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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I have many doubts about my relationship. We have 10 months

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I have many doubts about my relationship. We have 10 months together. She is the best woman I have ever known. The problem is that I don't know if I love her. I feel so guilty when she says she loves me and I can't say it back. She has a daughter and I just can't incorporate this daughter into my life, she's a beautiful kid but I just can't, don't know exactly why. My girlfriend puts a lot of preassure on me because she wants me to accept her daughter and to take the relationship more seriously but I just can't. I don't know what is wrong with me, I have a great girlfiriend but can't be happy, I feel unthankful on life. I broke up with her and I feel terrible for hurting her feelings, I feel miserable, I don't know if I should get back with her and give it a try. I wish I could force myself in loving her

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having this dilemma, I can imagine how stressful it must be for you

Dr. Z :

May I ask, and this may seem like a silly question but have you ever experienced and felt love before?

Customer:

yes I have

Dr. Z :

Good, so we have a benchmark to compare it to. And now this may be hard, but can you explain what it felt like to be in love with someone. How did that make you feel at the time

Customer:

I felt happy, with no stress, no worries, no questions. When she (my ex) told me "I love you" I always told her back and it felt just right.

Dr. Z :

And was that the last relationship you felt you loved somebody?

Customer:

yes, it ended 3 years ago

Dr. Z :

How and why did it end? If you do not mind me asking

Customer:

She lived in another country, long-distance relationship. We planned to move back together whe she finished her studies. When this happened she moved to my country but not with me. She decided to live 600 miles away. I felt heart broken. After four months like this I told her that I couldn't stand it anymore, then she said if she had to chose between me and her new home, she choses her new home. I felt devastated and ended it right away

Dr. Z :

Do you think its possible that currently you are protecting yourself from falling in love so that you do not get hurt again like that?

Customer:

I thik so

Customer:

think*

Dr. Z :

So do I. Because I think you do love her, but are not allowing yourself to feel that way because you subconscious remembers the pain you were in with your ex. One thing I would suggest is admitting this to your current girlfriend and suggest couple's therapy to help you realize that this woman will not hurt you like that and that you can trust her with your heart.

Customer:

but the again sometimes I feel that I rushed into a new relationship without being truly healed from the other

Dr. Z :

Well it was 3 years ago, so a little after 2 years is when you started this new relationship. That is a long time, but I agree that I think never truly got over the last relationship and I think couples therapy can help you with that too. This woman obviously means a lot to you and I think that trying to make it work in this way is worth the shot.

Dr. Z :

Being still effected from the hurt of your last relationship is akin to grief over the losing that woman. And because it lasted so long, it would be called complicated and unresolved grief

Dr. Z :

Here is a worksheet on grief for you

Customer:

yes, I agree

Customer:

I'm confused weather if it (this grief) is holding me back or made me rush into a relationship with this new girl, because she is great in any way. I care a lot for her because she is a co-worker and we were best friends before getting together

Dr. Z :

Well I think the grief over the loss of your last relationship is what is causing you to be protective over your heart and not admit that you are in love because you do not want to be that vulnerable and get hurt again. Now it could be that you feel rushed into the relationship, but then slowing it down would be a solution. Either way couples therapy can help explore and figure this out for you and her and help you both find a solution to help the relationship succeed if that is still what you want.

Customer:

ok, I'll give it a try, thank you very much

Customer:

(y)

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