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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im confused about something my boyfriend tells me. He like

Resolved Question:

I'm confused about something my boyfriend tells me. He like things in a very particular way, if it is not the way he likes it he gets upset and angry. He tells me that I trigger his anger, that if I wasn't living with him there would be no reason for him to get upset. That if only I do things the way he asks me too then he will not get upset. It is like he is blaming me for his anger. He likes the house to be very clean, always and if I make a mess (which could be the smallest thing) he gets upset. He is not violent, he just gets upset. Is it true what he says? Do I trigger his anger? Does that make sense?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your frustrating and painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Answering your question I'd say that yes, I think you trigger his anger...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

... meaning he has a serious anger problem from his unresolved personal issues.

Customer:

really?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You or anybody else could trigger the destructive emotions and feelings he has, those he has not been able to effectively cope with form personal issues, and unless he works on himself and making real changes, taking full responsibility for his own feelings, choices, words, actions and reactions, it would be hopeless to expect him to play a healthy role in a relationship.

Customer:

is it healthy to be in such relationship? dont abusive husbands say that to their wifes that it was their fault for getting them angry and beating them?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His behavior are obviously abusive, mentally, emotionally and verbally, and it is unacceptable for him to try to justify them stating you trigger them. You may trigger them by normal behaviors -you have not described any abusive behaviors from your part- but he is the source of this anger and abuse, and unless he takes full responsibility for it, your situation would not improve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, it is never healthy nor acceptable to expose yourself to any form of abuse, under any circumstance

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

even less form the very person who is not only supposed to respect you, but to take good care of you, love and protect, understand and support you.

Customer:

he will not get help. he will not see a therapist. dont think this will change

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Otherwise what would be a valid reason to be together in abusive relationships like that? To suffer more than when being alone?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it would be hopeless.

Customer:

he does take care of me though. he does care about me. he just gets upset. he doesnt yell or anything like that he just is not affectionate and gets angry

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He would continue blaming you for his own issues, feelings and behaviors and such abusive and dysfunctional approach could never leads to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, neither even to have a respectful and mature dialogue as adults.

Customer:

could it escalate?

Customer:

his dad used to be violent to his mom and to him and his sister. he is afraid to be like him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel and truly believe that he meets and fulfills you core needs and expectations as a life partner and are willing to afford it and all the consequences, then just keep going with it,, but if you do not feel that way, better you reassess what you want and are able to face here, since yes, time would not fix these issues but they would get worse.

Customer:

he is trying to control his anger and control his reactions. if something bothers him he tries to say it in a plesant way and just ask me to do it differently

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That makes perfect sense, most time sit is just like that, and then time shows how people perpetuate the vicious circle of abuse, neglect and violence; from subtle passive aggressiveness to clear neglect and abuse, whether it is verbal, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial or physical.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

if he commits to work on it and change, assuming he acknowledges he has problems, takes responsibility for his emotions and actions and commits to change,t hen perfect, in his consistency and efforts, he would find improvements, but only if he really does this work.

Customer:

can he do it by himself or does he have to get professional help?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But I understood he is only fine if you do things as he wants, otherwise he becomes more angry and abusive

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most people who present this serious problem for a long period of time, do require professional help

Customer:

he gets upset and irritaded. not abusive. he never hits me and he is trying to say it in a more loving way asking me to try and pay attention to those things that bother him. he tries to over look somethings but it does irritate him when lets say I dont close the shower courtin

Customer:

sorry for the spealing mistakes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Time through concrete experiences shows you how fine or serious this problem is and if he really changes or not

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

from there you would know for sure how necessary professional treatment appears to be here in his rehabilitation process

Customer:

so it is true that i trigger his anger but it is his responsibility to control his reactions and it is my responsibility to try and do things in a way that will not cause his to get upset? is that correct or no?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Not exactly. What I meant is that regardless of what you do, if you limit yourself to please his ego, you would be promoting a very codependent and dysfunctional relationship, that what is necessary here is not for you to perpetuate this enabling but for him to learn to respect, understand and support you,not to impose his ego and points of view over you, otherwise it would not be a healthy and reciprocal but an abusive relationship.

Customer:

so what can he do if those feelings over power him? what does he have to do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get professional psychotherapy to work on his personal issue generating and fuling those feelings and emotions,a dn to learn anger management.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Just trying to control his anger would not work, because it is not only about control, but about working on and resolving the issues behind his overwhelming anger.

Customer:

i dont know if he will be willing to do that, in such a case it seems the relationship wil not work because no mater how hard i will try to please him there will always be something small that will irritate him right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, and if you choose such approach, it would just enable further issues, turning the relationship into something even more codependent,never healthy never truly fulfilling

Customer:

ok. thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Customer:

is there a way i can have this chat sent to my email so i can have a look at it again later if needed?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You just need to copy the link, and it will take you directly to this chat's record

Customer:

ok. have a good day

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX Please rate session.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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