Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.
What you describe here is a very sad story since it shows how tough it was for you to cope with stressors from so early age, not because of any personal deficiency, but just because of your temperament and predisposition to be more sensitive and perhaps introverted, but mostly because you did not receive the healthy parenting, modeling, support, affection and discipline you needed and deserves to develop a good sense of self-worthiness, esteem, self-confidence and coping skills. You described parents that were not only non supportive but neglectful and abusive, mentally, emotionally and physically, and this could easy explain why your personality, social and coping skills developed they way they did.
The very initial bonding and attachment with parents depend on how mature, assertive and healthy they happen to be as individuals, parents and spouses, since all of that literally shapes a child's mind, heart, self and life, not only as a child but as an adult too.
For little children parents are the equivalent of God on Earth, everything they say, show and do, could be taken as reality, as the truth, no matter how conflicting it could get. A a deep subconscious level, we all internalize everything they give to us, mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, at the social and spiritual level,s everything really.
They are the main authority figures in our psyche-lives, and if we learn to fear them, nor developing a healthy and strong bonding and attachment to them, but get any form of neglect r abuse, even more when we need them the most, it becomes very easy for us to develop mental health and personality disorders, our self esteem would be very poor and we could have a tough time sharing and relating to other people.
After parents or care takers, teaches play a huge role in our psycho-emotional growth and development, they are authority figures too, and if they show lack of understanding, empathy, caring and support, and become abusive or neglectful, then that would certainly not help us n our self-discovery, growth an development processes.
I believe that these core life experiences could have easily shaped and conditioned your sense of self, coping and led to the anxiety problems around other authority figures, including new employers that you have been experiencing. Not knowing how it would be, how respectful, supportive, dysfunctional or abusive new employers and work places could be, could trigger huge anxiety levels, and for a person who has been abused and traumatized for years during early periods of life, and who has not had the chance and support to rehabilitate from such experiences, it could become truly overwhelming.
Does it make sense?
Yes it does probably explains why my lack of trust which becomes interpreted as hostility.
I find that i ofte have to carefully think about how am to approach people that i am not sure about like practiing a scene for a movie.then sometimes i feel i have to overpower people so i feel secure.
Absolutely. I would say you developed defenses and ways of coping adjusted t your limited and non supportive, neglectful and abusive reality, and now that your reality has changed, you still have these patterns, which obviously do not allow you to feel comfortable, nor to cope with changes, challenges and difficulties the way you can and want.
Right, you are just trying to protect yourself and prevent wounding, further abuse as you learned to do as a child.
We all are controlled by the tendencies and patterns developed during these early periods of life, and depending on how healthy or dysfunctional they happened to be, we would have a certain personality, coping and coping skills, self-esteem and self-confidence, base don this core sense of self-worthiness we developed during those life stages.
You are in defensive mode I would say, you get a defensive-protective approach as a way to prevent abuse and pain.
But this approach by itself creates huge levels of anxiety, since we have to be alert most of the time, and we cannot have any control on whatever people think, feel, say or do, then it becomes truly challenging and stressful.
I hope this brings some helpful insight into your situation, and motivates your work on yourself in order to heal and grow stronger and wiser from it.
Psychotherapy is the best source of professional support fur us to work on ourselves, but it needs to be through a competent, ethical and experienced professional, who happens to have a good level of maturity, assertiveness and healthy life style him/herself, otherwise it would not be helpful, and could become counterproductive too.
Please feel free to ask any further questions you may have or to contact me in the future as needed, since i am here willing to support you as possible.
Thank you for your trust.
I have spent many years working on this and believe my anger stemmed not from the abuse itself but the actual negative effect it had on planning my future and dealing with new situations.It is easy to forgive but difficult to deal with the repercussions of it.I appreciate this help,it makes things alot clearer and I can read again to further examine.
I have seen various psychologists especially at those times of stress,depression and needed help coping.In my early years I was not able to jugde them and lent on them as a crutch. I also learnt to deny the severity of my anxiety as this was how my parents dealt with it.It used to worry me how some proffessionals or people were more concerned with being angry with my parents than giving me strategys to cope and i felt quite an immense guilt talking about the history sort of being afraid that my parents will get into trouble or would make them look like bad people.