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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4444
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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hello mental health hotline I have been feeling upset, troubled

Resolved Question:

hello mental health hotline
I have been feeling upset, troubled all day
and I can't shake off this awful feeling.

it all began this morning when I was dragged out of bed by my parent,
when i just wanted to continue sleeping. she got upset when i accidently spilled a beverage and started raging and shouting out of control, she said alot of hurtful resentful things. when she left to go do an errand I was still upset about it all day
my emotions are a twisted trainwreck and i can't calm down.
on top of that she continually will tell me offensive things without even apologizing.
its difficult to talk to someone who relentlessly does that.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that your parent exhibited this behavior towards you, I can imagine how distressing that must have been for you

Dr. Z :

May I ask, how long has this parent being behaving this way towards you?

Customer:

since high school

Customer:

or rather this behavior has intensified since then

Customer:

its gotten worse over the years

Customer:

I also notice that she tries to be controlling

Customer:

and manipulative

Customer:

seems to get an enjoyment from putting me down and saying all the things

Customer:

that get in me in tears in seconds

Dr. Z :

May I ask does she have any low self-esteem at all or has she been under incredible stress?

Customer:

she has been under stress for a long time

Customer:

and she puts herself through more

Customer:

by giving advice to her friends

Customer:

she just became the leader of a prayer group

Customer:

and she goes to a club

Customer:

where people do public speeches

Customer:

she has just been diagnosed with depression

Customer:

also

Customer:

but she manages to make me miserable also

Customer:

she has been seeing outside professional help

Customer:

but I honestly see no improvement

Customer:

its difficult trying to communicate with her

Customer:

its frustrating and I lose all patience

Dr. Z :

That is why I asked about the low self-esteem and stress, most likely her depression causes the low self-esteem and she seeks to put you down to make her feel better, which does not last very long and then she tries to seek validation by doing so much with increases her stress and this causes her more issues.

Customer:

I have tried reasoning and apologizing

Customer:

what bothers me

Customer:

is when I try to have a normal conversation with her

Dr. Z :

I can understand why you are frustrated and I do not blame you. I think she needs a better therapists if it is not helping with her symptoms and possibly the use of an anti-depressant.

Customer:

its like she doesnt care and she will even say

Customer:

that she doesnt care what is it is I have to say

Dr. Z :

Can you go to a psychological therapy session with her and voice your concerns to her therapist?

Customer:

I can find out where it is and go there alone and speak with the therapist

Customer:

its a local agency and they have been treating my mom free of charge

Customer:

but i have seen no changes

Customer:

or a lift in her spirits

Customer:

nearly every night I hear her crying

Customer:

i have sincerely XXXXX XXXXX in with a friend

Customer:

i cant stand it anymore

Dr. Z :

No you actually cannot go alone and speak to the therapist because of medical privacy laws, but I was wondering if you can request a joint session with the therapist because your mom may not be realizing that she is acting this way and I think her therapist would need to know in order to help her

Customer:

oh I see I will try to ask, i dunno how my mom will react or if she will approve

Customer:

that I come along to the therapy

Customer:

but I will insist anyway so I know what is going on

Dr. Z :

I understand, but it may be worth a try, although I do think that moving out would be best for your psyche as you cannot take this emotional and verbal abuse much longer.

Dr. Z :

Her depression can cause irritability which is what you are seeing

Customer:

I have put up with it when it all began in high school

Customer:

im a college graduate now

Customer:

i work parttime and thankfully i have my own car

Customer:

i only have peace of mind when im away from home

Customer:

or when my mom is not home

Dr. Z :

Well here is a technique that you can use to vent your frustration in a more assertive and appropriate manner towards your mother. It may not make a difference with her, but at least you will get a chance to vent and express your anger/frustration

Customer:

or when Im out with friends

Customer:

thank you

Customer:

however there is another problem that concerns me

Dr. Z :

I understand, it probably may be time to at least think about and plan on moving out because this abuse is getting too much

Customer:

lately ive noticed my mom gets offended because of my friends

Customer:

she even told they are worthless

Customer:

she has an unrealistic standard for who I can befreiend

Customer:

its hurt my social life considerable

Customer:

I have gone weeks without visitng my friends

Customer:

much less calling them

Customer:

and when i am talking to them or when my mom knows that I am socializing with them

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry to hear this

Customer:

she criticizes me for seeing them

Customer:

its because of this town we live in

Customer:

we onced owned a house

Customer:

but we had to move into temporary residences

Customer:

my mom and i live in a one bedroom one bathroom house

Customer:

she sleeps in the living room

Customer:

while i stay in the one room

Customer:

the house is small

Customer:

so its the perfect set up for volatile things to occur

Customer:

i try to leave this small place whenever i get the chance

Customer:

my mom has deeply scarred my emotions

Customer:

i honestly dont know what to make of reality

Customer:

or what I am supposed to feel

Customer:

i dont even feel remotely alive

Customer:

i feel like im moving a through a mirage

Customer:

days back i went to a party and on my way over there

Customer:

i was on this train

Customer:

the people on the train did not feel real to me

Customer:

they all seemed like illusions

Customer:

its almost like im disconnected from the world

Dr. Z :

Well it sounds like you are in a traumatic situation and constantly exposed to this situation. This sounds like you are going through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Customer:

the sad part is

Dr. Z :

These are all classic symptoms of PTSD. The first thing you have to do is escape the situation, which means moving out

Customer:

thats awful

Customer:

anyway that night when i went to the party,

Customer:

i saw all sorts of people, but I had no courage to go and mingle with them

Customer:

no confidence

Customer:

all i did was wander around and dance the night away

Customer:

in the past, my mom would accompany me

Customer:

but her presence takes away from the experience.

Customer:

she would always insist on coming

Customer:

i would even go so far as to ditch her

Customer:

and she would still catch up

Customer:

luckily my friends and I managed to go to alot of places on our own

Customer:

now that I have a car finally

Customer:

i can go wherever i wish

Customer:

so long as I text my parent where I am

Customer:

i feel like my mom suffocates me though

Customer:

with her constant chaperoning

Customer:

and all that

Customer:

ive come to resent her for it

Customer:

unfortunately

Customer:

i see my friends and there parents

Customer:

and some of them

Customer:

dont seem to care what their kids are doing

Dr. Z :

And well she is lonely, that is a part of the depression, but when she is with you she emotionally and verbally abuses you too. It sounds like your mom is very attached too you and may have attachment issues. Attachment issues, depression, anxiety, anger, and mood swings are all symptoms of a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder, which may be what your mother has

Dr. Z :

It is a very severe disorder and requires a special type of therapy to treat it

Customer:

yeah I notice that my mother seems more composed and so unlike herself

Customer:

when she is with friends or doing a public speech

Customer:

what I find disturbing is that

Customer:

she seems open

Customer:

to resolving other peoples problems and issue

Customer:

rather than hours

Customer:

*ours

Customer:

she is great at giving advice

Customer:

from what Ive heard her say on the phone to her friends

Customer:

it upsets me that she takes the time to help her friends with their problems

Customer:

and whenever I try to bring up a concern or problem i have

Customer:

she says she doesnt want to listen

Customer:

or accuses me that i am bringing my problems home with me (well that is what she says)

Customer:

she will even blame me and say that its my fault

Customer:

my mom is a religious lady

Customer:

but all the offensive things she has ever said to me were all completely ungodly

Customer:

even for a christian woman

Dr. Z :

I am sorry that you are being treated in this way by your mother, but it will not get better for her unless she receives the right treatment or if she gains insight that she is treating you in this way, which so far she has no insight on this

Customer:

the horrible thing about it is that she always justifies

Customer:

what she says

Dr. Z :

You are right that she is treating you in an un-ChristXXXXX XXXXXke way, but you cannot control her behavior, you can only control your actions and behavior. You can try going to a therapy session with her and contribute, but I really think that you have to move out for the sake of your own mental health

Customer:

now that you have told me that i have ptsd

Customer:

things make much more sense

Customer:

i have been waking in the middle of the night

Customer:

in cold sweets

Customer:

*sweats

Customer:

with my heart pounding

Dr. Z :

Well PTSD can be treated very successfully and most likely it is a response to your mother's emotional and verbal abuse towards you.

Customer:

in the past

Customer:

lately not so much

Customer:

i cant even remember any of the nightmares

Dr. Z :

Well I would like to recommend some good books that can help you with your symptoms

Customer:

i considered seeking group therapy and outside help

Customer:

yes please

Dr. Z :

And also this book may help you understand your mother's behavior more too

Customer:

still this all very surprising and horrifying for me

Customer:

there are so many unresolved

Customer:

things that bothers me about my mom

Customer:

my mom is always so unpredictable

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry to hear that, maybe you joining her therapy sessions can be a regular thing to help resolve those things that bother you

Customer:

she can be happy for one moment

Customer:

then the next she becomes volatile like a raging volcano

Dr. Z :

That is classic BPD right there

Customer:

her emotions change

Customer:

so she is also bi polar

Customer:

she doesnt even take medication for that.

Customer:

that is why i am so upset with that agency she goes to

Customer:

they seem to have perpetuated the problem

Dr. Z :

No Borderline Personality Disorder is BPD

Customer:

from what it was before

Dr. Z :

Her moods change too rapidly for it to be Bipolar Disorder

Customer:

oh

Customer:

woops

Customer:

my friend said he would help me

Customer:

and would let me stay with him

Customer:

but since he has to pay for housing

Customer:

i need to help out by paying 400 a month

Customer:

however my retail job pays me 200- 300 every two weeks

Customer:

sometimes lower than I would like

Customer:

as additional info

Customer:

my mom took my credit card and payed the house rent for one month

Customer:

i have been harrased by the bank collectors because of her

Customer:

i currently owe about 1000

Customer:

but luckily i had spoken with a banker and i explained what my mom did without my knowlegde

Customer:

they said they would drop it to 600

Customer:

i have considered taking legal action

Customer:

but i dunno what the repercussions will be

Customer:

if i do that

Customer:

im scared that if i stay any longer

Customer:

my mom will hurt my credit

Dr. Z :

I am sorry that your mom did this, the stealing your credit card and making these purchases without your knowledge is associated with BPD too. If you do take legal action you will have to do so after you move out, but first I suggest finding a way to move out because it is obvious that it is not healthy for you to live there

Customer:

i even went to so far as to confront her about it

Customer:

my biggest issue with moving out

Customer:

is that my job is faraway from my friends house

Customer:

i have tried transfering to a closer branch

Customer:

but my manager is not letting me do that

Customer:

giving me different excuses each time

Customer:

i found out our staff is limited

Customer:

i dunno if I should go to the head manager

Customer:

and tell her why its urgent that I transfer

Customer:

and if she will accept my petition

Dr. Z :

I am sorry, I can imagine that the job situation is tough out there and makes your choices limited, but I am just letting you know that you will not get better until you escape her abuse.

Customer:

i guess i will have to either resign or secure another job before i do

Dr. Z :

I think that may be best, XXXXX XXXXX not to delay or at least try to spend as little time in that house with your mom

Customer:

i actually did consider

Customer:

running away with my car

Customer:

and heading to my friends house

Customer:

at night

Dr. Z :

Well do not do anything impulsive, make a plan that makes sense and that you would not be sacrificing too much financially

Customer:

my mom has been saying that she wants me to leave and she even threatens to kick me out

Customer:

but she never does

Customer:

is that part of her personality disorder?

Customer:

I dont want my mother to know I am moving out

Dr. Z :

Yes it is very much a part of BPD, the attachment issues and the "I hate you, I love you" back and forth

Customer:

i notice she always tries to alter or change my mind

Customer:

on things

Customer:

with success

Dr. Z :

Well try not to let her manipulate you like that now that you are cognizant of it

Dr. Z :

Just plan to move out by yourself and then one day when she is not there just move out

Customer:

also i have one last problem

Customer:

i put up with her abuse

Customer:

because

Customer:

of my pets

Customer:

my pet cat and dog

Customer:

i love those two very much

Customer:

my mom threatened to put them up for adoption if i tried to run away or leave

Customer:

my friend has her pet cat and i dunno if mine will get along with hers

Customer:

if i cant bring my dog

Customer:

i will leave him with my mother

Customer:

so he keeps her company

Customer:

but i want my cat with me

Customer:

i also considered

Customer:

visiting my mother after i move out

Customer:

so there is no ill will between us

Customer:

but based on what youve just told me

Customer:

is that even a good course of action?

Dr. Z :

I would only visit her if it was in a public place for lunch, dinner, or coffee for example. That way the public space may quell her abuse towards you

Dr. Z :

Now with the animals, you can try to bring your cat with you that is a good idea and if you truly think that she will not put the dog up for adoption then I guess you can leave the dog with her

Dr. Z :

Or you can give the dog to a friend that will take care of him/her

Customer:

the bizarre thing about this is that things will seem alright for days on end

Customer:

then an incident like this morning will just occur

Dr. Z :

And they will continue to occur in an unpredictable fashion, that is what happens with individuals that have a diagnosis of BPD.

Customer:

i can see if my godparents can take care of my dog

Customer:

and since my friend loves cats i guess he wont mind

Customer:

so long as we keep our cats apart

Customer:

just in case

Customer:

they dont get along

Customer:

sometimes though when my mom do go to a public place

Dr. Z :

That is true, you can also try bringing your cat over once or twice as a test run to see if they get along

Customer:

and I*

Customer:

and i do just about anything to set her off

Customer:

she will even try putting me down in public

Customer:

so far she has done that 3 times

Customer:

once when i was 11

Customer:

at a themepark

Customer:

2nd time in front of my friends

Dr. Z :

Well if she does that, then just get up and leave and tell her when she starts treating you like an adult you will meet her again

Customer:

i feel really bad talking of my mother in this way

Customer:

but sincerely XXXXX XXXXX all the negative things that have taken place

Customer:

on both our accounts

Customer:

has affected my outlook towards friendships

Customer:

and trying to be sociable

Customer:

my confidence has been battered

Customer:

i havent even bothered entering the dating scene

Customer:

i felt like wasnt worthy

Customer:

subconsciously

Customer:

my mom even went to so far as to discourage me from seeing certain friends

Customer:

when i was 11 and i came home from school

Dr. Z :

I understand and this is why this living situation is not healthy for you and you should leave for you

Customer:

my mom told me out of the blue

Customer:

that all my friends every single one of theme

Customer:

did not care about me

Customer:

and that they dont love me

Customer:

like i love and care about them

Customer:

i dunno if she told me that to isolate me

Customer:

or to keep me from getting hurt

Customer:

but it has made me more distrustful of people

Customer:

since then

Dr. Z :

She told you that to bring you down and isolate you, remember she has attachment issues

Customer:

when i look back on it

Customer:

i resent her for it

Dr. Z :

You need to escape this situation before it gets worse for you

Customer:

i spent all of 6th grade

Customer:

friendless

Customer:

based on what she said

Dr. Z :

Well you cannot change the past, you can only change your present so try to focus on the here and now

Customer:

it wasnt until 7th grade that I finally made more friends to make up for it

Customer:

i just explaining the extent of the damage she has done

Customer:

and I realize now

Customer:

that what she did was purely

Customer:

wether intentional or not

Customer:

to be completely evil

Dr. Z :

I know it was and I am sorry you had to experience this, but now you have a plan on how to escape this and live your life the way you want to

Customer:

i will have to take a chance and leave my dog with my mom until i find someone who is willing to take care of him

Dr. Z :

I think that is a good plan

Customer:

i plan to leave when she isnt home

Customer:

and try to find a stable retail job to help me pay rent

Customer:

or i can just keep my old job and tell my friend if he is ok with it

Customer:

until i can find a higher paying job

Customer:

my old plan was to stay until i had saved up enough money

Customer:

but in this case

Customer:

i cant really stay if I want to get better

Dr. Z :

I understand, and it may be tough for a little while, but the sooner you can leave the better for your psychological health

Customer:

and lead a happier life

Customer:

im going to tell my friend about it tommorrow over the phone when my mom isnt there

Customer:

and see if he and i can figure out a date for when i can leave and move in

Customer:

im worried my friend will change his mind

Dr. Z :

I think that is a good plan for you

Customer:

i have had difficulty saying it to him out in the open that iwant to move in with him

Customer:

im worried he will change his mind

Customer:

he said at the beginning that he would gladly let me stay at his place

Customer:

the reason why i am so apprehensive about

Customer:

asking directly

Dr. Z :

Well if he does than you will have to come up with a good backup plan, but do not worry about that unless it happens.

Dr. Z :

Ask him first and then take it from there

Customer:

i used to go to my godparents for help whenever my mom was too much

Customer:

when i look back on it

Customer:

though they never seemed to believe me

Customer:

or why it was urgent for me to leave home

Customer:

they even offered to let me stay with them once

Customer:

but when i finally did have the courage to run awau

Customer:

they said i couldnt stay

Customer:

unless i had a car

Customer:

it made me lose all faith in people altogether

Customer:

i just want my friend to keep his promise

Customer:

im hellbent to leave

Customer:

i dont want what happened with my godparents to repeat again with my friend

Customer:

but i will discuss with him tomorrow

Dr. Z :

Well trust your friend and ask him tomorrow, you cannot think negatively about this.

Customer:

thank you for your time and patience

Customer:

i will talk to him about this

Customer:

and hope for the best

Customer:

i appreciate all the insight

Customer:

and based on what youve said

Customer:

now i can finally make sense of it all

Customer:

but once i move out? i still want to seek outside help

Customer:

but im worried i wont be able to afford it

Customer:

but based on what i have told you

Dr. Z :

Well try the books I gave you, they are very helpful and will provide you with techniques for treatment

Customer:

to what extent do i need the the treatment though?

Customer:

will these books help me to treat it myself?

Customer:

entirely?

Customer:

or will i need intensified help?

Dr. Z :

The books should give you some guidance and escaping the situation will help too. If after 2-3 months of not living there and you still feel bad then you may need more extensive treatment, but right now lets use the books to help you as that is a more affordable route

Customer:

alright i will try the books

Customer:

and go from there

Customer:

based on the urgency

Customer:

i will have to leave sooner than planned

Customer:

it was wrong for me to put up with it

Customer:

and delay moving out

Customer:

i realize it not worth waiting

Dr. Z :

I wish you the best of luck and I truly hope that you feel better soon and that your mom gets the treatment that she needs. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Customer:

could you please resend me the links on ptsd

Customer:

before we go?

Dr. Z :

When you finish rating me, this chat will be sent as a link to your email, if it has not already, so you can always use it for future reference. In addition, this chat will be saved in your JA account under My Questions so you can always go back to it when you need to


 

Dr. Z :

So all the links should still be there for you

Customer:

thank you for your help, it all makes so much more sense now.

Customer:

i will do as you advised

Customer:

goodnight and thanks again

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4444
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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