I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry that this happened to your boyfriend, I can imagine how hurt and distressed you are feeling right now
May I ask when you moved across the country did you invite him to come with you?
Yes it happened a week ago today, Im so hurt
Right now you are going through the stages of grief and these are natural feelings that you must go through to help you process this horrible tragedy
Here are a couple good worksheets that can explain grief in more detail for you
I did originally but he told me he didn't think he wanted to go, but then I guess he was telling friends and family he couldn't wait to go make a new start in Arizona with me, that was day before he died
I am sorry, you cannot blame yourself for this. Depression is a horrible disorder that can really effect someone deep down inside and no matter what you do, this has to be fixed from the inside first.
Also he would not want you to be sad right now, he would want you to cherish your life.
Guilt is a natural emotion to feel during this stage, but this was not your fault and your boyfriend did not communicate his intentions to you
I fell like he told me he didn't want to come and then told everyone else that he was. The day I left we hugged said love you and he left, then at midnight that night I started getting weird texts from him, I feel like i abandomned him
I know you did, but you did not abandon him at all. You invited him with you and wanted him to be physically close to you, but I believe that his depression just became too strong for him and he decided to take his own life. I wish he would have asked for help first, but he did not. If you did not leave, he would have found another reason to hurt himself because obviously he was hurting a lot inside and did not show many people
A good thing that you can do for yourself is to write a letter to your boyfriend and write down every thought and emotion that you are feeling, do not hold anything back. Also write about memories that stand out to you too and then seal the letter and bring it with you to his memorial service, and place it in the casket or beside the urn (sometimes they leave a table for these things though) and this way you can truly say goodbye the way you want. Also this will be cathartic for you too
Thank you that sounds like a great idea, I have been going through pics and listening to voicemails on my phone i saved to hear his voice.
I know and this is natural to do, you are going through this grieving process where you are remembering him and your time with him, and how much he meant to you. It has only been a week and slowly you will start to heal from this tragedy, but it will take time because this man did mean a lot to you.
I saved those pdfs on my laptop, thank you for your time.