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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5083
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Anxious & Peru

Resolved Question:

Anxious & Peru
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello again

Dr. Z :

What is the update tonight :)

Customer:

None, I just want to make sure I keep your ratings up

Customer:

jk

Customer:

I do have one for you

Dr. Z :

Haha, very funny :)

Customer:

Today, I drop the dogs off at her place, she was having car trouble, so we talked about the car, and I told her I will help her and we agree on me picking her up later while she rested, I did gave her the present, she liked it :)
So we drop the car off at the mechanich, and we went to lunch and spend some time.. talk for a bit, I told her again I would like to take her to dinner some time and to try to easy off her stress.. but she just say ok..
while driving I asked her "so whats new" and she told me in a upset tone "what kind of question is that"

Customer:

I ws just trying to make a conversation.. I say, we hvnt talk in a while so I wondering how are thing.. dad ok? family ok?

Customer:

so she drop me off and kiss good bye, and I say I will like to come over to after work and spend sometime.. she told me if I dont have a hedache, or feel good.. something along the line like that.. cant remember exacly, so I say ok.

Customer:

she did go to the docs today due to her chronic hedaches.. remember i told u that from her??

Dr. Z :

Yeah I do remember, she definitely sounds over stressed with everything they way she snapped at you in the car from an innocent question

Customer:

so later this evening I asked if the appointment went well she just repply (after a hour) "yes"

Customer:

so I asked her how she felt she say tired.. so I called her and asked her if I was gonna be able to come over... you see this part I struggle alot because I feel as a boyfriend I should not be asking "permission " to come over and see her.
so she say she needed rest and bla bla bla.. so I say " that ok we can do it in the next couple of days" since she is working again.

Customer:

so tomorrow Ill see her again.. Ill take her to pick her car, and thats where we left at things..

Customer:

Lisend to this...

Customer:

she told me her "friend" made her a reservation for a rental car, that she asked 2 other persons , and did not wanted to asked me because she knew I was busy at work..

Customer:

was a little trown out of balance by that, but I "ignore it"

Customer:

she has maily Guy friends back home..

Customer:

has*

Customer:

after we hang up, she told me
Ill see you tomorrow, I love you

Customer:

remember she works night.. so she was tired and only wanted to rest, that another reason she ask someone to help her w rental c..

Dr. Z :

I understand your concern and chronic migraines can cause irritability which she appears to have, and that is expected. I think she did not want to feel like a bother to you and that is why she made the car reservation. Also because you two are not living together, you should ask for permission to come over because that is her independent space and it is courteous and shows that you respect her boundaries.

Dr. Z :

I understand that she is stressed and tired and hopefully when she feels better and gets some free time she will make time to see and spend time with you

Customer:

makes me feel like.. "your my BF...mmmm...but not this week"

Dr. Z :

I know that is how you feel, but if she did not want to be with you she would not have told you she loved you

Customer:

but what about not spending more time or me coming oover?

Dr. Z :

Well like I said hopefully she will get well soon, I can imagine how her migraine headaches are a problem for her and she just wants to rest. When she gets better hopefully her behavior will change and she will spend more time with her. Just do not push her. You have made it known that you want to help her with her stress and now it is her turn

Dr. Z :

to take your offer when she feels up to it.

Customer:

even today, I told her I can help her with money to pay for the car and she Refused.. she say she will ask one of her family member..

Dr. Z :

And she is trying to feel better too so that she can be a good girlfriend to you

Dr. Z :

Do usually pay for things like that?

Dr. Z :

*Do YoU usually pay for things like that for her?

Customer:

no, never have, just trying to be helpful

Dr. Z :

So that is why she refused because she does not want to feel like she is taking advantage of you

Customer:

My mind starts racing w negativity with all this thoughts...

Customer:

that is a Excelent point !

Dr. Z :

Yeah I know it does, but remember your CBT techniques and thinking objectively. If she wanted, she could have taken the money but she didnt

Customer:

true.. what about all this... I feel shes being distant

Customer:

I mean.. do I keep telling her "hey let me know when you dont have a hedache and are not tired"

Customer:

for me

Customer:

is just hard you know..

Dr. Z :

I know, but imagine having constant headaches that are very severe all day every day, it can be quite debilitating

Customer:

so when is she going to have or make the time for me??

Dr. Z :

I cannot answer that, I hope soon, but sometimes these chronic conditions can make the relationship difficult

Customer:

does she even think... "I want to make time for my man?" she even told me today, she will start working at another place, it will requiere a hr drive and more consistantly

Customer:

I understand.. does it seem to you that this is the case?

Customer:

it was diferent when we started tho.

Dr. Z :

How was it different when you started?

Customer:

Sex
more Txt
we stared seing each other more

ofcourse this as all transpired in the past 3 weeks to a month.. hvnt had sex for almot 2 months now

Dr. Z :

Did the headaches get worse for her?

Dr. Z :

in the last 2 months?

Customer:

headaches are the same.. day by day... sometimes worse then other.. she has meds for that but today she went to see a neurologist.

Dr. Z :

But it seems like the headaches may have been getting worse for her and that is why she appears distant too

Customer:

trust me .. its like the wind.. you cant see it but you can feel it.
and I know she takes meds for her hedaches, that she is not lying lol

Customer:

she gets irritable EASSY when she has them

Dr. Z :

I know, but maybe the medicine is not working anymore. Migraine headaches are very tough to treat.

Customer:

and she told me once, I rather you not come over due to my hedaches and because we argue.

Dr. Z :

Well arguing causes her stress and increases her headaches probably

Customer:

I know when she is stresed or has hedaches she likes to be Alone.. on her on room ( what I called her space)

Customer:

she likes to get isolated u kno

Dr. Z :

I think she is trying to put on a brave face and that the headaches are a lot worse for her now

Customer:

I dunno..

Customer:

she was the one that today invite me for lunch, when she drop me off she asked me, so I was already out of the car, and jump back in :
)

Customer:

:)

Dr. Z :

See, she is making an effort to see that is something you need to focus on. Not the times that she does not see you

Customer:

how can I be supportive and tell her I hope her hedaches go away so we can spend time, and that she knows I understand??

Customer:

my mind right now is triggerign "she home now?"

Dr. Z :

Well do not push her or respond in anger/frustration at her will help support her, just take her irritability because that is not her, just the headaches talking.

Dr. Z :

Do not think that way!

Customer:

like.. what can I say? nothing? does she know im being helpful or supportive?

Dr. Z :

I think deep down she knows that you are being supportive by not being jealous anymore and helping her with her car, the dogs, the nice present, etc...she may not express it but she knows.

Customer:

how can I know or tell.. like I asked once before and this might be my problem, that she is not just taking advantage?

Dr. Z :

But she is not taking advantage of you, remember how she did not accept you money for the rental car. If she was taking advantage of you, then she would have taken the money with out hesitation. You have to trust that she is just off because of her medical condition

Customer:

OMG womans are Complicated.. can you imagine her no on period??

Dr. Z :

Haha, yes she is very complicated, but you love her, so you are pretty much stuck with her :)

Customer:

SEE!!!

Customer:

so what do you think about today?

Customer:

any advise ?

Customer:

sometimes I think she uses the Hedaches as a Excuse to hv sex or for me to come over..

Dr. Z :

Well I think you did the right thing by asking her if she wanted to go out to dinner sometime. I am not sure if she is using the headaches as an excuse because then why would she want to go see a neurologist? I think right now you are just going to have to continue to be patient and wait for her headaches to die down, but it would not hurt to ask her about the no sex thing because 2 months is a long time

Customer:

how should I asked and aproach that? now you see with the past patter why my mind triggers all this negativity and gets me anxious and stressed? I dont want to ask the wrong way etc..

Dr. Z :

Truthfully there is not right or wrong way to ask this, but your timing will have to be good. Try to do it when she is not irritable and do it in private, but most importantly just be honest with her.

Customer:

you see why my mind wonders? and triggers all this negativity?

Dr. Z :

I understand, but you also have to think about what she is going through too and her pain as well.

Customer:

my thoughts trigger if shes getting it somewhere else...

Dr. Z :

Just when you ask do not put it in a judgmental tone and ask "did you relaize we have not had sex in awhile?"

Dr. Z :

She would not be as emotionally open with you if she was getting her physical intimacy from somewhere else, so I doubt it.

Dr. Z :

Besides when would she have the time since she works nights a lot, her headaches are bad, and now she does not have a car that works

Customer:

she told me ones.. whe she gets tired of someone she does not give it up...

Dr. Z :

I know she told you that, but I do not think that is the case here. You should ask her and communicate this issue with her, this is normal relationship conversation

Customer:

well.. I hope we can spend time this week man, its been a few weeks now, But I also think my behavior that night kind of separated us a little bit.. is shes still with me its a good sing..unless im the nice guy and shes taking advantafge

Dr. Z :

She is not taking advantage of you, take that thought out of your mind. Communicate about the lack of intimacy with her, it will help to know instead of you just wondering with your negative thoughts

Customer:

ok. hey im seing someone locally staring this monday, weekly sesions to start and then go from there..

Dr. Z :

That is great news, I think it will be very helpful for you :)

Customer:

aso you wont have to deal with me haha

Customer:

no I will still give you updates..trust me you have been awesome

Dr. Z :

Thanks I do appreciate it and definitely give me updates on how it goes with your girlfriend and your therapy sessions :)

Customer:

I will, have a good one and talk to you later
God bless you

Dr. Z :

God bless you as well :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5083
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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