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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband and I got married in December last year, and were

Customer Question

My husband and I got married in December last year, and were together for 1 years prior to getting married.

We are from different countries, we meet 4 years ago when I was on holiday overseas. Coming from different countries has meant that our relationship has had to overcome many difficulties, including distance and the stress of applying for very complicated partner visa's and just waiting...to see what happens.

I came here to live with him and his family, here in South America. I had lived with him at his mothers place for 4 months previously and had not enjoyed my time there, for various reasons, but we didn't have many other options available to us and my career means I can work freelance from almost anywhere in the world. In this country a lot of grown children still live at home due to the cost of living compared to earnings in this country. It is almost impossible for middle class or poorer people to move out to their own apartments, so much so that a lot of my husbands friends have moved overseas.

I have been very unhappy here, at first I struggled with the language and didn't know what was going on a lot of the time, my husband would just not mention important details to me, or would just forget to tell me things. I told him so many times that this was a problem, but it still hasn't changed...which can be infuriating.

During the course of applying for our Partner visa, which he took an extra 3 months to complete for all of his details, always blaming others, or forgetting to do something, or the worst just kept saying, yes I will do that...and juts actually not doing it. I started thinking, his actions are completely out of line with his words. Again very frustrating for me, and it would make me angry. Now I am at the point where I just don't get angry, if he needs to do something, we talk about it, I tell him what he needs and then I wait, to see if he does it without me saying anything...and you know what, he doesn't even when says he will. He has the same problem with his mother, she will ask him for help with something for her business, and says he will help, but then doesn't do it until the very last minute and by this time she is so angry and screaming at him.

Honestly, I have felt there were moments this year that I was going crazy, and that is so unlike me, I normally am quite content and happy. I know that this year has been stressful for us both but I am starting to see things he does in another way, and think that maybe I have allowed these things to be okay, because I am in a foreign country away from family and friends and any support network. There are many more things and situations I could explain but I will leave it here for now. I do not want to live my life in this way, and feel like I am constantly fighting a battle to get him to do things that are his responsibility, I get my things done and am always waiting and waiting and waiting for him...sometimes for weeks and months. But I know that he can do things very efficiently and quickly when it is something he needs or wants. So infuriating...I think I want to end our relationship before children come into the picture...I don't knwo what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know abot this very overwhelming situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yous story shows how sad and frustrated you have felt because of all the things that have happened in your relationship since you relocated there.

Customer:

I clicked on the link to find my answer and it brought me here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, it is because I am here with you in the chat

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you prefer not to talk about it here, I will leave and send you an answer.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I always prefer to dialogue with people in order to better understand your specific situation

Customer:

okay, well what is your assessment of the situation as far as I have mentioned so far?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very concerning since it shows that while there have been many challenges and difficulties, new problems have appeared not because of the external reality , but because of the way he has been addressing all these circumstances

Customer:

yes, for some time I thought that the situation we are was causing most of our problems, and I have only just started to realise that is not actually the case

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your husband has been showing lack of respect, honesty, empathy, accountability and consistency, which have led you to feel this frustrated and upset

Customer:

The thing that is so confusing, is that externally he seems very loving. But his actions just do not follow his words.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There are many people who go through tough challenges and life changes, adjustments and relocations, but they do not mean they will become this dysfunctional

Customer:

My concern is that we as a couple are dysfunctional

Customer:

not the external situation that we were thinking is the problem

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe that the external challenges have just triggerd all these core and serious issues, and it's been shocking for you to face them this way

Customer:

I think that for me the external factors have been in a way a mask for the actual issues between us.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have found out his ways are not exclusively towards you but the same with his own mother

Customer:

I asked him last night what was wrong (after days of him going between being upset at me, sulking and showing immense frustration). Eventually we got to a place where he said he was angry at me. So I asked him, what have I done wrong? Why are you angry at me? and he told me that he didn't know why.

Customer:

Exactly, he has the same kind of behavior towards his mother too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have started to learn much more about him , his personality, habits and patterns now that you relocated there and had to face all these challenges.

Customer:

Yes, I have now been living here full-time for a year

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You just felt so overwhelmed with frustration that decided to give up trying, and that is very sad, now he expects you to be happy and fine while he has made choices and shown behaviors that just do not help you to build a healthy and fulfilling marriage at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad and concerning, but it is real

Customer:

I am unsure what I could try to do more, I really do feel like giving up. Trying to talk reasonably with him, results most often in one of two options...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

he needs to start by acknowledging that has been wrong here, the neglectful and abusive behaviors, dismissing you , not being accountable, not understanding nor supporting you when you needed it the most

Customer:

Either he blames me for everything that is wrong OR he starts saying saying things that are almost stories/projections he has made up in his head about what I might be like in the future that actually don't make much sense

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My concern is about his ability and willingness to work on these core changes

Customer:

I am unsure that he could work on these?

Customer:

Because, in his eyes, it is always somebody elses fault

Customer:

or my fault why he didn't do it

Customer:

or why ha can't do it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on what you are depicting here, I do not feel hopeful at all about it...

Customer:

that is how I feel

Customer:

speaking with him rationally does not end in a rational outcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

but you need to be clear and direct about what you feel, need and want as an assertive adult, and depending on his actions more than his words, you would know if it is possible and realistic or not.

Customer:

I think that sometimes I can have slightly co-dependent tendencies, and tolerate my boundaries being broken.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, and unhappily without sound judgement, good insight, and taking full responsibility for his words, choices and actions, would make it impossible to get any improvement there.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

I'm really unsure what to do next

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree, and that's what enables and fuels these dysfunctions, which have become obviously neglectful and abusive against you, and your mood and mental health, the quality of your marital life show them.

Customer:

Yes

Customer:

the latest is that he told me I was being selfish, because when he said he would take on a second 'job' a project...I pointed out that we wouldn't have any time for us. I do not have other friends and family here so am somewhat dependent on him to do things on the weekends.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Reassess your core needs and expectations in this marriage, be clear about what you are willing to afford or not, then talk to him and confront everything dysfunctional or unacceptable, and based on hos actions you would take make decisions and commit to do your best in what depends on you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very sad, since ti is obvious you have not been a priority in his life, and he has seriously neglected you and your mariage

Customer:

Although he tells me, that he thinks about me all day and feels guilty that I am stuck here and stuck at home (as it difficult for me to get anywhere without a car)

Customer:

In fairness to him, he has made some efforts and hasn't always neglected me, but so long as it suited him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember this: when actions do not match words, and there is not full honesty, respect, caring for your feelings and needs, nor even empathy when you feel frutrated and ask for something simple,then you need to believe reality=actions and not nice words

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right

Customer:

yes, it is confusing though, an of course I want to believe that he means what he says

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I bet you do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you just recognized the codependency issue, and I can tell that as long as you do not fully respect and take good care of yourself, you could continue to please and allow him to do everything as he thinks it works for him and you would not feel any better nor happier at all.

Customer:

yes, I think he takes advantage of that, and almost plays on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, but this seems to be the case

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and without a social network nor a support system there for you, things could not be harder

Customer:

Ok, a lot to consider. Thank you. I see the role I have also played in this. I think it is me who must change.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree and support you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me as necessary, since I am here to support you as possible.

Customer:

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach