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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband announced he was unhappy, depressed and wanted a

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My husband announced he was unhappy, depressed and wanted a divorce in June. He works, I'm a stay at home Mom. We had just celebrated our 24 wedding anniversary. We have 4 children. Two in college, 2 in high school. He worked long hours, I developed calluses on my hands driving the kids to sporting & school events. Full time volunteer for the children. We planned that one day, when the children were grown it would be our time to be together. It was hard living in my bubble. I consistently reminded myself this was the plan. It was selfish of me to not appreciate I could be with my children, but still wanted more. I desperately wanted adult time. But he was tired when he came home. So we lived our routine. With the announcement of the divorce, he also didn't want to wait the States requirement of one year. He moved out September announcing he had purchased a new home. I did the finances and could not figure out where the money came from. He was hiding bonuses he received from work since 2008. Most recently I learned his girlfriend is 20 years younger and has two young children - 8 & 4. Since his moving out he has spent minimal time with our children. He spends most weeknights as well as weekends with his "new family". We are pursuing a divorce at rapid speed. My attorney is afraid he is spending so much money, there will be nothing left for me. I have no retirement or income. I'm 53. Questions: Why do I still wish he would call and apologize? Are we better without him. I'm so lost. So loney. So confused.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming reality.

Customer: Thank you.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your story is very sad,, since it shows how you literally focus your life to your family hoping for this time in your lives that unhappily never happened.

Customer: Yes heartbroken. Asked Therapist why I can't move on. She said because I still am hoping to keep our family together. Do I move on? Do I try to forget? Do most 52 yr old men who make quick decisions regret them? Questions?..
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very traumatic, most people in your shoes would get overwelmed by the shock, it is very painful and for sure nobody deserves it

Customer: What is your advice?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

AS sadly as it sounds, what I see is that while you have been literally living focusing your life thinking about your family´s wellbeing and happiness, he has not done the same,he has not been honest, nor truly caring, and to find out about it this way is traumatic, there is no easy way to cope with it.

Customer: True, because I trusted him. Obviously the trust is gone. Do I give up?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see what could justify fueling any hope here, assessing your reality, without neglecting yourself and exposing to further pain and suffering, you do not need nor deserve, instead fo fully focusing on protecting and taking good care of yourself and your children.

Customer: I have read many articles on line MLC. Do most affairs last? Or am I simply hearing what I want to hear?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your husband has become seriously neglectful and abusive, and this overwhelming reality just shows he has not been working on your happiness as a couple nor on your family´s well'being, and if you do not come to terms with this painful reality, and start being proactive and truly supportive with yourself, the damage and pain could get even worse

Customer: Thank you.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It depends, each situation is unique, but what I can tell you is that the behaviors your husband has been presenting are not an accident or temporary effect from being a victim of manipulation. they sow how seriously distorted his personality, thinking, values, feelings and behaviors could get, to the point of hurting you and your family this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do not need nor deserve to suffer any of this, this is just unacceptable and you have to get all the support you can to effectively cope with it, heal and get stronger with your children, since there is nothing that could justify his behaviors, they are very abusive and neglectful, very painful and just overwhelming no matter how we could try to approach them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You{re very welcome. I understand your situation, but only you know how painful it feels, it's just very sad and hurtful.

Customer: In my eyes he was such a family man. When others separated, divorced he always saiid they were weak. I took that as a confirmation he would never do this. He has caused serious hurt. In my week moments I remember what a great guy he was. This "new" him is so unknown to me. Obviously I was was in denial and missed the warnings. When I found this site tonight, I was searching for information about affairs and if they last. Searching for is the grass really greener.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now your support system needs to play an active role helping your though this process. Please keep regular counseling, since it is necessary too, otherwise your mental health could get deeply undermined by this overwhelming situation, and that's sowmthing you do not want to afford

Customer: Thank you. I will do that.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see this is really the case, and no matter how much you may hope and try to control this painful reality, as long as he does not really care and take responsibility for his own feelings, choices and actions, there is nothing anybody could do too change the way things are evolving now. But you and your children still need and deserve to heal and grow from it,no matter what he does about his life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please feel free to contact me back to follow up, since I am here willing to support you as possible.

Customer: Thank you.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you. Please take gentle care and consistent action. Bye for now.

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