Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
I can imagine how confusing and weird this feels to you!
Go ahead and type in a hello so I know you're in the chat, okay?
It does not sound like you're gay at all. Should I elaborate on why I say this or do you want to ask anything first?
First, I'd like to say that being straight isn't a matter of 100% only having any sexual thoughts about women and that's it.
And being gay isn't about having any sexual thought about a man, at all, ever.
We get turned on by lots of different visual input, thoughts, fantasies, etc.
We can get turned on by lots of things that are not what define who we are.
a guy can get turned on by thinking about bondage, or by an older woman, or by thinking about doing it with an inflatable doll.
These don't define the guy.
It doesn't mean that he's all about bondage, or older women, or auto-eroticism.
It just means that he thought about something, was in a particular mood, and got turned on.
Are you with me so far?
Or would you like to comment?
Hi, the system says you were typing but nothing came through. Should I continue or would you like to comment on what I've said so far?
What if its a woman dressed a man or something like that?
*as a man or in masculine clothing?
You mean if she is dressing as a man specifically because she wants to be sexual with another women and she wants to play the man's role?
Go ahead and share more with me about the scenario you're thinking about, okay?
I don't know if I'd feel comfortable about it.
Do you mean you're not sure if you're comfortable about discussing women dressing like men?
I see. Do you mean you're not interested in women dressing like men?
Should we move on to other parts of your question you wrote?
Its a fetish, but I think it means what I want in a girl is someone masculine, but retains feminine
I'm sorry if I'm typing slowly I'm just nervous right now.
trying to think what i'm trying to say.
Please don't worry about that, I'm fine with the pace you're typing.
but I feel have been questioning the difference between a man and a woman recently
You know, a lot of guys like women who are more forward, who take the lead sexually, etc. and they're okay with that. Can you be okay with that?
I don't know
Because it doesn't make you weird or less of a man yourself does it?
but i've never been in a relationship before
It really sounds as though you're doubting yourself a lot, that you're not very self confident in general right now. Is that true?
there was this girl once, she seemed almost perfect, I tried asking her out, she friend-zoned me, she never talks to me anymore, or anything.
ever since then, I think I have started to doubt myself
I see. Yes it can be very disappointing, I know.
It must have hurt a lot.
it did, at first that night I felt nothing, but then I may have had a mental breakdown of crying and laughing at the time.
I can imagine.
That's not a nervous breakdown really. That's just being a human being!
It must have hurt like crazy.
It still does, but I feel like I could have done better to make her like me
this happened last year of course
but I tried and still try to look on the bright side
which makes me feel more sociable
It's really important and a positive thing that you learned from this that could have done more to make it better and to make it work out.
That's what growing up is about.
But remember, because this is very important:
You can't control what the other person is going to do.
She was not willing to let you grow in the relationship and let herself grow as well.
She didn't want it.
When that happens, you have to move forward. What does that mean? It means
that you learn what to do better next time.
Can I use a baseball example?
You know when the guy who had the highest batting average ended the season, he batted maybe .333 or so.
That means two out of three times he grounded out, struck out, or flied out.
Were they a waste?
Were they something to get him depressed?
Heck, he knows that if he let it get him down the fact that 2/3 of the time he doesn't get a hit he'd be a wreck, agreed?
But he knows that from each of those outs he made, he needs to learn something if he's going to hit above 300. Agreed?
Well, life is like that:
you don't hit a home run every time.
A guy doesn't find a girl who's going to love him or want him or even like him every time. Sometimes she passes him by.
Sometimes he messes up with her.
And when that happens, he has to know, okay, this was meant for me to learn about how to do it better next time I'm up to the plate with a girl.
What do you think?
I agree, but I also think the reasons why she didn't want me is because I was too nervous to talk to her, I have a stuttering and stammering problem, I'm not athletic at all. I look like a either child or a girl myself, and I heard she wanted more mature men,
Which is why I like her also, I also want a girl who's mature.
Stuttering is a problem. One of my mentors, my professors, stuttered as a youth. He told us about it. Now he speaks nationally! But he needed to go for therapy with a specialist in stuttering. Would that be helpful to you?
I took plenty of stuttering sessions, ever since I was very young.
and while I felt calm, there are moments where I get really nervous or excited and just revert back to stuttering horribly.
and I feel like I still haven't made progress.
And so you're okay. You're just not that macho guy you wish you could be. It's like those ads about the beach with the big hulk and the beautiful girl: you're not that guy. You're the one, like the rest of us, who gets the sand in your face and is nervous and reverts to his nervous behavior.
everyone tells me to take my time and calm down
I'm not sure about the taking your time part, but certainly to feel more calm would help.
but that's the problem, I'm not that guy.
I would rather you started feeling like you don't have to be anyone OTHER THAN YOURSELF to be someone that a good woman will want.
I'd rather you started looking at the motivational speakers videos. Would you do that?
By the way, I wasn't that guy and most guys aren't that guy!
I have, but it feels like I try to motivate myself and things never go good.
That's why the make those ads.
But that's not the reason,
Which of the motivational speakers have you watched?
What do you mean by motivational speakers?
Here's what I mean:
Here's a simple YouTube search I put together on "motivational speakers":
Some like Tony Robbins are the classic big guys. Some are newer. There are now some wonderful women speakers in the mix.
Here are some books I like:
The first book is the father of all these type of books. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. There are classes in these books now! It was written in the 1930s and still has something to say to us today that is very worthwhile.
I think very highly of the second book on my list, which is a real classic: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It is the book that has helped more people than probably any other. The third book is by Anthony Robbins. He's one of those speakers who fills up huge auditoriums. For a reason. He's a terrific speaker and writer. The particular book (if you like it, try his others): Awaken the Giant Within.
at a few school things, they always bring in some guy who looks buff, and explains about him being bullied and weak and how he became the person he was today.
I want to ask you, though:
no I haven't
how many guys walking with their wives in the mall are buff like that?
But they have wives, right?
Our goal in life isn't to be some imaginary iron man. Our goal is to be the best ourselves we can be. You need to be the best YOU that you can be.
That's what those speakers I was talking about above are all about.
You need to keep asking girls out and if they say no, that's their right.
But you have to be you. And there are girls out there who will be interested in you.
If you want to join a gym and start working out, that's fine.
But I don't know that it's going to make you into the Hulk or Superman. And I don't care if it doesn't
but I want my first relationship with a girl to be something special, something at will last a long time.
I don't care if i'm strong or anything
You're wonderful. That's such a wonderful goal you have!
That's great. That's a great goal.
To have your relationship last a long time.
So, then, don't keep putting yourself down because the first girl you tried with said no.
She was not ready for what you need.
So move on, right?
Move on to the future and finding that girl, right?
I have and I still am
Go ahead, but...
the thing my masculinity feels minor right now
The reason why I think I'm gay is because around a few weeks ago I started thinking about why gays like people of the same sex
and I keep looking at other guys thinking "is he attractive?"
and I think for a girl no, but a guy, sure
or maybe I think if what if they had breasts or something
but sometimes I'm going about my daily business and it just hits me
That's not being gay. That's just a thought, agreed?
yeah but, then the dreams started coming,
And do you think the dreams mean you're gay?
I feel like dreams tell you something about your inner psyche or something
I like to look up sometimes what my dreams mean.
but after having one of my friend, I felt uncomfortable
I didn't want to look at them, I mean , I think I love my friend, like a brother almost I think
That's right, but they don't tell you "what" you are. Straight guys can dream about sexual attraction to males and gay guys can dream about women.
but recently I feel depressed because of this, I feel distant for all the other males for this and when I feel depressed I feel tired
so when I sleep, sometimes I even when I don't have a gay dream
I wake up panting, nervous, scared, even sometimes sweating, I feel like I have to say " I like girls" over and over again.
and I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me almost,
Isn't "my mind is playing tricks on me" a little like stuttering?
In stuttering, the more nervous you are the more you stutter.
It's really that the anxiety is creating the situation you're afraid of:
you are so afraid of stuttering, that you stutter.
That's how most people express it in therapy.
Well, that's your mind playing tricks on you.
Meaning, that's your anxiety making happen what you are so afraid of happening, right?
not just that, but I just think "what is the difference between a man and a woman?"
I think that sometimes at I want full control over my thoughts
That requires decades and decades of training in Nepal with the yoga masters!
The rest of us have to accept that we have lots of stray thoughts,
and we have to let them go.
That we have to not get too anxious.
Can I summarize where we've gotten to and give you my recommendations?
but I still feel like i have questions that need to be answered.
but its like recently, in the mornings especially, if I look at a another male, and if try to think if they're attractive, I don't know if i'm getting in erection or not, I check, it I haven't. then I try to think of a fantasy with a girl and it still feels like nothing.
I understand. But this is not so unusual. We don't get hard ons on command all the time. Especially if you try to order yourself to and you've got anxiety happening.
With anxiety, sometimes you can't get a hard on no matter what. Have you ever experienced that?
well I try to calm down and think "okay, just try now, test yourself" and nothing, and I expecting too much.
You are indeed expecting too much. You're focusing on the wrong thing right now:
you're focusing on getting an erection.
well not now of course
It is not the important thing you need to focus on.
It's okay that you aren't getting a hard on.
What we're looking for is for you to start smiling so that a girl will be willing to say yes to you, agreed?
yeah but I think it is , because this whole gay thing is making me so nervous its destroying me more than usual in school.
I feel like I can't get work done
You've done a great job of summarizing the problem!
You're hyperfocusing and causing yourself to not function.
and I try not to think about it
You must slow down and let things happen naturally. Can you do that?
I've been trying, but these fits of uncomfortable sexual confusion scare me and I look up more and I think about all these movies and look up the symptoms think
and yes I do get curious what it's like, but then I either cringe or think " maybe that's why I like tomboys, am I hiding something I don't know?" Am I secretly closeted? or am I in denial? am I thinking to too hard into this?
I don't want to be gay and as far as i'm concerned, I'm not gay, but what if it develops? I don't want to like guys
I feel that there is a fine line that needs to drawn
with guys, we have to relate, we have to find the one thing human we are not sexually drawn to, if you're interested in everyone, wouldn't you be a confused, wreck?
I have to go into therapy sessions now because we started an hour ago. Shall we continue when I am done with sessions this evening?
Shall we pick up later? Will you be around?
I have to do homework, so yes, but dr, I have to know now, am I gay? its been bugging me recently
Just like you don't believe you're gay, I don't think you're gay either!
I'll close the chat for now and talk with you when I get back, so keep the computer on.
Hi. I'm back. I still don't think you're gay. I think you're trying to have everything happen right away and it isn't. You have to let things happen one at a time and not get spooked by every little thing. Not so much anxiousness, okay?
really, right now, because of this, I can't even get my homework done, or any school work done, I just want to stop over thinking this, and it doesn't help that this gay crap you see in movies and tv doesn't help.
not that I have against gay people
*have anything against
Yes, there's a lot of advertising and it sort of pushes it on people.
But you have to remember that you are you, and that you aren't going to let every thought that comes out of the TV make you lose yourself.
not just TV like I said,
I just think I over think things, just by seeing various examples in life
Yes, I think you have a good understanding of what you're doing that you need to get over: you're overthinking. What would help you in stopping this?
I think i'm over it then I'm back at step one again
so what do you think is the problem with me?
or not the problem
I think that what is the problem is that you aren't letting yourself live your life. You're trying to make your life conform to some idea of what it "should" be like.
And whenever something crosses your mind
that doesn't fit in with what you think it "should" be,
then you lose your stability
and you get extremely anxious
and you then need a lot of time to get back to "normal", to square one.
But there was no real problem to begin with: you just had a thought that didn't fit in with what you believe you "should" be thinking,
or something didn't go as you thought it "should" go.
With me? If so, I'll get to the remedy, because it's within you to change this.
I believe I know I want, I have dreams and wants, and I want them. And I don't want these thoughts to get in my way of what I want. But I agree with everything you have said so far.
Good. You are so right and you said it so well: I don't want these thoughts to get in my way of what I want.
thank you, doc
You are so welcome.
I wish you the very best!
My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX