Hi Kate! Long time! Just wanted to touch base with you. So much has happened since we last chatted. I think when we were last in touch, I had rejoined my old law partner. That was a good thing, and it felt like being back “home.” Then, at the beginning of April, out of nowhere, he anounce he was retiring in 90 days. I was shocked & not very happy. I never thought he’d retire at all – let alone with such short notice. I didn’t understand it, and still don’t. He insisted he was not sick, but that he was having trouble hearing. But I know him, and he would not tell me if he was really sick. He likely wouldn’t even tell his wife until he had to. So I went through a really stressful time of figuring out what I wanted to do. I had to let a few employees go, moved to a smaller (but much nicer) office, closer to our new house. I was blessed with a great attorney kind of popping in out of the blue – she has practiced for a lot longer than me. I have worked against her a lot, and her temperament is perfect for me. But now, my old partner can’t let go. I own the whole firm (he virtually gave it to me), and he is my employee, but he can’t let go. It’s been his whole life. I feel horrible pushing him out, but I acted on what he told me, and now things are a mess with him still there. It has been difficult. It wouldn’t be hard if I didn’t love him and respect him and appreciate everything he has done for me. Lately I have become convinced that he has Parkinson’s. He had developed tremors in his hands before, and it had become much worse when I was out in my own firm. Now it’s really bad, and sometimes his whole body shakes. He doesn’t have the muscle jerks, but he us displaying a bit of dementia
as well. Makes it even harder to push him out. But it will all work out. Just more change I didn’t want/need.
Things are still rough in therapy and stuff. There has been progress – I mean, much has changed – I can’t say it feels better – worse in some ways, for sure. But it is different, so it’s got to be progress, right? That’s what I tell myself, but I am really very discouraged. On Thursday, it will be 21 years since it happened. I was 21 years old when it happened – ½ my life now. I’ve been dealing with it in therapy for more than 2 years now. I’ve been having more and more flashbacks – mostly visual and emotional – but went through periods of other sensory flashbacks – like smelling urine for days at a time everywhere I went, and having the taste of blood and urine in my mouth all the time. The worst have been the pain ones. I don’t know that they’re really flashbacks. They tend to happen after flashbacks or nightmares
. I have been experiencing the same kind of pain I experienced then. It is really hard to deal with. It’s, of course, not as painful as when it really happened, but I am having difficulty with this part. I can’t get a handle on it.
I basically go to see Linda twice a week now and lay on the couch and cry or we talk then I have a flashback or both. Fun stuff. I still see Dr. M once a month. She changed out my Zoloft for Lexapro because she felt like I was showing more compulsive behaviors in addition to what she and Linda thought were my obsessive thoughts. I had been cutting, as I think I told you, just because I felt like I knew it would give me some relief. I was very deliberate about it, and only had 3 rather small spots on the top of my leg. I wouldn’t do it unless a spot had healed, & I would do it exactly on the same spot. But this summer, I got a bit out of control one night & wanted it to hurt (not sure why) & cut myself pretty badly. I didn’t tell Dr. M right away, but I eventually did
, & after asking me some questions about what I felt before, during & after, she decided to change my antidepressant. We also just changed my ADD
med to Vyvance, because the Adderall just seemed to stop working. I also started getting really obvious tics – I have had what I call my “nervous tics” when I get nervous or stressed - since I was pretty young. I just thought they were something everyone probably had. It used to bug the crap out of my parents – I had this thing for about a year where I did a little cough/throat clear – drove them insane. I also frequently make sounds (like “…sk … sk …sk”) in the back of my throat. Never thought it was anything. As an adult, when I am stressed, I will sometimes bug my eyes out or do weird things w/ my face. As I said, I never really thought about it – thought it was normal. But it got out of control. I was bugging my eyes out all the time. It’s not like it just happened – I was doing it – I just felt like I had to do it. I started constantly chewing the sides of my tongue and making noises in my throat. It got so bad that one of our judges asked me what the heck was wrong with my eyes, and I was having trouble finishing sentenced because I had to chew on my tongue or form the sounds in my throat. Dr. M sent me to my neurologist after she