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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4522
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I have a boyfriend which Tells me he loves me but i dont believe

Resolved Question:

I have a boyfriend which Tells me he loves me but i dont believe him. First he has Gone through alot and we were seperate when we were younger by my parents he got married and now we aré together but he is careless he calls me whenever he wants and he doesnt like to be told what to do i have explain to him what i want but he told me that he is use to Live like this and that he is learning to be caring since he did't act caring with his wife he Was like a free soul. I am extrimly loveable i adore attention but he is not like that he is also addictive to work i love him soo much but i am scare to loose control i feel that i need him i need to see him talk to him what is wrong with him or me
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello

Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

Please give me a minute to read over your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having this issue with your boyfriend, I can imagine how distressing this must be for you

Dr. Z :

I would like to ask a couple questions to get some more information, so that I can better assist you.

Dr. Z :

May I ask, does your boyfriend like to be in control?

Dr. Z :

Does he like to be praised for his achievements at all?

Customer: Yes but do too
Dr. Z :

Does he believe that he is better than others?

Customer: No
Dr. Z :

You mentioned that he is learning to be caring, does he have issues with showing empathy at all or reading people's emotions?

Dr. Z :

Also does he make eye contact when he talks to people?

Customer: He cares but not in a way that i would wish he is to serious
Customer: Yes
Dr. Z :

And when you talk to him, does he usually have one-sided conversations?

Customer: He talks alot about work
Dr. Z :

Does he have an odd posture or possibly would you describe him as uncoordinated?

Dr. Z :

Also how is he socially? Does he have a lot of friends, or usually does he like to keep to himself?

Customer: No
Customer: He has alot of friends and he is social
Dr. Z :

Would you describe him as selfish at all?

Customer: No
Customer: Am i wrong in needing him soo much
Dr. Z :

I think he definitely does show some ambivalence with is care and empathy, but so far he does not meet any criteria for a disorder.

Dr. Z :

Let me ask you a few questions then

Customer: Okay
Dr. Z :

Do you like getting attention from others in most situations?

Customer: No but would like his
Dr. Z :

And how long have you two been together?

Customer: Six months
Dr. Z :

But you knew him when you were younger, is this correct?

Customer: Yes he Was my first love but my parents sepárate us when we were 18
Customer: He got married has two daughters and i am scare to lose him
Dr. Z :

I definitely think he has issues with showing and expressing his emotions to you for some reason. But I also think that you are attached to him greatly and that your fear of losing him causes you to try to keep him closer, but this only will drive him away more. You have to give him some space to allow him to be more affectionate with you on his terms.

Customer: So is wrong expect him to call me everyday i dont know what is wrong with me
Customer: I Was never this way
Dr. Z :

I think because he was your first love that you are subconciosly thinking someone will take him away from you, like when you were 18, and this is why you are so attached to him. He does not have to call you everyday if he does not want to. Your love for each other should transcend this.

Customer: So how do i stop this
Dr. Z :

Well you are going to need to control your anxiety and not focus on the negative thoughts that he may leave. I think some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques will help you. CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

Dr. Z :

In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping lessen anxiety symptoms. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.

Dr. Z :

Also individuals with anxiety have a poor coping mechanism, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better.

Dr. Z :

These two books are also really effective in helping manage anxiety as well.

Dr. Z :

So these techniques will help you think more objectively and not focus on those negative thoughts that he may leave or not care for you. So for instance if he does not call, these techniques will just help you think that he still loves, but he may be busy or tired, that is natural

Customer: Thank u
Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I believe with these techniques you will be better equipped to develop a good solid relationship with him. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer: One thing we spoke in The morning and he got to hung up because he Was working but i Was upset for something i got mad because he did't call me later to ask me IF Was find soo i call him he said IF we could see each Other so we could talk but i told him that we had a busy schedule so not to worried so wat do i do now
Customer: He probably thinks i am crazy
Dr. Z :

Well since you initiated the last call, let him call you back. Make him pursue you

Dr. Z :

I do not think he thinks you are "crazy" at all, I think he realizes that you love him a lot

Dr. Z :

Try the techniques, and hopefully that will help with your anxiety and then you will not be so anxious needing him there all the time and this space will foster his independence and allow him to be more affectionate with you and not forced.

Customer: Okay
Dr. Z :

It will work, give it time and be patient. This will help him get used to everything and slowly he will start to show you more affection, but he seems like he is slow in this area, and may need some space to do it because he is not the most emotional person

Dr. Z :

Anything else you need or that I can help you with?

Customer: No think u
Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. I wish you and your boyfriend all the best. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.

Dr. Z :

Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Dr. Z :

Also this is a good book that you may find interesting too

Customer: .
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4522
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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