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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5427
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Anxious & Peru

Resolved Question:

Anxious & Peru
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 12 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

How are you?

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

Very VERY anxious

Customer:

I text her this evening and say see you after school and she say

Dr. Z :

Oh no, what happened?

Customer:

she was going to run some errands and should be back by then,,

Customer:

so I say ok

Customer:

later I txt You home and she say nope not yet

Customer:

I say ok just got dn with work let me know when your on your way hm so I candrive there

Customer:

her txt reads " Go ahed and go hm or waterver. then Ill msg later"

Customer:

I say ok

Customer:

and Havent heard from her

Customer:

I reply "??"

Customer:

nothing

Customer:

call her and nothing

Customer:

Im very anxious and want to go to her place

Customer:

My negative thought is that she is probably at a Date.. maybe?

Dr. Z :

Do not go to her place, that will not be good for you

Customer:

Today I pour my heart to her on the phone man

Dr. Z :

Maybe she had a tough day and she is just being irritable with you

Customer:

by txt and I call her and told her

Customer:

well Dude.. shes not txt

Customer:

or answer

Customer:

Come on.. I feel Im being played here

Dr. Z :

I know you are, but what would happen if you go to her place?

Customer:

at least I know shes there and ask her if she say I called.. I can tell her I was worry cause she dint answer

Customer:

dude I feel im being played here

Customer:

seems like a excuse to not see me

Customer:

shes probably going to say.. "I pass out"

Dr. Z :

What if she did "pass out" and you go over and it makes things worse?

Customer:

At least I can see if her car is there

Customer:

help me out man..

Customer:

really..

Customer:

I feel im being played here

Customer:

do you see where im coming from?

Dr. Z :

I know you feel that way, but what are other alternative theories for her behavior?

Customer:

she was supposed to ran errands .. shes been doing that since .. 5? its 9 man

Customer:

that she does not want to be with me..

Dr. Z :

Or that she passed out. Do not forget that one

Dr. Z :

She does it very often these days

Customer:

I told her this week that .. we have a rough month but I care and love her a lot, and that this rough month was going to make our relationship stronger

Customer:

she say

Customer:

the rough patch was hard but trying to move past it

Customer:

what does that mean to you?

Customer:

I feel Im being played here.. honestly.. I feel shes probably with someone? what else can it be? she has a excuse not to see me aperantly?

Dr. Z :

Well it sounds like she wants to make it work with you still and wants to continue the relationship and forget about the "rough patch"

Customer:

how can I asked her that

Dr. Z :

If you ask her that, she will think you are jealous and it will cause a fight between you two.

Customer:

she also she def this job isent helping out schedules sry

Customer:

well dude.. come on..

Customer:

what else can I say? remember the Huge red flag

Customer:

no sex for going to 3 mts

Dr. Z :

I understand your concern, and do not forget what your therapist said that we do not believe that she is cheating on you, but we also do not think this is the best relationship for you because of your anxiety and insecurity issues too

Customer:

I mean should I txt her and say not cool? dude I feel she probably w someone else

Dr. Z :

I think you would do better in a relationship with someone is present more often for you

Dr. Z :

I think if you text her again, it will look you are needy and that will not be good for you

Customer:

dude.. I don't think I will be able to sleep

Customer:

what can I say to her?
"hey what happened last night?"

Customer:

wait till she txt?
you tink she will..
she say she was going to ..that was 3 hrs ago

Dr. Z :

She will text you and apologize and say that she passed out most likely

Customer:

Dude.. im shaky haha

Customer:

seriously Dr Z you see where im coming from with my concerns tonight?

Dr. Z :

That is just the anxiety and you are focusing on the negative here.

Customer:

should I tell her how is she making me feel ?

Dr. Z :

I understand where you are coming from, but also she has done this before and it just turns out that she passed out at home

Customer:

well can I go and see if her car is there ..

Dr. Z :

I would not tell her how you feel until after a few therapy sessions to go over it with your therapist

Customer:

should I go and see if her car is there??

Dr. Z :

No do not do that. It will reinforce your insecurity issues and then you will always do that

Customer:

U see why I feel im being played? "
Long time ago she told me when she does not want someone she just stop communication and basically sex

Dr. Z :

I can see that. So my question is since you are not happy in this relationship how come you do not break-up with her if she makes you feel this way?

Customer:

I say to her today " I want you to know I really care about you, love you and miss u even after the rought times this past moth, this is going to make our relationship grow stronger .you made me complete and I hope I dpo too" and the she only answer me with the rough path thing

Customer:

Dr Z I don't know.. I love her

Customer:

I really want to go there

Customer:

I have lost weigh man.. everyone tells me im skinny and I blame it on the gym..witch I haven't gone

Dr. Z :

I know you want to go there, but it will not help you

Customer:

I mean if shes saying that our schedules are not the best.. why can tonight she made the effort to make it work?

Dr. Z :

Trust me, if you go there tonight and see her car, how will that help you? She is still not having sex with you and she is still not answering your texts

Customer:

I got my new place keys and I got her a extra set for her..

Customer:

I can confront her why she dint answer..
if her can is not there I can asked her what happened , we where supposed to meet tonight

Dr. Z :

And do you think confronting her would be good, especially if she has another headache?

Customer:

what MI supposed to do?

Customer:

she txt me last at 6

Customer:

is 926

Customer:

shes still running errands??

Dr. Z :

You have to distract yourself and focus on objective theories that maybe she just fell asleep, like she has done numerous times in the last few weeks.

Customer:

you know my history well by now.. your always right on the Dot..

Customer:

do you think she is avoiding me?

Customer:

..

Dr. Z :

I do not think so because she still makes an effort to contact you and say that she loves you, but she gets very irritable with you because of her medical issues

Dr. Z :

And this is what I think that is. You can tell her that you do not appreciate being her "pinching bag" when she is irritable though

Customer:

I did not like what she say today at all.. "go ahed and head hm or whatever"

Customer:

I did not like that at all.. I had a bad feeling as soon I read that

Dr. Z :

Yeah I think that was mean

Customer:

dude.. I really want to go there

Customer:

im not going to be able to sleep/.super anxious and tomorrow will be too.
I might be wrong she migh pass out, but what is her car Is not there?

Customer:

sounds to me like she had plans already this evening

Dr. Z :

I think going there will be a mistake, but you are an adult and it is your decision

Customer:

ok.
Does it sound to you like she had plans already?

Customer:

besides errands?

Dr. Z :

No, then I think she would have told you. She says she does not lie to you

Customer:

or do she?

Customer:

does*

Customer:

just my bad pass man, this is where everything triggers.. this behavious

Customer:

I think If she would had wanted to see me she would had made the effort to txt.. im home or im driving home

Dr. Z :

If you love her, you have to trust her. If you do not trust her then why are you with her?

Customer:

that's what im trying to do Dr Z trust her.. and don't do this things like go there or get in a heated argument.. Match was a huge red flag.. Oviusly I hvnt let that one go.. because it triggers that.

Customer:

and lisend.. I think if this does not work between me and her my next relationship will be the same problem.. because of me

Dr. Z :

I think so too, but I also do not want you to have a heart attack at 33 because of your anxiety from this too, lol

Customer:

haha

Customer:

I just called her man.. no answer

Dr. Z :

Even though I told you not to call

Customer:

what can I "comprehensive, supportive Boyfriend" write on a txt

Dr. Z :

This will not help you, she has to come to you

Dr. Z :

Do not write anything! You texted and called, that is enough right there. Now it is her turn

Customer:

hey man..

Customer:

im goint to try to sleep.

Customer:

this is a lot for me right now.

Dr. Z :

I know it is, try to think objectively and positively and know that she has done this before and it was nothing.

Dr. Z :

She says she loves you and you say you love her, remember and focus on that.

Customer:

ok.

Customer:

alright man.
thanks.. I will try to rest

Customer:

one last thing

Dr. Z :

You will get through this night, trust yourself and trust her

Customer:

what do I say tomorrow.? how should I approach this?

Dr. Z :

Let her contact you first and most likely she will say her headache made her pass out and then you can just ask her "are you okay and feeling better?"

Customer:

how its that supposed to help me?

Customer:

lol

Customer:

she works tomorrow night

Customer:

I wont see her

Customer:

anyways until probably sat

Customer:

should I be honest with her and tell her how this incident made me feel?

Dr. Z :

It will just show that you were not bothered by last night and thinking that she is cheating on you because that will just push her away

Customer:

but what do I say? I do I justify me calling twice and txt

Customer:

make sense.. because if she has seen the txt or the call she will be... this guys does not leave me alone!

Customer:

that's what I think.. make sense?

Dr. Z :

Do not bring it up, if she asks you can just say that you were concerned and if she needed anything for her headaches.

Customer:

is it valid that I ask her,.. " where this is going?" " how does she feel about the relationship"

Customer:

I have the feeling that she can be doing all this shit.. and basically me not question her or say anything about this,..
how will she feel if I do this to her/:????

Dr. Z :

Do that in person first and ask your therapist about it to get some pointers and maybe role play it out with your therapist

Customer:

I wish I was Monday tomorro

Customer:

here is what my mind is trigering

Customer:

If I go.. her car is not there, I wait for her and aske her WThell

Dr. Z :

Yeah if you do that, then most likely the relationship will be over tonight and that will not help you

Customer:

because this is what My mind triggers... sorry I might be repeating my self here

Customer:

I feel shes pushing me away...
can I say that to her?

Dr. Z :

I know and you are focused on the negative thoughts. But she said she is pushing you away because she is irritable and does not want to fight with you

Customer:

honestly... I feel shes pushing me away

Customer:

alright.. im gonna try to sleep man.. and focus on the positive..
Dr Z when you have couples on with the same issue I have.. when do you say Or think.. that its too mutch and the signs are obious?

Dr. Z :

Well it is difficult because I am not hearing from her side and I think she is not communicating well with you, I will agree with you on that.

Dr. Z :

But these communication and trust issues are somewhat common

Customer:

man.right now I think shes doing another dude..

Dr. Z :

Well if that is what you think, then break up with her. But since you have not broken up with her, then there is still a piece of you that thinks this is your anxiety and trust issues.

Customer:

when you say "somewhat common" is my case in that criteria or ... well outline

Dr. Z :

Like I said its hard to tell because I need to hear her side of the story, so right now I am only getting half the puzzle here.

Dr. Z :

Communication issues are very common though, but her not asking for help more with her medical issues is somewhat common with very prideful and independent women

Customer:

but what will be some of the tings you will know that she does not want to be with me?

Customer:

... Let me refrase that

Customer:

What will be some of the things you will hear from couples when the iother person does not want to be with the other? Behaviors? because if you asked me.. theres a few red flags in my book, don't you think?

Customer:

or is this me focvusing on the negative

Customer:

basically... from what I told you you think this is the case?

Dr. Z :

I think this is you focusing on the negative. But usually couples that are not right for each other are the ones that do not want to say they love the other person or feel resentment/ambivalence being with the other person.

Dr. Z :

Other warning signs are days without a meaningful conversation too

Dr. Z :

But I want to reiterate that does not seem to be the case with you and her.

Customer:

what made you think that?

Dr. Z :

Think of what?

Customer:

that this is not the case btween me and her

Dr. Z :

Because I feel that her medical issues are a chief reason why you and her are not spending as much time with each other as you would like. I think that can be corrected because I think you just want to be there in the same room with her and physically close with her, but she feels that you just want sex, which is one reason why she is closing you out when she has those medical issues. I think in time when she starts to believe that you have changed, she will know that sex is not all you want and that you want to spend time with her.

Customer:

that is excacly what I want.. be with her

Customer:

I feel comfortable.. my concerns etc banish

Customer:

and yea I wan to get some.. but I understand that too

Dr. Z :

I know and you will have to figure out a way to communicate that to her because she just thinks you want sex and when she is not in the mood then you have a fight, this is her perception

Customer:

yeah..

Customer:

question for you.
are you interested in see me in person?
don't want to freak you out or anything. its just that we have this conversations for a while now.

Dr. Z :

Well of course I would definitely take you on as a patient in person, but there are two issues that prevent this unfortunately. One is that I am not allowed by this website to give my contact information and personal identifiable information. And the second issue is that usually my referrals are mandated by the state or county.

Customer:

what state?

Dr. Z :

California

Customer:

not even email?

Customer:

for the info

Dr. Z :

I know I cannot even give my email address out (business or personal). Here is exactly what they say on the website here. No. It is against the Terms of Service to share your personal contact information, address, private email address, links to personal stores, personal blogs, their own websites, or any other identifying information with anyone (Customers and Experts) on the site. Experts should not list their email addresses, their own websites or any other personally identifying information in any answer, signature line, profile or anywhere else.

Customer:

got it

Dr. Z :

I wish it was different, but I am obligated to follow the rules on the website if I want to continue working here

Dr. Z :

Sorry :(

Customer:

just a thought that It will be nice to chat and meet. like I did with my new therapist.

Dr. Z :

I know and I am not personally opposed to the idea, but the websites rules do not permit this actually

Customer:

Understand.I feel you have some last words to tell me before I go to sleep..

Customer:

:)

Dr. Z :

Well just remember that this is a woman you love and trust and she is not like your past girlfriend that cheated and hurt you. Also when you confronted her about possible cheating because of your anxiety and fears then it hurt your relationship and it turned out she was not cheating on you. Put your trust in her

Dr. Z :

And get some sleep tonight too :)

Customer:

my eyes got watery man

Customer:

going to bed. night
God Bless you.
on a positive note im going to sleep and did not went there

Dr. Z :

Good for you, I am proud of you. God bless and sleep well :)

Customer:

thanks!

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5427
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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