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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi! I have twin daughters that are 14 in the 8th grade. They

Resolved Question:

Hi!
I have twin daughters that are 14 in the 8th grade. They came from a small Christian school to a large public school this fall. It was a rough transition at first. They are really happy there now. This school is one of the tops schools in the state of California. My one daughter met a boy in the library with his friends one day. She has been inseperable ever since with this boy. He showed her around the school when she didn't really know many people and he escorted her and her sister to cotillion when it was awkward. He came and got them at lunch when they were all alone. He has just been there for her from the beginning. I let her go to an amusement park with a group of kids with him. He became her boyfriend after that. I let her go to the movies with him and his friend and her twin sister went along too. I let them go twice. The first time he put his arm around her(I found out from her sister). The second time they kissed while his arm was around her. I feel I have made a huge mistake in letting her go without an adult. I need teen dating advice. I really like this kid until I found out he went to kiss her. He is VP of the school and is real smart, mature gets good grades and takes a class at a high school. It's the kind of guy every parent would want for your daughter but they are too young. He is 14 also. He told her to tell her parents about us because they only want what's best for you and honesty is the best policy. Need advice.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you feel this concerned.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Is this the first boyfriend your daughter has?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious this big change coudl become a real challenge for most children int heir shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Happily as you described it, they seem to have adjusted pretty well to all these changes

Customer:

This is her second boyfriend. The other one they just texted and were only together a week and broke up. It was just like flirting I think. My daughter is a tomboy and as a young child loved hanging with the boys.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you said, it seems they are already going too fast too soon, and even when he seems to be very competent nd responsible person at all these areas, that does not necessarily mean his value and belief system and ways of developing relationships being this young are the healthiest ones.

Customer:

She makes friends easier with the boys because they are less drama.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe taking things one step at a time is necessary here. How good has been her sexual education?

Customer:

should I keep her from him and just once in a while let him come over with lots of their friends? What to do?

Customer:

She had watched a sex education movie in 6th grade and I had the dreaded talk with her. I will be again soon. I don't plan on letting them be alone anywhere.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think the best approach needs to be consistent with your/her value and belief systems, adjusting her behavior to them, while at the same time allowing them to build a healthy relationship, and in this case adult presence could be the best approach instead of not allowing them to share and know each other ebtter

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

...better.

Customer:

Her twin sister is nowhere near this situation. Very different kids.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sexual education should be an ongoing process, she is already old enough to have the need to understand well about this area of life in order to take good care of herself and of her relationships, again, in consistency with her value and belief systems.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see and believe you, each person -child is unique and for sure this boy is not passive at all, that's why clear and healthy boundaries must be set right away for him to know which are the rules if he truly wants to build a good and acceptable relationship with her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would know from his actions rather than from his words if he is truly this mature, respectful, accountable and caring or not. Open and honest, friendly and supportive communication with your daughter is very important for sure.

Customer:

Thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For her to trust you and get your support when having doubts, questions and need help about anything, feeling understood and respected, not judged nor repressed. Become closer friends.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. This is tough situation, but part of life and it could be very beneficial not only for her, but also for your relationship and for her sister's development and learning experiences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me if you have any further questions and to follow up, since I am here willing to support you.

Customer:

her sister was horrified when they kissed. Just developing differently. She knew it was not right that's why. I just hope this boy really likes my daughter and is not using her for experimenting and she falls for it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

that's why you need to play the healthiest and friendliest possible role here as a wise and supportive parent, literally guiding her about relationships, dating and how to take good care of herself and cope wt challenges dating presents, even more at this age when no previous experience is there.

Customer:

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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