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I feel my husband has been using me all these years and am pretty broken. Preachers, Pastors and leaders will throw a blanket comment over the congregation and say that God has seen the disappointed and betrayal now it is time to move on. Does that deal and confront with the problem. Come to think of it i did find little clues over the years of his addiction to pornography but always thought it was one of my sons visiting the sites. I have tried to ask him about the use of pornography but he is unwilling to talk and always says he's not doing it anymore. From experience i know it's only God's power that can deliver us from addictions. We do not have children together but have had children from our past marriages.
Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
You wrote, "now it is time to move on." Does that mean you think it might be time for you to leave the relationship?
I am sure this is very difficult. It sounds like you have tried to be loving and caring and to let flaws go.
Move on from my feelings of disappointment and feelings of betrayal.
You are a very loyal and caring person!
You mention the pornography addiction, but you said at the beginning that you are pretty broken. Is it only about the addiction, or what else is going on?
Can you advice me and walk me through some answers? What do you think about leaving the relationship. i will find it very difficult to move on.
You are a religious person. That means that you are spiritually attuned. What is your heart telling you?
Well no not all religious people are attuned we are just like every one else we have to deal with our human side. Sorry i thought I was chatting with a Christian counsellor at least that's what I signed up for. But that's ok if you can give some answers that make sense would be ok.
I am a religious Jewish therapist. I am very used to working with religious Christian people. Is that okay?
Dr Marks you asked if there was anything else going on beside the pornographic addiction. I'm not sure what you mean?
You had asked what I thought about you leaving the relationship. I think it depends on several factors: his commitment to the relationship; his commitment to dealing with his addiction; and your feeling of being broken. What do you feel?
I had meant: what other problems are you facing that are making you feel broken and disheartened besides the pornography addiction?
Yes well as far as his commitment to the relationship, shows in his openness to deal with the addiction don't you think.
I feel let down and angry that our marriage is second to his addiction. I feel very betrayed as he has with-held sex in our relationship from the first night of our marriage. Is it my fault? Why is it that he failed to fulfil a natural human need. To this day he with holds and we have no sex life and no intimacy.
This is very hurtful and so often the addict doesn't realize how much he is hurting his spouse. It is very self-absorbing.
You wrote that he is not willing to talk about his addiction. This makes it very hard to have a good outcome.
Sex addictions do not get better by themselves hardly ever.
Yes he denies he has a problem. I keep thinking and wanting to believe he will overcome it this time.
I do know that only God can deliver us from our addiction i know i had a few myself.
I think I need to separate from him. I feel so sad all the time but I am unable to do it on my own.
It sounds like you've put up with a lot and you're not able to bear more.
What do you think? I think separation is the last resort. How should I start AND HE THREATENS ME WITH HE WILL TAKE HALF OF EVERYTHING. I OWN MY OWN HOME WHICH I INHERITED. AND I OWN HALF SHARE IN ANOTHER HOME, WHICH HE HAS NOT CONTRIBUTED TO.
First, his threats are not a good sign on his part. It means a lot of resistance to change. Sometimes it takes a jolt by the wife to get the man to realize that things can't continue "business as usual".
As for the threat,
I'm not an attorney. However, in most states, though, property you bring in to the marriage is not counted as communal property, only improvements made to the property during the marriage.
But this you can discuss with an attorney.
Here, I can tell you, though, that emotionally, he is resisting change. And you don't have to make an all or nothing move.
The middle path is most often the right path.
Here, the middle path may be to file for a separation rather than a divorce, or to even try an informal separation as there are no kids involved.
Can you tell me what the middle path means.
Oh sorry you have answered the last question...
We are talking about a separation so that two things can occur:
First, so that you can have a respite and think things over and pray and get a sense of yourself back.
Second, so that he will get the message that things need to change. And this is for the sake of a positive outcome:
Meaning, that you want him to wake up to the reality of his life and to seek out help through the sex addictions recovery programs that exist. In New Zealand as well. And there are Christian oriented programs that he can look for.
So the idea is that men often need to wake up and sometimes a wife needs to do something to wake the man up.
I know this is painful and you will need support through this.
Sometimes men will go to counseling more willingly after a separation if the wife is willing to go with them.
But you need to make sure that he also recognizes he needs to get help with the addiction. And that counseling will need to include this in the counseling, his commitment to getting the support for himself to fight this addiction. Then the two of you can start dating after you've had a chance to gather yourself, to pray and to heal. What do you think?
I think that's great and Godly advice.
One more questions.
Is it because of his addiction that intimacy is absent in our relationship. I feel like its been my fault and I feel rejected by my husband.
This is an important question and please know that I am answering as a religious person as well as a trained psychotherapist:
Good people want to do good. And they believe, if I were only good enough, then things would have been better.
But this forgets how the world was created: we are all given challenges; and we are all given help in those challenges.
But G-d requires from each one of us to take responsibility for overcoming our challenges, not from those trying to help us. It is your husband's challenge, part of his mission in life.
Your role is to try to help. And you have. But you cannot own his challenge and you can't own his healing. He has to arrive there, just like you did. You can only help.
And this is why you need to heal: you need to pray and regain yourself, your sense of your own worth and self-hood as person.
Does this help answer this?
Thank you for your wise advice as a minister in Christ and a physco-therapist. You have thrown me a life line.
You are so welcome.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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