :

if you put yourself first then you can begin to heal you

Customer:

Coach Jen, your words make perfect sense... but they don't resonate... do you know what I mean? My brain says "heck yeah" but my heart says "heal the little abandon girl"

Coach Jen K. :

of course it makes sense...because you are not there yet in your own journey

Coach Jen K. :

so it just says time to buckle down a bit more and work on healing yourself

Customer:

that's a trip to Maui, a hammock, a fruity drink and some reys

Coach Jen K. :

amen!

Coach Jen K. :

check out this self hypnosis..this guy is awesome! http://www.stevegjones.com/overcomecodependenceselfhypnosiscdmp3.htm

Customer:

I will... what's he about?

Coach Jen K. :

plug in, unwind and let his voice begin to heal. Truly great stuff...but you have to be open to letting yourself go a bit and taking it in

Coach Jen K. :

you can play a clip to hear it first

Customer:

I am... I do online mediation... I'm very about good energy, universal love and all the other stuff that gives us folks from So Calif that hippy rap

Coach Jen K. :

perfect then...right up your alley. so let the hippy in you heal yourself first then you can solve the issues with the world and others.

Coach Jen K. :

dont you deserve that???!!!!

Customer:

I do... every day is a day of choices, but first gratitude... I chose to be happy today after giving thanks for the chance to do so

Customer:

so I will chose to be deserving

Coach Jen K. :

I love to hear that....

Coach Jen K. :

even in this short conversation you have taken a step

Customer:

I had a hand from someone that cares enough to offer it

Customer:

for that, I'm thankful

Coach Jen K. :

and my hand is there when you need it.

Customer:

very sweet

Customer:

you're a Libra

Coach Jen K. :

so no airplanes or skydiving onto the lawn or any other grand gestures....just communicating your feelings but also caring for you first.

Coach Jen K. :

I am not but I am told that often.

Customer:

lol.. I bet.. Libra's are kind and are healers

Customer:

and listen to everyone's problems

Customer:

with a smile

Coach Jen K. :

oddly I am fire! :-)

Customer:

So how do I bookmark you or find you again?

Customer:

a fire sign??

Coach Jen K. :

if you eve want to chat again...at the beginning of your question put for CoachJenK only

Coach Jen K. :

yes a fire sign

Customer:

oh no... are you a Sag??

Coach Jen K. :

no

Coach Jen K. :

lol

Customer:

Leo?

Coach Jen K. :

no

Customer:

Aries

Coach Jen K. :

yes

Customer:

I don't know many Aries

Customer:

interesting

Customer:

I'm a Cap

Coach Jen K. :

good strong people who enjoy helping

Customer:

yeah and love the Container Store

Customer:

lol organization

Coach Jen K. :

ok so if you are a Cap then you are pragmatic and given that you need to view this in that way

Customer:

yeah I know I do

Coach Jen K. :

lol hate that store

Customer:

sorry for turning this into a chat/chat

Customer:

LOL... Baaadddddddddddddd Aries

Coach Jen K. :

its about you here no worries....this is helping you see how you can view things

Customer:

Ya know, the thing of it is, that talking about it helps

Coach Jen K. :

the pragmatist in you would never let yourself go on in a roller coaster kind of way and the aries in me isnt afraid to be direct with you about it!

Customer:

I know, but I just wanna help her so much... I love her

Customer:

and am sorry for her

Customer:

and my intuition says, "heal her"

Coach Jen K. :

I truly understand that and its not to say you still cant but it may not be in the way that you believe and it may be that your relationship isnt in the proper form for that to be...maybe it is more friendship and care rather than a love and romantic one. a cap needs mutuality and wants it!

Customer:

GOD that's the truth...

Customer:

That's the exact truth

Coach Jen K. :

so live your truth...you are not when you are giving over all the time!!!!!

Customer:

tell me I did a good job and I'm happy as a clam

Customer:

yes, Jen... BUT... I love her

Coach Jen K. :

yes I can hear that....but it doesnt stick and you need to do more and more to get that piece in you filled

Customer:

love is patient, kind, forgiving and all the other stuff St. Paul said

Coach Jen K. :

I am not saying you don't but there are different kinds of love

Customer:

We started as dear friends

Customer:

in fact, I tried to keep it celebate

Coach Jen K. :

and you are all those things....dont punish yourself. but you also cant keep giving to the detriment of the self

Customer:

I didn't wanna spoil things

Customer:

You sound like my therapist... let me ask you something (and this is not a leading question)... I assume you have someone that you love deeply in your life

Coach Jen K. :

yes

Customer:

what sacrifice wouldn't you make for him/her?????

Coach Jen K. :

love is about sacrifice but also balance....there are 3 things in a relationship that have needs...you, her and the relationship and if all needs arent being met then there is a problem

Coach Jen K. :

each aspect needs to be cared for yes it can vascillate but on balance all three things need to be nurtured

Customer:

Now your words resonate

Customer:

you're pretty good at this...

Coach Jen K. :

good

Coach Jen K. :

lol thank you. Glad my training and years in practice are making a difference. :-)

Customer:

him/her is pretty lucky...

Customer:

yes... actually, more than you know

Coach Jen K. :

and that makes my work and time with you fulfilling and mutual...see my point? we both are enhanced

Customer:

awwwwwwwww... such is balance

Coach Jen K. :

and neither one of us had to sacrifice who we are to get noticed

Customer:

SMILE

Customer:

nicely done

Coach Jen K. :

so take that with you as it is crucial for you to see and feel!

Coach Jen K. :

no planes with banners flying overhead just real communication and expression

Customer:

agreed

Coach Jen K. :

and THAT is life and balance

Customer:

I feel the warmth of the fire, Jen... thank you

Coach Jen K. :

Awesome.....you are a good and caring man and now it is time to turn some of that toward yourself and in doing so so many things will open up for you!

Customer:

I will...

Customer:

we will def chat again... this has been inspiring and a great time

Customer:

healing

Coach Jen K. :

I am here when you need....keep the healing going and reread this chat when you need the reminder

Customer:

we will chat again... in the mean time, don't waste that smile, go light up the world

Customer:

I will

Coach Jen K. :

many thanks. I wish you all wonderful things.

Customer:

oh... Google search "wabi sabi"... for some reason I think the concept might interest you

Coach Jen K. :

I will do that, thank you

Customer:

and I wish you the same... until next time

Customer:

have a great weekend

Coach Jen K. :

until next time. if you would be so kind to click on the rating tab to rate my work with you. I thanks you in advance

Customer:

You will get the huge smile

Coach Jen K. :

LOL

Coach Jen K. :

I love my broken english above...I thanks you

Coach Jen K. :

lol

Coach Jen K. :

I thank you!

Customer:

the pleasure is mine

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
Coach Jen K. and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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