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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5968
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My husband likes to fantasize about me having with other

Resolved Question:

My husband likes to fantasize about me having sex with other men to the point he isn't turned on by anything else. This really upsets me because he likes for us to role play this and has even talked about acting on it in reality. I love my husband and want to be faithful and feel like these fantasies are becoming a problem. I used to play into them but more recently I just feel like they are wrong and we should be faithful to each other. Subsequently, the fantasies are all he really gets into anymore and I am completely turned off by them to the point I get angry when he brings them up. Please help?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z :

hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am sorry that your husband's sexual fantasies are causing you this much distress, I can definitely understand your concern regarding his behavior

Dr. Z :

May I ask, for how long has your husband been having these fantasies of you having sex with other men?

Customer: Well when we were dating, about seven years ago, we went through a rough patch where I wanted a more serious relationship than he did, and he became "emotionally unavailable" and told me to date other people. I cheated on him and when I confessed, it brought us closer together and a year later we married. It started right around the time we married. I was obese at the time, weighing almost 400 pounds and very insecure emotionally and physically so I thought the fantasies were connected to when I cheated and felt I deserved to be degraded for what I had done and went along with them. They weren't all the time, and we had a good sex life otherwise. However I had gastric bypass a year ago and have lost 200 pounds and have gained more self esteem and have a higher self worth and feel like I don't want to be involved in these fantasies anymore. But it's like he can't function sexually without them. I don't understand why a man would want his wife having sex with other men and to me, it feels like cheating and causes me guilt. I just want to know if I'm wrong or if he is or if we can find a compromise
Dr. Z :

Well first off, congratulations on losing the weight I know how much of a journey that must have been for you. And also this is not your fault at all. Your previous thought about him wanting to "degrade" you because of the affair was very astute and not without merit, but because he has been continuing this desire I feel that your husband suffers from a Sexual Paraphilic Disorder called Troilism.

Dr. Z :

This is where there are three people involved sexually in the bedroom (it comes from menage a trois), but not everyone is involved in the sexual intercourse and one can just be watching

Dr. Z :

Now paraphilic disorders are just a fancy of saying an uncommon sexual interest that sexually arouses an individual.

Dr. Z :

The best treatment for this would be seeing therapist that specializes in sex therapy and one that practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) if your husband wants to inhibit this fantasy he has

Dr. Z :

Did you have any questions or concerns at all?

Customer: Would it be beneficial to go with him to the therapist? Would it help to try to give in to these fantasies and play along?
Dr. Z :

It seems like you do not like these fantasies or find pleasure in them, so I think if you continue to "play along" then it will just reinforce his desire for them and it may escalate where he may want to bring in a third person to be sexually intimate with you while he watches. A therapist that specializes in sexual therapy can be coordinate couple's therapy as well, so you are more than welcome to join in during the session as it can be more beneficial for your husband's treatment

Dr. Z :

Would you like me to recommend some therapists in your area?

Customer: If you wouldn't mind, I would appreciate that and I am also communicating with him what you are saying to see if he has any questions
Dr. Z :

Sure he can ask me anything if he likes. What is your zip code so I can look in your area and compile a good list for both of you

Customer: 39168
Dr. Z :

Okay give me a few minutes to compile a good list for both of you

Dr. Z :

So these three therapists in your area specialize in Sexual Therapy and also specialize in CBT therapy, so I think they are the best that will work to successfully treat this issue.

Dr. Z :

Do both of you have any questions or concerns that I can help with?

Customer: I'm asking him. Give me just a moment please.
Dr. Z :

Of course, take your time.

Customer: Are there any websites that deal with this topic and that might be beneficial?
Dr. Z :

Well there are not many on Troilism as this is very uncommon, but there are a few explanatory websites on paraphilias for you

Customer: What if I can't convince him to go to see a therapist? How do we deal with it then? :(
Dr. Z :

Many paraphilias are harmless and if they are expressed by consenting adults, then usually there is no issue, but because this causes you discomfort in the relationship is why I recommended treatment. Well if you cannot convince him to seek therapy then that does mean you cannot go to therapy by yourself. Many times the other spouse will be curious about therapy and join in and contribute. But his behavior and fantasies will not abruptly stop without therapy and this will cause you increasing discomfort and less motivation for physical and emotional intimacy with your husband I am afraid

Dr. Z :

So if you cannot convince him to seek treatment, then it would be harmful for your marriage I am afraid to say

Customer: I think I understand. So there really is no middle ground or compromise, right?
Dr. Z :

Usually there is not with these paraphilias and it usually escalates beyond just role-playing because as you mentioned your husband is not turned on by anything else but this fantasy

Dr. Z :

I wish there was more of a middle ground, but it would be difficult to achieve without the therapy that I mentioned

Customer: Okay thank you very much for your time.
Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help and I truly hope that your husband agrees to seek therapy to help you and your marriage. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z :

Oh and also when you finish rating me, this chat will be sent as a link to your email, if it has not already, so you can always use it for future reference. In addition, this chat will be saved in your JA account under My Questions so you can always go back to it when you need to

Customer: Thank you again.
Dr. Z :

You are most welcome :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5968
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Psychologist
5368 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.