Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
It sounds to me that she is trying to communicate something to you about her feeling sin the relationship but is having difficulty doing so.
If it is possible i would sit tight and wait things out a bit and see if she comes around.
should I cease all communication w/her?
Was there something that occurred right before the break up?
yes... we argued. she's pretty severe BPD and has threatened leaving me before
i would send her one more simple email saying that you desire to be with her and will do what it takes to make that happen but will take her lead on how she would like to proceed.
then my guess is once she calms down a bit she will want to reconcile. Is she getting treatment for her BPD?
I went back to the house the next day. she wouldn't make eye contact with me and wouldn't tell me to leave, she just left the home
are you comfortable to give her some time to work this out within herself?
I want to do what's best for her
I love her very much
You can also leave her a small gift...flowers, chocolate with a simple note that says I love you and am here for you when you are ready
and then I would leave it at that.
I would also suggest that she see someone to get evaluated
Is my continuing to give her attention keeping her at bay?
I dont want game playing but rather an open expression of what you desire and how you will be there for her but then taking a step back to let her process
I agree on game playing. I oversimplified things...and why is she opening and reopening my emails; sometimes 5 times? BTW thanks for this, I really appreciate your help.
it is my pleasure. why does she read them over and over? most likely because she loves you and has a hard time acknowledging her feelings and feeling bad for blowing up and reacting in this way.
if she remains untreated then this type of roller coaster will exist for her
IT's been a shocking experience for her. Many have told me to leave her, but it's hard for me to do that, knowing that abandonment is so frightening to her. I see the child in her and it's heart breaking.
yes and you are a very caring man but not at the expense of your own happiness and stability...that is important too
lol, welcome to the world of codependency (i'm getting treatment) but that's a chat for another time. So to summarize: 1. Give her a gift and tell her I will do whatever it takes to stand by her side 2. Let her process it for a bit 3. The email "obsession" may be from her love/regrets for blowing up and 4. Protect my happiness...??
yes and for the gift...simple...a gesture...a card, chocolate...nothing over the top.
all of your points above are right on.
and yes you must protect your heart, happiness and sense of self.
Yeah, I went over the top last time when I hired a plane with a banner to circle the house telling her I loved her...
it can easily get lost as you try to bend over backwards to please and make sure all is alright for her
TELL ME ABOUT IT
ok so lets just leave it at a card then!
lol... if you ever wanna impress a friend, try it
you cannot run yourself ragged her.
lol thanks for the tip
I know, but you know codependency... I run ragged for everyone
and the tip's on the house
but as you can see the bigger is not always the better because it cant keep her from blowing up...only proper evaluation and treatment can
yes so focus on you more...that is the most crucial from this conversation.
pay attention to you and stop allowing yourself to get lost in others
but I make me about her... you know the drill
But i'm getting help for that
good, i am glad.
Well your advice has been helpful and comforting and well articulated
I appreciate it
each time you feel that impulse stop and ask yourself is this about my insecurities and fears and worries? if so, then you can get a hold on it before you hire another plane
come to me anytime
Well my fear is being alone
but at what cost? to be with someone who isnt able to give back and give mutuality?
that IS being alone
and of course I have low self esteem even thought I'm financially very sound, in good shape, have a quick wit and am not hard on the eyes
yes but if you only believed all that
well that's the thing
and smart too my friend...I can hear it
I believe it, but I don't believe it makes a diff
if you believed it you would know that good qualities do make a difference
but sometimes the fit between the two is wrong
yeah... see here's the thing... I believe I'm supposed to heal her (OH GOD CALLING DR. FREUD)... so it's my place to sacrifice... it's the "right thing" to do
so maybe it is time to evaluate if this is the right relationship for YOU
Sadly none of us can heal another...we can love but unless they want things to feel different for themselves there is no healing and that is the same for you
I've walked out on her a number of times... I swear I won't come back... I even admonished myself on my Iphone video "Stay the f--k away!!!" but two days later, I'm back
if you want to heal this codependency then you must do the work
yes because of your need to fix and heal her but that doesnt fix you...it only perpetuates the cycle
if you put yourself first then you can begin to heal you
Coach Jen, your words make perfect sense... but they don't resonate... do you know what I mean? My brain says "heck yeah" but my heart says "heal the little abandon girl"
of course it makes sense...because you are not there yet in your own journey
so it just says time to buckle down a bit more and work on healing yourself
that's a trip to Maui, a hammock, a fruity drink and some reys
check out this self hypnosis..this guy is awesome! http://www.stevegjones.com/overcomecodependenceselfhypnosiscdmp3.htm
I will... what's he about?
plug in, unwind and let his voice begin to heal. Truly great stuff...but you have to be open to letting yourself go a bit and taking it in
you can play a clip to hear it first
I am... I do online mediation... I'm very about good energy, universal love and all the other stuff that gives us folks from So Calif that hippy rap
perfect then...right up your alley. so let the hippy in you heal yourself first then you can solve the issues with the world and others.
dont you deserve that???!!!!
I do... every day is a day of choices, but first gratitude... I chose to be happy today after giving thanks for the chance to do so
so I will chose to be deserving
I love to hear that....
even in this short conversation you have taken a step
I had a hand from someone that cares enough to offer it
for that, I'm thankful
and my hand is there when you need it.
you're a Libra
so no airplanes or skydiving onto the lawn or any other grand gestures....just communicating your feelings but also caring for you first.
I am not but I am told that often.
lol.. I bet.. Libra's are kind and are healers
and listen to everyone's problems
with a smile
oddly I am fire! :-)
So how do I bookmark you or find you again?
a fire sign??
if you eve want to chat again...at the beginning of your question put for CoachJenK only
yes a fire sign
oh no... are you a Sag??
I don't know many Aries
I'm a Cap
good strong people who enjoy helping
yeah and love the Container Store
ok so if you are a Cap then you are pragmatic and given that you need to view this in that way
yeah I know I do
lol hate that store
sorry for turning this into a chat/chat
LOL... Baaadddddddddddddd Aries
its about you here no worries....this is helping you see how you can view things
Ya know, the thing of it is, that talking about it helps
the pragmatist in you would never let yourself go on in a roller coaster kind of way and the aries in me isnt afraid to be direct with you about it!
I know, but I just wanna help her so much... I love her
and am sorry for her
and my intuition says, "heal her"
I truly understand that and its not to say you still cant but it may not be in the way that you believe and it may be that your relationship isnt in the proper form for that to be...maybe it is more friendship and care rather than a love and romantic one. a cap needs mutuality and wants it!
GOD that's the truth...
That's the exact truth
so live your truth...you are not when you are giving over all the time!!!!!
tell me I did a good job and I'm happy as a clam
yes, Jen... BUT... I love her
yes I can hear that....but it doesnt stick and you need to do more and more to get that piece in you filled
love is patient, kind, forgiving and all the other stuff St. Paul said
I am not saying you don't but there are different kinds of love
We started as dear friends
in fact, I tried to keep it celebate
and you are all those things....dont punish yourself. but you also cant keep giving to the detriment of the self
I didn't wanna spoil things
You sound like my therapist... let me ask you something (and this is not a leading question)... I assume you have someone that you love deeply in your life
what sacrifice wouldn't you make for him/her?????
love is about sacrifice but also balance....there are 3 things in a relationship that have needs...you, her and the relationship and if all needs arent being met then there is a problem
each aspect needs to be cared for yes it can vascillate but on balance all three things need to be nurtured
Now your words resonate
you're pretty good at this...
lol thank you. Glad my training and years in practice are making a difference. :-)
him/her is pretty lucky...
yes... actually, more than you know
and that makes my work and time with you fulfilling and mutual...see my point? we both are enhanced
awwwwwwwww... such is balance
and neither one of us had to sacrifice who we are to get noticed
so take that with you as it is crucial for you to see and feel!
no planes with banners flying overhead just real communication and expression
and THAT is life and balance
I feel the warmth of the fire, Jen... thank you
Awesome.....you are a good and caring man and now it is time to turn some of that toward yourself and in doing so so many things will open up for you!
we will def chat again... this has been inspiring and a great time
I am here when you need....keep the healing going and reread this chat when you need the reminder
we will chat again... in the mean time, don't waste that smile, go light up the world
many thanks. I wish you all wonderful things.
oh... Google search "wabi sabi"... for some reason I think the concept might interest you
I will do that, thank you
and I wish you the same... until next time
have a great weekend
until next time. if you would be so kind to click on the rating tab to rate my work with you. I thanks you in advance
You will get the huge smile
I love my broken english above...I thanks you
I thank you!
the pleasure is mine