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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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i recently spent two days on a 72 hour mental hold - it made

Customer Question

i recently spent two days on a 72 hour mental hold - it made me think. The reason i landed there is complicated.. Here goes, I meet and fell in love with "A" jan of 2012. We met after work ( we both worked 3rd shift at the time) in a local bar. it turned out he was my childhood neighbors cousin. I hadnt seen him in approx 20 years. SO the first day we got friendly and agreed to meet at the bar across the street for breakfast the next day.
Fast fwd, we were instantly in love and attracted to each other. We spend every waking moment ( think 3rd shift hours, him finishing up a 2 year messy divorce, which i help him thru as best i could < he has his boys on tuesday nights and wed til 730 - works at 930 and every other weekend) He was always wonderfully supportive, but within a few months, when i started getting more weekends off than him and would go out with my friends while he was working. He got very jealous, gave me alot of guilt trips, always saying i know how horny you get when your drunk and you have black outs so whos to say your not gonna go home with someone else.... no it never crossed my mind. Eventually i ended up with a drunk driving, which i didnt hear the end of. I also lost my full time 3rd shift job, i spend every minute of every day i could with him. He not only has a 3rd shift job and his boys, he has a beef farm he shares with his brother, whom works 3rd shift and expects him to stay up after work and do chores, farm fields etc on the brothers schedule.
After a couple months i went back to school full time in a city 40 minutes east of my home, and i live 25 minutes east of his home. I enjoyed school immensely and didnt mind the hour drive to spend time with him on his off nights with his boys - leaving my own 13 yo son home with my roommates. In the summer he would go with me sometimes, but there was not enough beds and room for a basically only child whose not used to 2 younger boys and my son wasnt always interested in going.
I sometimes would get and be tired after school somedays and just want to be at my home. If i didnt go by him, he would throw a fit and accuse me of going out to the bars. any time i wanted to go out with my friends he was always pissed and be mad at me, i would have to go beeging and pleading for him to not be mad at me. Many of my friends, would say he had controlling behavior and i started to rebel againest it. going out on some nights he had to work and not telling him. Not always, but i felt i needed my sense of freedom. Just because he would work weekends didnt mean i had to sit home... In june of the first year together i realized i was pregnant, we went thru alot of talking with that, me being 41 and having a health risk and him very emotional because his youngest son had a stroke at the babysitters at 9 months old, he cried and explained how he swore he never wanted to deal with that fear again. even tho i never believed in abortion, i made the arrangements and he supported me the whole procedure.
eventually i started watching his boys the weekends he had them and had to work.... he seems happy with that...to me it seemed because then he knew where is was. Eventually i got resentful, he would be so short on sleep trying to work and spend time with his boys and me... he would take things out on me and i would feel used and hurt if he left for work without so much as a goodbye to me. I forgave it alot of the time, because i knew i wasnt getting proper sleep. But it wore on me a lot.
In the beginning of the relationship he would come cook me breakfast after work, send me roses on our anniversary - adding one rose for each month.... after 9 months those things seemed to fade. I always got my good morning beautiful text, and i would always send him a have a good night at work text. even if we were "mad" at each other.
I always tried to take care of his every need.
towards the end of my year of school i got tired and frustrated, i had been working my butt off my roomates were constatnly screwing me over money wise, my mortgage is outrageous and id spent alot of my own divorce settlement supporting every one else. He was always supportive and listened to me.
I think that aborted baby was always in the back of my mind and i started getting emotional, especially when drinking, we would fight if we were out together, if i was talking to someone other than him, he would threaten to just go home, etc couple of occasions we would leave and he would drive me home and just take off saying he was going home. More than a few times he would grab all his clothing left at my house, pack it in his car and take off. on occasion i would tell him to do so, because of the anger - i believe it was alot of small anger, that built up and would come out when i was drinking.
Constantly being told by my friends that he was controlling me i began to believe it myself ... spending many nights after he packed his stuff and left crying my eyes out.
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 12 months ago.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help you with this situation

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have had a very rough time and cannot bear to continue this whay.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Why do you?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What would you like to see in your life in the future?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have told a most amazing story and I could feel the gripping drama of your life.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Don't you think that he is controlling you? He certainly does not treat you with trust.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You have both been having a wild ride with this relationship. Is there any way you can see things changing?

Customer:

I believe he was controlling, we both have issues. I hated it, but in turn i liked the security of it?? When it was good it was SOOO good. I was single along time and dont have much family my friends and drinking buds were my family, i told him that, i also attend alot of concerts, gave up many to be with him.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Why were you in the 72 hour hold?

Customer:

i have now realized i would rather be home and happy with him than in the bars. i am willing to give this up. i have sat home or been with him, every night for 3 weeks.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Wow. That seems like a big change of pace - and real progress. You may not keep it up 100% of the time, but your are moving in the right direction.

Customer:

Fond du lac mental health facilty - im ex law enforcement, im used to drinking for stress relief.. i also have many issues with him always packing to leave when shit got bad, i had custody of my brother when he was 15 from my mother ( a whole nother story she abandoned us for an abusive man, my dad ignored me for his wife when i was younger. i had no stability or real love shown to me with my mother , she was quite abusive.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you have anger issues?

Customer:

i know now, that alcohol isnt an awswer and have been telling him that now that he seems to be doing the same thing. i break out into alot of stuff i never would do or act that way sober

Customer:

Only anger comes out when set off when drinking, maybe its because i do maintain and keep so much in while im sober - it boils under a tight lid

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So are you getting it under control? It takes will power but you seem to be mighty tough.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you get angry when you feel you are being abandoned in some way?

Customer:

yes, in some ways sober but i control it... but add alcohol and i can say some damn mean things... which i have said to him and now he holds againest me.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Do you ever injure yourself (like by cutting) or did you use to?

Customer:

no ive never threatened suicide before him, I've never cut or hurt myself in any way. I have always strived to be a better person than my mother, i went to school was an officer - worked in law enforcement for 15 years, i actually was a transpot person that would take peole to the facilities for 72 hour holds, and take them to court etc... imagine my embarrasment having my old department chi[ me off thank god they let me out before i had to go in front of the judge and the dh's dept that i used to work daily with. I cant go to them for help --- they all know me. and im a cosmetologist now and cant afford real therapy.

Customer:

closest coming to self abuse was driving like an idiout while drinking, which i dont do anymore.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Than goodness for that.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So what is your primary goal right now. Even if you can't afford therapy (I couldn't either - ha), you can still get great help form certain workbooks that come pretty close to having a therapist sitting on your coffee table.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

What would you like to work on first?

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Anger?

Customer:

im following the text your ex back by michael fire, and reading alot of claire casey.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Are they helping?

Customer:

i want to be able to build a new stronger relationship with him, i dont know where to start, i have anger issues from my childhood i know that, i have taken psych classes for my degree. i just always thought i had them under control until i started drinking more

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Try this workbook. It is GREAT.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


And I would like to recommend the absolutely best all-time book on relationships. No other book comes close:

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


That will keep you busy and out of trouble for a little while.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :


There two books have so much wisdom in them. I'm sure you would appreciate them.

Customer:

humm im actually thinking i have the marriage one, from my marriage that ended in divorce 3 years ago - we grew apart, but there were support issues too - always felt he abandoned me when he didnt know how to help me deal with my 17 yo daughters pregnancy,

Customer:

he was a great guy, just as "a" is, not controlling loved me blindly and i realized it to late. we are "friends" still stuck owning a house together, not living he has a girlfriend and is happy he deserves it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It's supposed to be for better or for worse. Hopefully this time you can heal things and learn how to cool down your temper. You seem to be a very amazing person and can add this to your academic accomplishments. What are you studying at school now?

Customer:

i actually graduated cosmetology school with a 97 % just passed my state boards and am working at a wonderful salon for a very artistic understanding and wonderful boss.!

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So you will have to be looking and acting your best. That will keep you somewhat calmed down.

Customer:

thank yo so much this is helping- alot of things i hold in from my childhood and should write a lifetime movie about it! But just getting it out and having someone neutral have insight is helping a lil

Customer:

yes always have had to present myself in the utmost sain and proper manner in law enforcement too - nobody i met or meet now knows i actually have issues! I keep alot in check

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are responding an a way that children who were abused an neglected often do, with great anger and some reckless behavior, but you seem to be making real progress.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You'd be amazed at how many people do the same thing. NOBODY knows what goes on behind closed "doors".

Customer:

yes but i reverted with "A' i love him and know he is my soulmate by the way we clicked, then all that anger got built up and comes out in reponse to his controlling when drinking... he said he would fight, and when it was over keep fighting... he told that to my roommate. Now that i have realized how dumb i was, now he holds all the stupid crap i said to hurt him back and says hes confused and doesnt want to get hurt by me because he suffered so much in those 2 months and i didnt care... i cared, i just took myself away from it, i didnt want to go back because of pity for him... now he doesnt know if he wants this relationship and keeps bringing up things i said, im paying for stuff over and over, and if i bring up anything he did worng in my eyes in the relationship it the "all his fault" i told him i have seen and read and actually know couple who have been through worse - divorce cheating, etc and they are living happily ever after, i told him i always wondered how they did it, and now i WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER! because now im fighting to keep this relationship

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

The best way you both can make a new start is to pledge to each other that you will forgive all past misdeeds and vow never to discuss them again. Instead you will concentrate on making every moment of the present to be positive and kind and loving and supportive with no negativity or meanness, and absolutely no more discussions of the past. That is the best and perhaps oly way to move forward successfully.

Customer:

he still sends me my "good morning beautiful" text every day... i stayed by him and his boys last night ( no sex) and i told him about reading alot of relationship therapy, and that i was told we need to consider the old relationship dead, build a new stronger one. i think hes still hung up on the past, and needs to forgive as i have.. he said he's confused as to why i am the one wanting what he wanted before, he sent a good morning beautiful thanks for yesterday ( picked corn intractor with him for 3 hours feeding him fruti n veggies ) and last night, I love you. text this morning. he says hes scared and confused one minute and hugs and touches my face and says i love you the next.... i just keep saying we dont need to jump rightback into it, but take it day by day to start.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Awwww. That sounds so sweet. I think that you and I are on the same page when it comes to what needs to be done to make this work. Out with the old and in with the new.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I live in the country too and know all about tractoring and picking corn.

Customer:

and i told him no thank you i always enjoyed riding in the tractor and helping him with the farm. as much as he is drained by that and work its an old family farm and he lost his dad 2 years ago, so he keeps losing sleep and working at it. He always liked that i liked the farm said his ex never did a thing with it til she wanted her 50% of his 50%

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

There are a lot of people who want what's not rightfully theirs.

Customer:

do i believe hes confused, how can he say he loves me one minute and say i dont know the next, i take it as a good sign that he lets me go spend time when the boys are there.. some friends say watch it hes using you, but would he let his kids get involed that way? i dont think so, they had seperation issues when i wasnt around for 2 monthsespecially his youngest, and hed tell me austin would ask about me and he (A) would start to cry... I'm

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He's very emotional and high strung. When he gets that way you just have to chill out and don't respond to him. Don't let him push your buttons, and certainly don't push his. You are the stronger one and you will have to take the lead..

Customer:

oh yeah she was a peach , and i never asked or accepted a lot of gifts etc because i wanted to prove to him i wasnt there for his money, id sign a prenup and never take it if we got married, i will inherit alot from my father, (whom relationship is mended as we got older, he's alone and 66 and says he loves me every time i see him, im an only child and love my dad, and have to take care of him)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are good for him. You may have to remind him once in a while, but very gently.

Customer:

they used to fight and bitch in front of the kids - i helped him see that that was stupid and unfair to the kids - my ex and i always get along our child is the most important not revenge

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

It seems that if you can follow your own wisdom then you will succeed.

Customer:

in some of those fights, she would say good luck with his controlling ass to me ... of course in my anger i would tell him maybe she was right - yep that nasty when alcohol added and i get hurt

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

But you are older and wiser now and know better.

Customer:

im fighting it, i have wanted to just go get drunk to forget the pain when he tells me he doesnt know - is confused.... but i know if i trip up he will use that as an excuse

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

So find a better means of dealing with the pain.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Punching a pillow (in private, of course) is effective.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Getting and using that anger management book will also help.

Customer:

i do deflect anger, cooking cleaning etc

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

That is the best way.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You seem to have a mentally healthy approach - but is those moments of stress overload that you have to apply a circuit breaker and the bottle will always let you down, but a pillow is made out of down and punching it will just fluff it up.

Customer:

and i gained weight while in the relationship ( another self anger i think - my mom was big ) so i started to exercise again

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You just need a healthy anger management tool.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Eating is the same as drinking and so you don't want to comfort yourself that way.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Exercising also produces endorphins which make you happier.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You are very close to succeeding. You must try to keep yourself in check. I know we all slip some time, but the movement seems to be positive.

Customer:

yes i can see that, and know it... i have propsed to him to come walk with me in the mornings instead of going to the bar! I have told him answers arent in the bottom of a bottle, i do know that from experience. i dont drink daily, was just a social 1-2 times a week drinker, but the binging has cought up with me and the black outs where i operate on auto pilot are truly scary and i dont want to be there anymore.. altho i would like a social drink eventually... just need to follow my own advice and stay away for now

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Be strong and do it. I shall keep you in my prayers.

Customer:

i know, im trying i am wise enough most times to know the difference. Im a caretaker by nature... always feeling i need to take care of everyone else. SOmetimes it gets to be too much and i need to escape - escaping to alcohol was easy, my friends were fun and let me be me and just forget things.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Well, that is in the past. Make a pledge to yourself right now that you will come as close to quitting as possible. You need to break the habit.

Customer:

Thank you so much im sure your tired of me - apparently i can go on and on.... i havent even gotten to alot of my childhood issues like i said lifetime movie... but ive always had to be the strong one, so kept it inside... and dont normally open up to any docs or psych stuff ... my daughters bipolar diagnosed in 6th grade ive delt with enough of them but mainly just pertinent to her and the anxity she used to give me

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Well it has been two hours but the company was great. I hope that I helped you to vent and gave you the encouragement that you deserve and needed.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I shall keep you in my prayers and hope that you succeed.

Customer:

thank you im on amazon now even if my relationship doesnt succeed i know i need to work things out with myself in order to move on, continue to be a great parent to my son and someday be happily ever after

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX to reading text your ex back with micheal fire! im trying! trying like ive never tried before

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

May God give you a joyful relationship and heal all things in the past.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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