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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4271
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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For DoctorZ only.. Hi, are you available right now?

Resolved Question:

For DoctorZ only.. Hi, are you available right now?
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 8 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello yes I am available

Dr. Z :

How are you?

Customer:

Hi, I am feeling depressed and need a talk

Dr. Z :

I am sorry to hear that, of course we can talk. Why are you feeling depressed?

Customer:

I am feeling like I am caught up in a situation where there is no escape..

Dr. Z :

Are you talking about the relationship with you and your husband?

Customer:

yes.. reason is the same..

Dr. Z :

Did you two try couples therapy like I mentioned to you both the last time we talked?

Customer:

I know that is not going to work.. my husband is not the person who can be convinced easily.. rather 99% of times I have seen people agreeing with what he says.. he is so strong while talking about anything that anyone talking to him will think he/she might be wrong

Dr. Z :

I am sorry to hear that, so did you two have another fight today?

Customer:

Is it possible that he loves me but doesnt care about me?

Customer:

he cant lose me, but at the same time he cant keep me happy

Dr. Z :

Well if that is the case, then that is not true love. Instead that is called love with conditions, where you have to do things his way

Customer:

does the pure love exist at all in this world?

Dr. Z :

Yes it does. There is something called unconditional love that is seen very commonly between couples where you love the person for their strengths and weakness no matter what and that you will always be there by their side.

Dr. Z :

I remember talking with both of you the last time and we discussed certain conditions, to let you walk away and calm down and then approach him when you are ready to talk about something. Did he follow those conditions at all?

Customer:

If you dont find pure love, then are you the problem?

Dr. Z :

No that is not the case. Pure love happens and then sometimes there are bumps in the road during a relationship when it is lost, but that only means you can find it again with the right help, which is why I suggested couples therapy to help you both get back on the same road together

Customer:

I hate to say this about my husband, but he is not keen about spending money where he is not sure about result.. please dont judge us for that.. but this is what it is

Dr. Z :

Its okay I completely understand, that is another reason why I suggested the couples therapy books for both of you which is considerably cheaper than actual therapy

Customer:

Basically we both are not yet ready to speak out loud with anybody else.. typing is much easier

Dr. Z :

That makes sense to me, I think you both are in love with each other, but I feel you are both are having a difficult time communicating with each other

Customer:

we havent said a single bad word about each other in front of anybody else.. except on one ocassion where we opened up in front of our respective parents.. but that was first and last

Dr. Z :

But what do you say in private about one another and what do you think about one another?

Customer:

we are ideal happy couple for the world

Customer:

its getting worse with each time

Customer:

I have three problems with him.. which covers everything I guess.. but he says he has the same three problems with me

Customer:

1. for anything, he keeps thinking about money.. I say, I have to decorate home.. he says EMI.. I say I have to do shopping for the festivals.. he says money for Education..

Customer:

For him the problem is that I spend a lot.. but for me, I dont expect too much as compared to other wives

Customer:

2. He has the excuse of his study all the time.. I say, outing.. he has to study.. I say grocery.. he says, go alone, I have to study.. I say haircut for the baby.. he says study

Customer:

for him, I dont motivate for his study.. for me, I am just waiting for him to clear the exam since last 4 years.. but this never ends.. how long shall I wait..

Customer:

3. His parents, both the above points are exceptions for his parents.. He is ready to spend money for his parents trip.. he is ready to spend time when his parents want

Dr. Z :

Well there should definitely be room for compromise on the first 2 issues to find a healthy balance with spending and saving money, and also a balance on studying and spending time with your family. The 3rd issue is something where it sounds like he puts greater value on the relationship with his parents then his relationship with you and that is hurtful for you

Customer:

yes.. he can not hurt his parents.. that is fine for me, but not fine if its at my cost

Dr. Z :

I think it is as your cost because he has a double standard when it comes to how interacts with you and how he interacts with his parents

Customer:

But, I want to discuss about second point today and need your help for this as todays fight was on taht

Dr. Z :

Sure that is fine we can discuss the second point

Customer:

okay

Customer:

He wants to clear a particular exam and wants to get into a good college..I am proud of him for that.. but, I dont see him putting required efforts for that..

Customer:

This is going on even before we got married..

Customer:

at one point of our relationship.. before marriage.. we were away from each other.. that time I used to pressurize him to study.. but he used to say that he has to get into a particular project, he cant start before that.. I was upset as he had maximum time at that time.. but he was not mentally prepared..

Customer:

then he got the project, now his excuse was that he has lot of workload.. so he couldnt study

Customer:

then we got married.. we couldnt go for honeymoon due to his project.. I was upset.. but he said we will go later..

Customer:

but when later I asked for the honeymoon, he said he has to study now..

Customer:

he started studying.. I was upset in a corner of my heart.. but I swear I didnt want him to stop studying

Customer:

but, then there was his parents visit.. his parents had to go for a trip.. he couldnt go as he had to study.. I went.. his parents treated badly.. I was upset.. tensions in family.. he and his parents started blaming me that I can not keep the good environment for him to study..

Customer:

okay.. his parents didnt blame in front of him.. suggestively.. I dont want to be unfair to him

Customer:

somepoint he stopped his study.. dont remember where.. but he still thinks that the reason was me I guess..

Customer:

yes.. we got different postings then, he was alone.. so he started the study again.. he gave two attempts.. the score wasnt bad.. but he was not satisfied.. so he decided to give one more attempt

Customer:

then I got the posting at his place, we were back together after one year.. so the good times.. no study.. this went for 4 months..approx

Customer:

then I got pregnant.. his parents visit was planned even before we knew about my pregnancy.. they came here while my first trimester..

Customer:

they kept asking about the baby since we got married, so I was happy that they visited.. but, they disappointed me very badly.. they didnt care about me.. long trips.. excertions for me.. but for them its okay.. his mom did lot more than that when she was carrying my hubby.. so my hubby, who cared so much for me earlier.. started to losing up.. he thought its very normal... I dont need much special treatement.. I was very upset, I reacted them with strict silent treatement.. the going inside room and all which I told you in last chat...this was a milestone for my husband in our relationship.. for the rest of our lives, my husband is going to blame me for treating his parents badly.. but, I dont have regrets.. his parents were so bad to me and instead of taking situation in control like elders.. they kept taunting and making the situation uncomfortable..

Customer:

they left.. for some days the situation was silent.. he started studying again.. his parents used to extra motivate him on phone.. nobody cared that there was a pregnant lady in home who needs attention and care.. I used to balance office work and house as well as he had to study.. he had hardly helped me, but for the very few instances where he helped me, he has now taken advantage and generalized that he used to help me daily that time.. this is false

Customer:

then, we got into one bad fight one day.. I was already frustrated with his parents treatment, on the top of that he kept blaming me for my behavior in front of them.. but he was not at all ready to accept that his parents had done anything worng.. so I said very strong words.. that if his parents had done anything wrong for our relationship.. they will suffer very badly in their life.. this point struck him.. I got to know later that he thought I meant to say " they will die, if they did wrong to our relationship", but I meant " they will suffer in the same way as we are suffering"

Customer:

Later one day he started having health problems.. we went to physican...his bp was high.. so we were both worried.. but in followup.. doc said its fine.. may be this is stress regarding the upcoming baby

Customer:

but my hubby said, he is feeling tremors.. doc referred to cardio.. cardio said.. he couldnt detect anything.. then brain specialist.. slowly I starting thinking that he has got all this because I said those strong words.. I still believe the same

Customer:

every second he will say, he is having some flashes in eyes.. some sounds in ears.. I was fed up that instead of taking care of me, I am taking care of him.. I had so many fancy dreams about my pregnancy.. and it was even worse than my normal life.. when I would talk about something to change topic, he will say I dont care of his problem

Customer:

at one point, I said, you keep talking about your pains.. have you ever cared for my pain, he said that the pains in the pregnancy are known.. so its expected, but his pain is not known to any doctor

Customer:

I requested him to show to some psychiatrist.. but he got angry that, instead of trying to know the problem, I am saying its his mental problem..

Customer:

He is so upset that I am not able to believe his condition

Customer:

I am upset that for some unknown pain, he wasted the most precious time of our life

Customer:

okay.. so obviously the study was on hold..

Customer:

baby was born.. his parents came to support us in initial days.. but again they created more problems by imposing their parenting skills on me and getting upset if I denied to follow

Customer:

His parents wanted to carry the baby all the time, even during nights saying that I should take rest.. but as a new mom, I was not ready for that.. I was fine if they play with baby for sometime.. but once the baby is with them, they would never give back, I had to go and ask for the feeding

Customer:

but my hubby thought that they are kind and I am the villan

Customer:

then, parents went.. now he switched job.. we relocated .. after some steadyness in life.. we both decided that he should study..

Customer:

but then during his study, my parents were to visit to celebrate baby's first birthday.. he was not ready to invite them.. for two reasons.. 1. his study, 2. I didnt treat his parents properly

Customer:

I somehow convinced him to let my parents stay just for 7 days.. he need not come out during his study..

Customer:

they came... during the 5 weekdays.. he just said hi/hello.. on weekend he took all of us...his plan was good.. but somehow, he was not that open to them.. as per me.. for him he did the best and how dare I complain his behavior specially with my background with his parents

Customer:

after that his project suddenly finished, and he had to prepare about the new projects.. that means study on hault

Dr. Z :

Okay, well that was a lot

Customer:

sorry

Dr. Z :

Its okay, you had to get it off your chest

Customer:

so, he kept bringing study in every step of our life

Customer:

yesterday, he was watching match at 3am.. so I got very angry

Dr. Z :

I mean if you look at what you just wrote, you literally almost wrote 50 minutes straight of material and this means that couples therapy has to happen because you and him have a lot of pent up issues that need to be addressed and cannot be ignored.

Dr. Z :

You husband is not taking your feelings into account anymore and is just dismissing them. If he is unwilling to work on the relationship by going to therapy, then you may need to end the relationship at least temporarily because you will not be able to be happy if things continue like this

Dr. Z :

Right now if he will not listen, your options are unfortunately limited.

Customer:

there is one more problem

Dr. Z :

Oh okay

Customer:

my sister got divorced 2 years back

Customer:

so, my husband and his family thinks that my parents didnt raise us properly

Customer:

my parents have suffered a lot and are still suffering in society due to my sisters divorce

Customer:

I dont think, they can take anymore

Customer:

besides, I have seen how children suffer in society if their parents are seperate... I dont want my baby to suffer

Customer:

I know she is already suffering due to the tension in our relationship.. but atleast I can protect her from the bad eyes of society

Dr. Z :

Well society is more open to divorce and separation these days. Also your child will most likely suffer more if your husband continues behaving down this path and you will definitely suffer more, but that is your decision. I do not want to see you two get separated, but I feel that your issues cannot be resolved unless he is willing to talk openly about them with a therapist to help him change and allow for both of you to compromise.

Customer:

not our society.. I think this point is going to matter in the thepary.. weather individual or couple therapy.. the cultural difference..

Dr. Z :

I understand, but your husband's behavior will not change without some intervention and in fact it may get worse over time unfortunately

Dr. Z :

I just want you to know what to expect

Customer:

I have seen my parents suffering, I get scared to death, when my husband threats to discuss our problems with them..

Dr. Z :

I am sorry that you are going through this

Customer:

I know I am in a situation where there is no solution.. but, I am alive only for my baby.. I dont know how can I raise her with one hand while pushing these problems with another hand

Customer:

is there any therapy to just distract pain from going to hear?

Customer:

*heart?

Customer:

a painkiller for heart?

Dr. Z :

No unfortunately there is no therapy or medication that can do that. You can heal from pain in the heart, but the first step in that healing is to escape the situation that is causing you pain

Dr. Z :

But I would encourage you to go to individual therapy and it may help you better handle this situation. It could not hurt

Customer:

well.. that will give pain to my loved ones.. so, better to bear pain myself

Dr. Z :

I do not know how much longer you will be able to bear this pain

Dr. Z :

You are in a difficult situation with no easy solutions unfortunately

Customer:

I dont know, I am not feeling like ending this chat.. I am like.. there must be some solution........sorry..

Customer:

I am just typing what is coming in mind.. I know I am behaving stupidly..

Customer:

sorry to take advantage of not having face to face conversation.. as you can not just sit when the subject is over

Customer:

okay.. thats it.. I am done.. thanks for your help..

Dr. Z :

You are not taking advantage of this chat, and I wish there was a solution to this, but your husband is not willing to compromise or to seek therapy to help your marriage. I cannot make him do anything he does not want to do and neither can you, he must willingly want to seek therapy to help rebuild your marriage and make it stronger than before.

Customer:

I love him.. feels bad to talk behind his back

Customer:

but, I am hurt and the reason is him

Dr. Z :

You are just telling the truth and venting to someone who will listen

Dr. Z :

It is natural because when you vent to him, he just dismisses it or says that it is your fault.

Dr. Z :

Without therapy or any other kind of intervention, your husband will not change and this will get worse for you unfortunately

Customer:

venting feels better..

Customer:

my husband thinks I am horrible person.. he has made up his mind

Customer:

I think, if I try to remove any expectations from life.. I can be happier

Dr. Z :

If that is what you want to do, then you can try that

Customer:

its hard..

Customer:

but, i think I can give myself a chance

Customer:

check how strong I can be..

Customer:

will see you again if I fall weak..

Dr. Z :

Well that if you think you can, then go for it, but I still think therapy is the most effective option for both of you

Dr. Z :

I understand. I wish you the best of luck and I hope it all works out well for you and your husband

Customer:

okay.. I will talk to my husband at some happy moment.. about the therapy.. but in parallel I will start my therapy

Dr. Z :

I think that is a good plan, I wish you all the best. If you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me at anytime

Customer:

you know.. when I think in inside my mind, I dont take seriously

Customer:

now, I have told this idea to you.. I will be answerable to you.. so I will try hard..

Customer:

sure.. Thanks for your help!

Dr. Z :

Anytime, always happy to help :)

Customer:

bye.. good night!

Dr. Z :

Good night

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4271
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 8 months ago.
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