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I believe that I can help you with this situation
You have had a very rough time and cannot bear to continue this whay.
Why do you?
What would you like to see in your life in the future?
You have told a most amazing story and I could feel the gripping drama of your life.
Don't you think that he is controlling you? He certainly does not treat you with trust.
You have both been having a wild ride with this relationship. Is there any way you can see things changing?
I believe he was controlling, we both have issues. I hated it, but in turn i liked the security of it?? When it was good it was SOOO good. I was single along time and dont have much family my friends and drinking buds were my family, i told him that, i also attend alot of concerts, gave up many to be with him.
Why were you in the 72 hour hold?
i have now realized i would rather be home and happy with him than in the bars. i am willing to give this up. i have sat home or been with him, every night for 3 weeks.
Wow. That seems like a big change of pace - and real progress. You may not keep it up 100% of the time, but your are moving in the right direction.
Fond du lac mental health facilty - im ex law enforcement, im used to drinking for stress relief.. i also have many issues with him always packing to leave when shit got bad, i had custody of my brother when he was 15 from my mother ( a whole nother story she abandoned us for an abusive man, my dad ignored me for his wife when i was younger. i had no stability or real love shown to me with my mother , she was quite abusive.
Do you have anger issues?
i know now, that alcohol isnt an awswer and have been telling him that now that he seems to be doing the same thing. i break out into alot of stuff i never would do or act that way sober
Only anger comes out when set off when drinking, maybe its because i do maintain and keep so much in while im sober - it boils under a tight lid
So are you getting it under control? It takes will power but you seem to be mighty tough.
Do you get angry when you feel you are being abandoned in some way?
yes, in some ways sober but i control it... but add alcohol and i can say some damn mean things... which i have said to him and now he holds againest me.
Do you ever injure yourself (like by cutting) or did you use to?
no ive never threatened suicide before him, I've never cut or hurt myself in any way. I have always strived to be a better person than my mother, i went to school was an officer - worked in law enforcement for 15 years, i actually was a transpot person that would take peole to the facilities for 72 hour holds, and take them to court etc... imagine my embarrasment having my old department chi[ me off thank god they let me out before i had to go in front of the judge and the dh's dept that i used to work daily with. I cant go to them for help --- they all know me. and im a cosmetologist now and cant afford real therapy.
closest coming to self abuse was driving like an idiout while drinking, which i dont do anymore.
Than goodness for that.
So what is your primary goal right now. Even if you can't afford therapy (I couldn't either - ha), you can still get great help form certain workbooks that come pretty close to having a therapist sitting on your coffee table.
What would you like to work on first?
im following the text your ex back by michael fire, and reading alot of claire casey.
Are they helping?
i want to be able to build a new stronger relationship with him, i dont know where to start, i have anger issues from my childhood i know that, i have taken psych classes for my degree. i just always thought i had them under control until i started drinking more
Try this workbook. It is GREAT.
And I would like to recommend the absolutely best all-time book on relationships. No other book comes close:
That will keep you busy and out of trouble for a little while.
There two books have so much wisdom in them. I'm sure you would appreciate them.
humm im actually thinking i have the marriage one, from my marriage that ended in divorce 3 years ago - we grew apart, but there were support issues too - always felt he abandoned me when he didnt know how to help me deal with my 17 yo daughters pregnancy,
he was a great guy, just as "a" is, not controlling loved me blindly and i realized it to late. we are "friends" still stuck owning a house together, not living he has a girlfriend and is happy he deserves it.
It's supposed to be for better or for worse. Hopefully this time you can heal things and learn how to cool down your temper. You seem to be a very amazing person and can add this to your academic accomplishments. What are you studying at school now?
i actually graduated cosmetology school with a 97 % just passed my state boards and am working at a wonderful salon for a very artistic understanding and wonderful boss.!
So you will have to be looking and acting your best. That will keep you somewhat calmed down.
thank yo so much this is helping- alot of things i hold in from my childhood and should write a lifetime movie about it! But just getting it out and having someone neutral have insight is helping a lil
yes always have had to present myself in the utmost sain and proper manner in law enforcement too - nobody i met or meet now knows i actually have issues! I keep alot in check
You are responding an a way that children who were abused an neglected often do, with great anger and some reckless behavior, but you seem to be making real progress.
You'd be amazed at how many people do the same thing. NOBODY knows what goes on behind closed "doors".
yes but i reverted with "A' i love him and know he is my soulmate by the way we clicked, then all that anger got built up and comes out in reponse to his controlling when drinking... he said he would fight, and when it was over keep fighting... he told that to my roommate. Now that i have realized how dumb i was, now he holds all the stupid crap i said to hurt him back and says hes confused and doesnt want to get hurt by me because he suffered so much in those 2 months and i didnt care... i cared, i just took myself away from it, i didnt want to go back because of pity for him... now he doesnt know if he wants this relationship and keeps bringing up things i said, im paying for stuff over and over, and if i bring up anything he did worng in my eyes in the relationship it the "all his fault" i told him i have seen and read and actually know couple who have been through worse - divorce cheating, etc and they are living happily ever after, i told him i always wondered how they did it, and now i WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER! because now im fighting to keep this relationship
The best way you both can make a new start is to pledge to each other that you will forgive all past misdeeds and vow never to discuss them again. Instead you will concentrate on making every moment of the present to be positive and kind and loving and supportive with no negativity or meanness, and absolutely no more discussions of the past. That is the best and perhaps oly way to move forward successfully.
he still sends me my "good morning beautiful" text every day... i stayed by him and his boys last night ( no sex) and i told him about reading alot of relationship therapy, and that i was told we need to consider the old relationship dead, build a new stronger one. i think hes still hung up on the past, and needs to forgive as i have.. he said he's confused as to why i am the one wanting what he wanted before, he sent a good morning beautiful thanks for yesterday ( picked corn intractor with him for 3 hours feeding him fruti n veggies ) and last night, I love you. text this morning. he says hes scared and confused one minute and hugs and touches my face and says i love you the next.... i just keep saying we dont need to jump rightback into it, but take it day by day to start.
Awwww. That sounds so sweet. I think that you and I are on the same page when it comes to what needs to be done to make this work. Out with the old and in with the new.
I live in the country too and know all about tractoring and picking corn.
and i told him no thank you i always enjoyed riding in the tractor and helping him with the farm. as much as he is drained by that and work its an old family farm and he lost his dad 2 years ago, so he keeps losing sleep and working at it. He always liked that i liked the farm said his ex never did a thing with it til she wanted her 50% of his 50%
There are a lot of people who want what's not rightfully theirs.
do i believe hes confused, how can he say he loves me one minute and say i dont know the next, i take it as a good sign that he lets me go spend time when the boys are there.. some friends say watch it hes using you, but would he let his kids get involed that way? i dont think so, they had seperation issues when i wasnt around for 2 monthsespecially his youngest, and hed tell me austin would ask about me and he (A) would start to cry... I'm
He's very emotional and high strung. When he gets that way you just have to chill out and don't respond to him. Don't let him push your buttons, and certainly don't push his. You are the stronger one and you will have to take the lead..
oh yeah she was a peach , and i never asked or accepted a lot of gifts etc because i wanted to prove to him i wasnt there for his money, id sign a prenup and never take it if we got married, i will inherit alot from my father, (whom relationship is mended as we got older, he's alone and 66 and says he loves me every time i see him, im an only child and love my dad, and have to take care of him)
You are good for him. You may have to remind him once in a while, but very gently.
they used to fight and bitch in front of the kids - i helped him see that that was stupid and unfair to the kids - my ex and i always get along our child is the most important not revenge
It seems that if you can follow your own wisdom then you will succeed.
in some of those fights, she would say good luck with his controlling ass to me ... of course in my anger i would tell him maybe she was right - yep that nasty when alcohol added and i get hurt
But you are older and wiser now and know better.
im fighting it, i have wanted to just go get drunk to forget the pain when he tells me he doesnt know - is confused.... but i know if i trip up he will use that as an excuse
So find a better means of dealing with the pain.
Punching a pillow (in private, of course) is effective.
Getting and using that anger management book will also help.
i do deflect anger, cooking cleaning etc
That is the best way.
You seem to have a mentally healthy approach - but is those moments of stress overload that you have to apply a circuit breaker and the bottle will always let you down, but a pillow is made out of down and punching it will just fluff it up.
and i gained weight while in the relationship ( another self anger i think - my mom was big ) so i started to exercise again
You just need a healthy anger management tool.
Eating is the same as drinking and so you don't want to comfort yourself that way.
Exercising also produces endorphins which make you happier.
You are very close to succeeding. You must try to keep yourself in check. I know we all slip some time, but the movement seems to be positive.
yes i can see that, and know it... i have propsed to him to come walk with me in the mornings instead of going to the bar! I have told him answers arent in the bottom of a bottle, i do know that from experience. i dont drink daily, was just a social 1-2 times a week drinker, but the binging has cought up with me and the black outs where i operate on auto pilot are truly scary and i dont want to be there anymore.. altho i would like a social drink eventually... just need to follow my own advice and stay away for now
Be strong and do it. I shall keep you in my prayers.
i know, im trying i am wise enough most times to know the difference. Im a caretaker by nature... always feeling i need to take care of everyone else. SOmetimes it gets to be too much and i need to escape - escaping to alcohol was easy, my friends were fun and let me be me and just forget things.
Well, that is in the past. Make a pledge to yourself right now that you will come as close to quitting as possible. You need to break the habit.
Thank you so much im sure your tired of me - apparently i can go on and on.... i havent even gotten to alot of my childhood issues like i said lifetime movie... but ive always had to be the strong one, so kept it inside... and dont normally open up to any docs or psych stuff ... my daughters bipolar diagnosed in 6th grade ive delt with enough of them but mainly just pertinent to her and the anxity she used to give me
Well it has been two hours but the company was great. I hope that I helped you to vent and gave you the encouragement that you deserve and needed.
I shall keep you in my prayers and hope that you succeed.
thank you im on amazon now even if my relationship doesnt succeed i know i need to work things out with myself in order to move on, continue to be a great parent to my son and someday be happily ever after
thank you, XXXXX XXXXX to reading text your ex back with micheal fire! im trying! trying like ive never tried before
May God give you a joyful relationship and heal all things in the past.