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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have a serious concern about the behaviour of my partner.

Resolved Question:

I have a serious concern about the sexual behaviour of my partner. He says he's gay, but for almost 2 years we are together, having incredible sex together, but no penetration, there he stops. He says he is shy to be with a man, although he has experienced a gay-sex in the past, no for long though. on the other hand we stop contact for a few days and then we are together again, with passion which he denies. Could you please enlight me somehow? i do not know what to think anymore. Thank you, Vicky.
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 9 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your partner might have an issue from his past that is interfering in his ability to have sex. When someone stops during sex at the same point each time, that says that there is something about that point that is bothering them, enough so that they cannot complete what they are doing without feeling intense emotions.

When someone experiences intense emotions during sex, it can almost always be connected to something that happened to them in the past. It could be some type of abuse or trauma. Often the connection between what is happening now and the past is not clear to the person and they feel lost in trying to understand why they feel as they do.

It would help your partner a lot to consider therapy. He needs to talk to someone about his experience and explore the possible origin of his feelings during sex. A well trained therapist could help him make the connection to what happened in the past to create these feelings for him and also help him resolve it. He can find a therapist by asking his doctor for a referral or search on line. He may also want to consider on line therapy if he feels that would help him find someone who he feels comfortable with.

He might also want to explore his past through self help to see if he could pinpoint what might be causing his reaction. Here are some resources to help:

Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused As Children by Eliana Gil

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, 3rd Edition by Wendy Maltz

Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems by Barbara Keesling Ph.D.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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