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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I am in a new relationship after a very long time of having

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I am in a new relationship after a very long time of having a live-in relationship. I haven't actually "dated" in over 12 years and am a "youngish" 67 years old. I love being with this new man and we get along very well. While I seem to have lost my ability to feel that sexy, hot feeling when with someone you are turned onto, I absolutely love being with him in every way. We have amazing sex but I can't seem to reach an orgasm like I usuall can which is orally. He has been understanding and open...what can I do, he says. Now I'm getting worried he'll tire of trying and leave. He is 7 years younger. I always go out with younger men but not on purpose, it just happens! I am too self-conscious to do what he asks which is "do yourself." I can have an O that way, however, by myself, so I know my "parts are working." I had breast cancer blamed on hormones. Stopped taking them but am back on natural HRT. Went through a lot of emotional trauma in last 3 years. My counselor said my body could be in shock, akin to PTSD (I dream about some of what happened over and over). I so want to get better and let this happen between us. Last night he said he wasn't going to have an O again until I did. Then he added...oh, what pressure (for you). I asked if we could focus less on it for awhile...just do it for less time b/c the longer he tries, the more frustrated I become. I will add I was with a man who could make me have the best and biggest O orally every time. He "knew" my body and so I think he spoiled me rotten. Is there hope? I'm taking supplements that are supposed to help but nothing seems to, other than me, alone. I don't want that at all. I want him in my life. He is a very busy man but I am retired, tho I stay busy. So our time together is somewhat limited, also b/c he lives in another county 30+ minutes away. He also has a child he spends time with every other weekend and one day a week. My problem weighs heavy on my mind while I am otherwise so happy with this new and wonderful man in my life. Help! Should I consult regularly with a sex therapist in my town? Do I need a higher does of hormones?

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having this issue with your libido and having sex with your partner, I can imagine how distressful this must be for you

Dr. Z :

Orgasms during sexual intercourse can get more difficult as we age this is not unusual, but because you can reach an orgasm through manual stimulation this is a good sign.

Dr. Z :

I think consulting with your sex therapist is a good idea, but I also would like to mention an antidepressant called Wellbutrin that can help you with your self-conscious issues and also can increase libido and help you achieve orgasms easier

Customer:

That's all you can advise me?

Dr. Z :

Wellbutrin has been shown to help women achieve orgasms very successfully and is safer to use than hormones.

Dr. Z :

Here is a small article explaining the use of Wellbutrin for this instance

Customer:

Ohhh...sorry, I did not see the part about Wellbutrin. I will ask my doctor when I see him Friday...he is not sex therapist but a Ph.d who can prescribe antidepressants. I agree re safety of using hormones...I don't like taking them. Thank you for the link. I apologize for my first response but the answer shows up in such a small window, only one line at a time appears.

Dr. Z :

Its okay and I was typing slowly too

Customer:

How long will the Wellbutrin take to become effective..the usual 4 weeks or so?

Dr. Z :

Wellbutrin is very successful in helping to enhance a woman's sex life, especially older woman too.

Dr. Z :

Usually 4-6 weeks to start noticing the benefits and then 8-12 weeks to get the maximum benefits of it

Customer:

I think I may have shut down in some ways when I experienced the trauma (loss of loved ones, family/estate issues involving hatred from them toward me and having to hire an attorney, to try to encapsulate it). While I am not feeling "hot and the usual titallating feelings" when we are in bed, I am totally "into" it all, especially when he talks to and compliments me. I'm not faking it but it's jusr different than the usual "heat." I think maybe I may be having a "normal" relationship for once in my life!

Dr. Z :

Well that is great that you are in a normal relationship that is a good sign. Yeah you may be going through that shock from the trauma and I think seeing a therapist will definitely help with that for the long term, but I think the Wellbutrin can jump start things as it will benefit your psychological symptoms and also will benefit your physical ones too (e.g. orgasm). Then after some time when the therapy really starts to be more effective, you can choose to wean off the Wellbutrin as you may not need it anymore. The Wellbutrin is just mean to get you over this "hill" you are facing right now.

Customer:

OK, will ask my doc on Friday for some, I am sure he will agree. Would you say the fact I want to please this man in every way (as well as myself, too..I'm not stupid! and I so enjoy his touch and everything, even tho that usual intensity isn't totally there.....am I faking it tp feel loved and appreciated after so long of not being so? I don't think so b/c I look forward to being with him again and hate it when he leaves.

Dr. Z :

No I think you said it yourself that you are in a normal relationship where this man truly appreciates you for who you are and that makes you a little nervous and self-conscious because you are not used to this and this may effect your physical intimacy with him. But I think that you do like this man a lot and this is only temporary as you better adjust and adapt to this relationship

Customer:

OK, one more Q, if you will: Should I see a sex therapist specifically or should I stay with counselor I see now who is not sex therapist and I don't think she feel comfortable going there...not her area of expertise, I guess is why.

Dr. Z :

Then yes see a sex therapist as they are more qualified to discuss these issues and to help you more with them.

Dr. Z :

Sex therapists typically go through rigorous post-graduate training and this is why they are more qualified in this area.

Customer:

I clicked Save & Exit but I don't see where it is saved.

Dr. Z :

Oh actually you have to press the smiley faces at the bottom to rate me and exit this chat.

Dr. Z :

And also when you finish rating me, this chat will be sent as a link to your email, if it has not already, so you can always use it for future reference. In addition, this chat will be saved in your JA account under My Questions so you can always go back to it when you need to

Customer:

K, will do.

Dr. Z :

Thank you I do appreciate it, unless you had any more questions or concerns that I can assist you with today?

Customer:

No thank you. I just want to be able to access it and you said it's on the JA site so that's all for now. It really helped.

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am happy that I was able to help you and I hope that this treatment plan works well for you. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

I will, thanks again Dr. Z

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome :)

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