Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know abot this very overwhelming situation
Yous story shows how sad and frustrated you have felt because of all the things that have happened in your relationship since you relocated there.
I clicked on the link to find my answer and it brought me here.
Yes, it is because I am here with you in the chat
If you prefer not to talk about it here, I will leave and send you an answer.
I always prefer to dialogue with people in order to better understand your specific situation
okay, well what is your assessment of the situation as far as I have mentioned so far?
It's very concerning since it shows that while there have been many challenges and difficulties, new problems have appeared not because of the external reality , but because of the way he has been addressing all these circumstances
yes, for some time I thought that the situation we are was causing most of our problems, and I have only just started to realise that is not actually the case
Your husband has been showing lack of respect, honesty, empathy, accountability and consistency, which have led you to feel this frustrated and upset
The thing that is so confusing, is that externally he seems very loving. But his actions just do not follow his words.
There are many people who go through tough challenges and life changes, adjustments and relocations, but they do not mean they will become this dysfunctional
My concern is that we as a couple are dysfunctional
not the external situation that we were thinking is the problem
I believe that the external challenges have just triggerd all these core and serious issues, and it's been shocking for you to face them this way
I think that for me the external factors have been in a way a mask for the actual issues between us.
You have found out his ways are not exclusively towards you but the same with his own mother
I asked him last night what was wrong (after days of him going between being upset at me, sulking and showing immense frustration). Eventually we got to a place where he said he was angry at me. So I asked him, what have I done wrong? Why are you angry at me? and he told me that he didn't know why.
Exactly, he has the same kind of behavior towards his mother too.
You have started to learn much more about him , his personality, habits and patterns now that you relocated there and had to face all these challenges.
Yes, I have now been living here full-time for a year
You just felt so overwhelmed with frustration that decided to give up trying, and that is very sad, now he expects you to be happy and fine while he has made choices and shown behaviors that just do not help you to build a healthy and fulfilling marriage at all.
It's very sad and concerning, but it is real
I am unsure what I could try to do more, I really do feel like giving up. Trying to talk reasonably with him, results most often in one of two options...
he needs to start by acknowledging that has been wrong here, the neglectful and abusive behaviors, dismissing you , not being accountable, not understanding nor supporting you when you needed it the most
Either he blames me for everything that is wrong OR he starts saying saying things that are almost stories/projections he has made up in his head about what I might be like in the future that actually don't make much sense
My concern is about his ability and willingness to work on these core changes
I am unsure that he could work on these?
Because, in his eyes, it is always somebody elses fault
or my fault why he didn't do it
or why ha can't do it
Based on what you are depicting here, I do not feel hopeful at all about it...
that is how I feel
speaking with him rationally does not end in a rational outcome
but you need to be clear and direct about what you feel, need and want as an assertive adult, and depending on his actions more than his words, you would know if it is possible and realistic or not.
I think that sometimes I can have slightly co-dependent tendencies, and tolerate my boundaries being broken.
I see, and unhappily without sound judgement, good insight, and taking full responsibility for his words, choices and actions, would make it impossible to get any improvement there.
I'm really unsure what to do next
I agree, and that's what enables and fuels these dysfunctions, which have become obviously neglectful and abusive against you, and your mood and mental health, the quality of your marital life show them.
the latest is that he told me I was being selfish, because when he said he would take on a second 'job' a project...I pointed out that we wouldn't have any time for us. I do not have other friends and family here so am somewhat dependent on him to do things on the weekends.
Reassess your core needs and expectations in this marriage, be clear about what you are willing to afford or not, then talk to him and confront everything dysfunctional or unacceptable, and based on hos actions you would take make decisions and commit to do your best in what depends on you.
It is very sad, since ti is obvious you have not been a priority in his life, and he has seriously neglected you and your mariage
Although he tells me, that he thinks about me all day and feels guilty that I am stuck here and stuck at home (as it difficult for me to get anywhere without a car)
In fairness to him, he has made some efforts and hasn't always neglected me, but so long as it suited him.
Remember this: when actions do not match words, and there is not full honesty, respect, caring for your feelings and needs, nor even empathy when you feel frutrated and ask for something simple,then you need to believe reality=actions and not nice words
yes, it is confusing though, an of course I want to believe that he means what he says
I bet you do.
But you just recognized the codependency issue, and I can tell that as long as you do not fully respect and take good care of yourself, you could continue to please and allow him to do everything as he thinks it works for him and you would not feel any better nor happier at all.
yes, I think he takes advantage of that, and almost plays on it.
I am sorry, but this seems to be the case
and without a social network nor a support system there for you, things could not be harder
Ok, a lot to consider. Thank you. I see the role I have also played in this. I think it is me who must change.
I agree and support you
Thank you for your trust
Please feel free to contact me as necessary, since I am here to support you as possible.