Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful reality you have been undergoing for all this long.
hello what should I do?
What you report here is very serious since it does show not an isolated episode but a pattern of serious disrespect, disloyalty, neglect and abuse, and the re is no way to justify any of them, even more if coming from a spouse, who is supposed to be there to respect, love, understand and take good care of you.
You are suffering of depression, which is a tough mental health disorder, and if its roots are in this serious marital reality, then it would be more obvious how unhealthy and destructive this relationship has become.
Your husband's behaviors show different and serious issues, from personality disorders, to drug abuse and possibly other addictions, since his behavioral patterns shows dishonesty, secrecy denial, avoidance, manipulation, justification, abusive and neglectful behaviors and many other deficiencies common in all these disorders.
when he was nice he was very nice but then he would shout and give me the silent treatment I would cry for a whole day and would want to die, I have been 100 percent loyal from day one, he was messaging other gilrls asking to see nude pictures of them, how can I trust him?? ive finished with him but feel guilty.
I am very sorry to know about this very painful situation, but I truly believe you are suffering of serious codependency, since there is nothing you have done here to cause this, but you have obviously been the victim of his neglect, abuse and manipulation, and it seems you can easily take the blame and end enabling further abuse.
im an English girl and he is an muslim man and I tried to fit in with his family but they wanted to change me, I felt alone and depressed when they spoke in their language all the time I didn't know what they were saying, I gave up my life to be with him and he was cheating on me, his family were nice to me but I could never trust him I feel so guilty for ending it. have I done the right thing?
I strongly believe you need individual psychotherapy, and help from your support system in order to work on rehabilitating from depression, codpendency and the traumatic impact this very abusive marriage has had on you.
when he did his bodybuilding he was moody and emotionaly vacant with me I felt neglected , he tried to buy me things to make it up to me when he cheated but I still didn't trust him
he would shout and tell me he had done so much for me and I am dragging up the past
I have suffered depression for ten years, he told me to stop taking my antidepressents because I had him and didn't need them
I do not see any other healthy and acceptable option here but too end such an abusive and neglectful destructive marriage, it could only lead you even deeper into depression and to suffer even more Please get far away from this person and anybody who disrespects or abuses you, and get close to those who truly happen to respect and care about you.
That's terrible, this person has truly been hurting you in very serious ways, to the point of alienating you and pushing you to neglect yourself and allow him to use and abuse you this much and for this long.
Please do get close to those loved ones who truly respect and care about you, and look for psychotherapy support in order to rehabilitate from these disorders and from the abuse you have been exposed to for so long.
when I finished with him he said he had been too good for me and he had tried to change for me but I wouldn't let him.
he paid for a holiday and I feel so guilty as I didn't go with him and I ended it. but he had me questioning my own sanity
I felt so depressed
Also look for a local group for codependency, since it would complement and make individual psychotherapy become more therapeutic and beneficial for you.
im going to the doctors tomorrow to ask for a therapist
You did the right thing, be sure about that, your first need, right and responsibility is to respect, love and protect yourself, and to never allow anybody to use, abuse, neglect or manipulate you like he has been doing for all this long.
Perfect, please do so and get all the help you can from your loved ones, it is necessary for your rehabilitation and to protect yourself from this person.
the day I went shopping for my wedding dress I found a toe ring in his car! he told me it was his sisters but I don't believe him, why am I feeling so bad for ending it?? I feel that he tried to change for a bit, he said he loved me
he said he changed himself for me and started doing more things, taking me out to dinner buying me things, I would then find another message from a girl on his phone, he told me to fxxxx off and he said girls from the past text him and it wasn't his fault
Because you got addicted to him, this is how codependency work, and he was able to manipulate you this much because of your vulnerability, this is why you need professional support and healthy help from your family and good friends, otherwise you could easily self-sabotage and expose yourself to further abuse.
he said I just want to make problems and hold things against him
I am very sorry to know you were expose to so much horrible abuse, nobody deserves that at all.
His is seriously distorted not only his behaviors but his emotions and perosnality, and his drug abuse and addictions for sure play a huge role in it.
when I first met him I was so inlove with him, I painted a picture for him as I am an artist and I got his name tattooed on my wrist all along he was messaging other girls but I was so fooled because he told me I was his one
I see, you were very naive since you truly believed in him, trusted his words but you did not know how disturbed he really was, now you now from painful experiences how dysfunctional and abusive this persona truly is.
what is co-dependency?? he also would tell me off if I looked at anybody or I didn't hold his hand, he said I didn't do enough for him and I didn't love him enough
Please seriously consider my suggestions, for you to get the support you need and deserve, for rehabilitating from depression and codependency, and to rebuild your life away from any form of abuse.
yes I am going to get therapy
how can I deal with my guilt of ending it with him
Codependency is a mental health disorder that affect many people, it undermines the person's judgment to assess reality, attaching to other person and sharing in unhealthy ways, where abuse and neglect are tolerated and enabled. You feel this way because you have this disorder, which fuels from poor sense of self-worthiness, low self-esteem, self-confidence issues and lack of assertiveness, which use to be developed from early childhood, many times related to lack of adequate parenting, affection, discipline, understanding and support from parents or care takers. This is why people become very vulnerable as adult sin their own personal relationships.
Many times past experiences of abuse, neglect, abandonment and trauma or violence used to be present in the person's life, what leads to develop these addiction and problems.
Psychotherapy, both individual and group are necessary, and after you complete group psychotherapy, please keep regular individual psychotherapy and participate of a support group for codependency, that would allow you to rehabilitate, take good care of yourself and rebuild your life in a healthy and fulfilling way.
thankyou for your help
You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action, and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions, to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.
thankyou you have been very kind
You're welcome. I am just honest. You need and deserve a good , healthy and fulfilling life, work on ti getting around people who respect and deserve you, and never close to anybody abusive or destructive. Bye for now.