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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My live-in BF (~2 1/2 years) and I are on the verge of breaking

Resolved Question:

My live-in BF (~2 1/2 years) and I are on the verge of breaking up. Things started great, we raised a puppy together, bonded over our broken pasts (divorced parents, unfaithful ex's), and he even helped me through my worst panic attack ever (though he didnt talk to me for 2 days, later claiming he was scared but i shouldnt blame him for it)

Things have been going downhill in the past year... he's gotten mad at me before for judging him when he snorted a certain drug he had left over from new years eve in order to stay up and play video games with his little brothers (he's called me an idiot before in front of them too, but later apologized), he's punched holes in doors in our home and got mad when i recently reprimanded him for bragging about "blood-choking" some man in a bar until the man "pissed himself" out of fear because the guy was hitting on one of his female coworkers incessantly...

The final straw was last week when I told him I wanted to study abroad in Italy for 6 weeks and he said it was selfish of me, because I'm not putting our relationship as a priority by saving $6000 to travel rather than to put towards traveling together, I told him it's been my dream to travel and he told me he chose not to go into the marines for me so he doesn't get why I'd want to even consider leaving him for 6 weeks just to study in Italy (he claims he'll freak out about me cheating, also).

I don't know what to do, I'm so lost... we have SO many interests in common, we've had so many good memories and we share so many inside jokes, and intimate moments i'll never be able to let go... but i'm afraid at the age of 22 there isn't much for me to hold onto. i've given him ultimatums in the past that he needs to go see a psychiatrist (he admits he had chronic depression that needs to be treated) but he's never followed through (due to money, he claims). he's very intelligent, he's adored at his work for how hard working he is and his ability to solve problems, so when i leave our fights feeling wrong and incompetent i feel like he's probably right since he's so smart...

My family and friends do not approve of my relationship, but that's only because they've heard my side... i can be messy, disorganized and i have bad anxiety (he yelled at me tonight because i complain all the time about school/work, when i'm really just trying to vent to my best friend), but i've seen a psychiatrist in the past and am adamant in taking my prescribed ADHD medicine.

I'm afraid of my sanity. I'm terrified I am just playing a victim and that I'm ignoring him for his good qualities and the amount that he has changed (he drinks less, bites his tongue more, has written short-term and long-term goals). I'm so lost, I'm afraid I'm going to go into a depression if I leave him and fail out of school and slack at work.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here seems truly very concerning, sad and frustrating, because it shows how much you care about this person, how much you have attached to him and built dreams about your future while trying to fight feelings of depression and a panic disorder that has not been easy to cope with for sure, while at the same time you have felt very hurt because of different concrete issues in your relationship.

Customer:

In the past we've worked so hard, we've had talks until we were both literally in tears but it just doesn't seem to be working. We share an apartment and a car (my dad said if we ever broke up he'd help him with rent and a car for awhile) and I know he'd take the breakup very, very hard, as would I. Some days I'm convinced he's emotionally abusive, other times I feel as if I'm wrong. My current mental state in the past few months has been non-depressed, I am a bartender and in school and I am satisfied with my social life.

Customer:

I just, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what's best for me or whether I should fight to make this work

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have described concrete very concerning issues which include verbal and emotional abuse and serious poor anger control leading to physical violence incidents where he made these holes in your property...

Customer:

He never seems very remorseful either, but I think he just lacks empathy. It's to a point where I know I'm painting a terrible picture of him but all of these things are true and they're always in the back of my head, and if I ever bring them up he gets mad and accuses me of bringing up the past to hurt him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to hear this has been this tough, but trusting your words I can tell you with certainty that you are not wrong at all, that it would be very self-sabotaging and destructive to deny, avoid or justify these serious issues that have been deeply impacting your mood, mental health and life

Customer:

I have been distancing myself from the relationship, I have been less interested in sex and I know it's not fair to him because I know he's so very much in love with me. He claims he needs me and that I'm his only family and one time he broke down in tears and told me that sometimes the way I act regarding his actions makes him feel as if he deserves to be alone. Those are moment I feel like he has a slight breakthrough and is able to see how his actions affect me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That lack of empathy and accountability is very concerning... yes, he does lack it, and that's very serious since it shows a deficiency in his personality which has been deeply affecting this ability to create a functional relationship with respect, caring , understanding and compassion

Customer:

My question is, would it be healthiest for us both to walk away from the relationship? I love him and I want the best for him and it's to a point Rafael where I just want him to be the best person he can be, and I'm afraid if I leave him he will believe he is unworthy of love due to his past experience

Customer:

I try so hard to convince him to get help

Customer:

I am so afraid of what he will do if I leave him and he's alone, please help me make the right decision

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then he uses blaming to manipulate you, not taking any responsibility for his own actions, and that is just very concerning, painful and hurtful, since it literally destroys the very core of a relationship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is tough for sure, and only you know how overwhelmingly painful it feels. What I can tell you is that your first right, need and responsibility is -should always be about respecting, understanding, protecting, loving and supporting yourself, since only this way you can take good care of yourself, and from there build healthy and fulfilling relationships, without allowing anybody to use, abuse. control, manipulate or neglect you under any circumstance.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe you love this person very much, but I also see how this love has not been healthy because of the serious issues he has and denies, his lack of empathy and accountability, and his refusal to get necessary professional psychological treatment to work on himself at these core areas.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He chooses to deny the seriousness of these issues and to blame you, while perpetuating the hurtful and abusive actions, which make impossible for anybody in your shoes to be and feel safe, happy, understood, respected, or truly supported.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your plans around going to Italy to study for this brief period oft time sound wonderful, very proactive and healthy in your life, but his excessive and distorted jealousy, serious anger disorder, lack of empathy, manipulative tendencies and being so trapped in himself just get in the way leaving you feeling more frustrated and alone.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You already suffer of a panic disorder, which is tough to cope with, and I think you are already depressed because of these chronic issues, but even then he chooses to perpetuate his ways, refusing to change, and to get essential professional support to work on his own rehabilitation from his serious issues, while perpetuating the abuse in the relationship.

Customer:

I just feel like I've been so manipulated to a point where there are serious moments where I'm convinced I'm convincing myself I'm a victim, if that makes sense? I'm scared that I've already lost so much respect for myself that I'm just never going to leave the cycle

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see you have been taking responsibility for what he feels, chooses and does in his life and in the relaitosnhip, taking the blame he pushes over you and afraid of what would happen , of his actions if you leave for better, to take good care of yourself, and this shows how much you care, but also how this relationship has been distorted

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It does!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is because you have developed serious codependency

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have allowed so much control, manipulation , blaming and abuse that out of love you end literally not only tolerating but enabling the abuse and hurt, what could never help you nor a relationship at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to start by respecting, loving and supporting yourself, and a relationship should be the best way to promote this work and process on yourself with ideal support from a person who could promote your wholeness, healing, growth and fulfillment, but not by one who shows selfishness, become this manipulative, violent and abusive. That is not good but the worst that you could expose yourself to.

Customer:

You are right, I do enable him. When we're fighting I try so hard to focus on solutions and compromises in a soft, rational tone but he gets so angry and hurt, for example tonight he called me an idiot to my face and repeatedly referred to my thought process as being "dense" and mocked my goals of traveling, learning guitar and mastering a few languages after I graduate in order to better myself. Those are my dreams but he insisted that those doors have closed for me. It's as if I black out in the middle of the fight because I go into it so confident, and I leave it feeling so defeated and wondering what I did wrong?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you have been self-sabotaging and that you do not need nor deserve any of this pain and hurt at all, really nothing justifies exposing to it at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No way! I am very sorry this is awful, and does not show love but pure abuse :o(

Customer:

And he does this thing where I will explain an action that he does to hurt me, such as calling me a name or holding me accountable for emotions that he has such as jealousy, and he'll reply "oh, so I'm a terrible abusive bastard" or "i'm just a condescending piece of shit"

Customer:

He does that on a daily basis

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be truthful and loyal with yourself, respect, love and support yourself, follow your dreams because they are good, worthy an would bring more meaning and fulfillment into your life, they are part of you and would empower you, helping you grow and become wiser as a human being, person and woman.

Customer:

Thank you so much, that means a lot to me because I know I have those feeling of confidence deep down inside me but they're just suppressed right now. I guess one of my last questions will be as to how I leave this relationship in the most peaceful way possible?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He has serious personality disorders, very abusive codependency and I do not see how a person with all these serious issues and abusive ways could play a healthy role in a close relationship at all. it is just absolutely destructive, abusive and manipulative and you have been denying and justifying it out of love that has turned unhealthy, against yourself, very codependent, but you can and need to break this vicious circle as you said, and start your rehabilitation process from it while taking good care of yourself and life as much as you need and deserve around those who truly care and are willing to respect and support you. But you are the most important one, please take your own power back, and start respecting and loving yourself without any excuse leading to any form of sabotage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

as sad and frustrating as it may sound, I do not think there is a harmonious way for this to happen because of his serious issues and abuse, it would not be nice but would be very traumatic and even more abusive, this is why I do suggest you to get support from your father or a person close to you, who happen to be healthy, assertive and supportive to be there with you, otherwise you would be exposing yourself to further abuse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to be very careful since he's been violent and would not react in a mature, respectful and accountable way this time since he has been unable and unwilling to do so in the relaitosnhip

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please look for professional individual psychotherapy to work on your rehabilitation process and coping with this traumatic and painful situation, and join a support group for codependency, in that way you would get the best possible support to take good care of yourself and life.

Customer:

I will definitely involve my father and have him help me carry out the process of moving out. I know this is going to get very ugly, unfortunately, but you have confirmed all of my suspicions

Customer:

I definitely will. I have a therapist I haven't spoken to in awhile who will sure be getting an earful the next time he sees me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you must avoid any confrontation with him, better too get things ready when he is not there with your father and any close friend's support and then you would tell him, not alone but with support and move on from there. It will be tough, and that's why you need to prevent any abuse or violence, but it is essential and should not be delayed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds good!

Customer:

I agree, thank you so very much. You have honestly provided me with the confidence to take the first step in moving on with my life

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle care and consistent actions with necessary personal and professional support, it is tough but necessary and absolutely worthy, you deserve a healthy and fulfilling life, and you are so young that every minute counts for you to build and enjoy this healthy reality

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome, I am very glad to know it's been this helpful,, Thank you for trusting me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me to follow up as necessary, since I am here willing to support you as much as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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