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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My wife has been going to a bar alone, drinking, shooting pool

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My wife has been going to a bar alone, drinking, shooting pool flirting with men and then performing oral sex on them in cars in the parking lot. This is a bar both of us have been to on a regular basis. Some of the men she knew and others were complete strangers. So she has had multiple encounters with, repeat customers. We have a healthy or regular sex life including oral sex on a very regular basis. Her therapist has allowed her to open up about her childhood environment, filled with cheaters and poor role models. Her father used to bring his girlfriend to their home when she was growing up and this was the behavior she witnessed as a child. We have two children and within 90 days of our second child being born she has admitted to doing this again. She says it has stopped and she has been and remains in therapy. I now know she suffers from low self esteem. Her girl friends are not helping as they have used her as bait to lure guys out since she is the good looking one and her friends get the wingman. I don't know if she is trying to get even with me for her father's bad behavior or if is driven by the power thing, having total control over a man while his penis is in her mouth. What drove her to this behavior? We have not begun marriage counseling as her individual psychologist wants to explore her individual behavior first. Is there a true chance of saving her and my marriage? I have invested years in this marriage and family and I guess I am not ready to walk away so quickly. Maybe I should run away but I have not reached that point. I equate her to an addict needing to go through recovery. The one thing I struggle with is regardless of her childhood, we all know right from wrong. She has admitted she knew her behavior was wrong but she choose to do it anyway.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 8 months ago.
Hi and welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

I applaud you for your insight and to your commitment to yourself, her and your family. She does have a sexual addiction and I am thrilled she is in therapy and I also agree with her therapist that right now the individual issues need to be explored first as this is less of a marital issue and more of an individual one. I would suggest that you find your own therapist so that you have a safe place to explore your feelings as this is not an easy road for you.

It sounds as if she plays out her feelings, insecurities and anxieties through sex and gains feelings of control and self esteem by performing these random acts. My guess is that she is by the negative feelings afterward, but her compulsion to do so overrides her knowing that this isn't the best behavior for herself, you and her family.

you sound like a loving man and so i would suggest sitting tight for a bit and getting yourself the support that is needed while she goes through her treatment. After some time marital therapy will be good so that you can work out the issues of how this has affected love, trust and security within the marriage. I am sure she knows right from wrong as you ask, but again the illness overrides that. Let me know how this sounds.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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