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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi there, Ive been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I love

Resolved Question:

Hi there, I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. I love him very much amd wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. After only about 2 or 3 months he started acting like a little baby and I feel like im his mum/maid.
Hes a hard worker and financially stable but other than that I have to do absolutely everything! The only thing he does foe himself is self higiene(thank god).
Everything else im in charge of it.Cook, wash all the clothes, dishes, clean the house.
I dont feel attracted to him anymore and dont even want to have sexual relations, but when I dont, he gets grumpy.
Hes 26 and previously had a 38 yo gf and I feel like im 40 or older looking after a little baby. Please help!this is getting me down..I used to love doing things for myself, working out etc but now I feel like all my energy is put into him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is very serious since it shows an adult person who presents not only very immature but dysfunctional behaviors

Customer:

What should I do? I plan on moving out so I can breath and not cook and clean all the time

Customer:

Hes the first men I ever trust and he cares about me but this situation is making me think of other men

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. This person is presenting signs of very immature and dysfunctional behavioral patterns, I'd say of personality disorders, sine he is not able nor willing to take care of himself nor to play a healthy role in the relationship as a responsible and mature adult

Customer:

Hes responsible and all but I think to myself what would he do if I wasnt here to wash his clothes etc.

Customer:

Sometimes if I forget to wash or do something he jas no clothes next day!its like hes a 5 yo

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You appear to have taken a very codependent role, not only tolerating but enabling this very unhelahty and I'd say manipulative and abusive situation.

Customer:

I know that if I say something thibgs might change..but he's that much of a baby je would probably cry

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then this is much more serious than what I though, and I can tell you with confidence taht codependently enabling him would not help him nor you but deepen hi smental and personality disorders while undermining your mental health and life.

Customer:

Im living at his place coz I had no where to go when my lease was finished, but now I want to find a place of my own so I have some peace. I wake up at 4:30am just to make him coffee..when he finishes his meal after I cooked he asks for more and wont even get up to get it himself

Customer:

I cook..clean

Customer:

everything. .I complete ly lost my desire of sexual relations and he gets grumpy if I dont have sex..

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely because this is not a healthy relationship at all, but as you said. you have taken a maternal role here, but the core issue is that he is not an infant but an adult,a d your partner!

Customer:

I just don't know what to do or say to change this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to truly assess your core needs and expectations from a relaitionship, and from there decide what you are willing to afford or not here

Customer:

Hes perfect except for me being his mum

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you want to be in this relaitonship like a mother raising and spoiling a child, then that would be it, just be aware of your choice and the consequences you would have to afford

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But if what you want is a mature, responsible, caring, understanding partner who really show ability, willingness and accountability to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship with you as a team, then obviously this person is far away from that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to assess reality the way it is right now, just see how you feel at every level and what would happen in the long run.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you feel truly happy, fulfilled and good with yourself about your life and this relationship the way it is?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The first 2-3 months he acted like a real boyfriend as you said, but now it is far away from being an adult boyfrined

Customer:

Yes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do not even feel more attraction, he is "grumpy" as you said

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

you are getting depressed because of it, and I do not see how you could feel any better nor this relationship evolved into a healthy and fulfilling one without dramatic changes in his behavior and perspnality

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and for that I truly believe he will need professional psychotherapy to work on his rehabilitation process, since these are not superficial or little problems, but serious disorders in his personality and the way he builds his life and relatiosnhips

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please reflect on your reality, this person is obviously using, neglecting and abusing you at multiple levels, emotionally, financially, materially. You are not his mother or servant but his adult girlfriend, thus it is unacceptable for him to act this way, and self-sabotaging for you to tolerate and enable him.

Customer:

Agreed

Customer:

thanks for the help

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need and deserve at least a person who respects you, and he has not shown ability not willingness to even acknowledge how dysfunctional and abusive he has become towards you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please read about codependency, this is very important, you need to respect, love and take good care of yourself, having around people who truly respect and support you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

coda.org has information on codpendency

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

"Codependent No More" is a good book about it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
1851 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach