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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5188
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Hi, My partner of 6 years had a one night stand 2 years

Resolved Question:

Hi,

My partner of 6 years had a one night stand 2 years ago and I decided to forgive him and move on. I had also developed feelings for someone else so we were both in the wrong. I have massive trust issues and always have. My dad cheated, my two long term relationships before this and now my current partner.

We had some counselling when it happened and I would say in general our relationship in some ways was better after the cheating incident. BUT the real issue and the thing that is tearing us apart is my trust issues. He has started a new job and wants to go out drinking once a week with his team as he works in media and they all go out together regularly. This has been causing problems as the night that he does go out I feel so overwhelmed with fear that I can't breathe. Also the one night stand that he did have was in his last job with someone from work.

I know I can't stop him going out as you can't control someone but he has now told me that he wants to do a weekend away (all paid for by work) with his boss and a media owner. I am devastated, panicky and I told him he can't go. He told me he will never marry me until there is trust. Do I need to let him go and the more I pretend to trust the more I will?

I can't keep living in fear and anxiety.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Customer: Hi
Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having these trust issues with your partner, but they are understandable giving your history with your past relationships, this current one, and your father.

Dr. Z :

Before your partner's cheating incident, did you have trust issues as well?

Customer: Yes I have always had trust issues since my Dad
Dr. Z :

Okay, so your partner's depression just reinforced your trust issues and possible insecurity, which again is understandable.

Dr. Z :

I think if you end this relationship, you will just continue to have trust issues with your next partner, so ending it is not a good solution

Dr. Z :

I would like to recommend the use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help with this anxiety over your trust issues. CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

This is the most evidence based therapy to help you think more objectively and not negatively, so you can learn to trust again

Dr. Z :

Would you like me to recommend some good CBT techniques and books for you?

Customer: Yes I think that's a good idea. I would like to work in my individual issues as I think with a new partner I would still be controlling and it would be the same. I in a way have been lucky with how patient my other half has been
Customer: Yes techniques would be good or even anyone I could see in London
Dr. Z :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

Dr. Z :

In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping lessen anxiety symptoms. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.

Dr. Z :

Also individuals with severe anxiety have a poor coping mechanism, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better.

Customer: Ok thanks. And I need to do this every day?
Dr. Z :

In addition these books can be helpful too

Dr. Z :

Yes you should do them daily to help them be more ingrained in your mind

Customer: And this is enough or do I need to see someone in person?
Dr. Z :

Right now you are trying to retrain your brain to think more objectively and not as negatively

Dr. Z :

Seeing a CBT therapist in your area would be the most ideal as they can work with you on these techniques, but if you do not feel comfortable then you can just practice these techniques in the books and the ones I gave you in the links

Customer: And if I do think some things seem amiss with my other halves behaviour I can tell him or should I Be more considered before I go for it?
Customer: Ok
Dr. Z :

Here is a good way to find a CBT therapist as well in the UK

Dr. Z :

You can tell him, but try not to dwell on it. Also let him know about these techniques and he can try to reassure you and put more objective thoughts in your mind as well

Dr. Z :

He can be a support for you through this treatment

Customer: Ok and I shouldn't stop him doing things he wants to do right? As that's not healthy i imagine?
Dr. Z :

Yes you should not stop him doing these things, just like he should not stop you either.

Customer: He doesn't stop me and wouldn't dream of it. I always like to be in control and also have a desire to control what he does. Which I know is bad
Dr. Z :

Yes controlling is a sign that you are jealous and do have trust issues, so you try to control him to cope with these issues, but that will just push him away. Once the CBT techniques start to take hold and you trust more, you will notice that you will not feel compelled to control him as much

Customer: Ok thanks
Dr. Z :

Anytime, Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer: No, that's great. Thanks
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5188
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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