My live-in BF (~2 1/2 years) and I are on the verge of breaking up. Things started great, we raised a puppy together, bonded over our broken pasts (divorced parents, unfaithful ex's), and he even helped me through my worst panic
attack ever (though he didnt talk to me for 2 days, later claiming he was scared but i shouldnt blame him for it)
Things have been going downhill in the past year... he's gotten mad at me before for judging him when he snorted a certain drug he had left over from new years eve in order to stay up and play video games with his little brothers (he's called me an idiot before in front of them too, but later apologized), he's punched holes in doors in our home and got mad when i recently reprimanded him for bragging about "blood-choking" some man in a bar until the man "pissed himself" out of fear because the guy was hitting on one of his female coworkers incessantly...
The final straw was last week when I told him I wanted to study abroad in Italy for 6 weeks and he said it was selfish of me, because I'm not putting our relationship as a priority by saving $6000 to travel rather than to put towards traveling together, I told him it's been my dream to travel and he told me he chose not to go into the marines for me so he doesn't get why I'd want to even consider leaving him for 6 weeks just to study in Italy (he claims he'll freak out about me cheating, also).
I don't know what to do, I'm so lost... we have SO many interests in common, we've had so many good memories and we share so many inside jokes, and intimate moments i'll never be able to let go... but i'm afraid at the age of 22 there isn't much for me to hold onto. i've given him ultimatums in the past that he needs to go see a psychiatrist (he admits he had chronic depression that needs to be treated) but he's never followed through (due to money, he claims). he's very intelligent, he's adored at his work for how hard working he is and his ability to solve problems, so when i leave our fights feeling wrong and incompetent i feel like he's probably right since he's so smart...
My family and friends do not approve of my relationship, but that's only because they've heard my side... i can be messy, disorganized and i have bad anxiety
(he yelled at me tonight because i complain all the time about school/work, when i'm really just trying to vent to my best friend), but i've seen a psychiatrist in the past and am adamant in taking my prescribed ADHD medicine.
I'm afraid of my sanity. I'm terrified I am just playing a victim and that I'm ignoring him for his good qualities and the amount that he has changed (he drinks less, bites his tongue more, has written short-term and long-term goals). I'm so lost, I'm afraid I'm going to go into a depression if I leave him and fail out of school and slack at work.