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I am so sorry that you had a fight this morning
Does your husband know that you are not in good terms with his parents?
yes.. he knows. He wants to talk in parallel, can we add him as a seperate customer to this chat?
So far this system does not allow for three way chats, but he can look over your shoulder if you like and he can type things in as well I am happy to do that for you both
okay..I will type with "W" and he will put his points with "H"
Or it is possible that we can try talking on the phone, Just Answer added new services since we last spoke and there is an additional service of phone conversation that I can offer you both and talk to both of you through that.
The additional services are usually more money though
So that is the negative of that.
I think we are more comfortable (& decent) on chat
That is fine with me, I just want to offer you all the options :)
So you will be "W" and he will be "H" that works for me
Thanks for that..
H: I feel that my wife has issues with perception - She always says that 'he was thinking that' and then make opinion about that person including me.
And you feel these are predominantly negative perceptions she is having?
yes. Because at times when she says that 'you were thinking ...' and get angry with me - I swear I was not thinking that
she says she has sixth sense ..
Is it possible your non-verbal behavior may have contributed her to having these thoughts? 70 percent of our communication is non-verbal
Yes, I firmly believe this ...because 90 percent of our discussions are based on perceptions - what my parents think about her, what I think about her, what my brother thinks about her ...etc etc
and I end up explaining her that 'this was not the case'
And can I ask before the baby came, did she have these perceptions or is this something that developed recently for her from your perspective?
It's there since we met in 2006 ...but now for the people she has negative perceptions are intensified over the time ..
I don't deny the fact that everyone is utmost correct ...but we humans tend to make mistakes ...we must ignore and move on
this is creating lot of problems in family gathering ..she suddenly encloses herself inside the room ..
Okay, well negative perceptions could be a sign of depression for some individuals and she has mentioned that she feels alone and stressed, which can cause these symptoms. Here is a diagram on how individuals with depression see the world and how they focus n the negative of the world, this is their perception
hmm..I am not sure about her past whether she got depressed because of some event ..but she takes everything with a very negative mindset ...
I agree that I have done many things that she doesn't like, and might have contributed to intensify her emotions ..
That is a possibility, and that is very big of you to admit this.
I want to resolve everything, just I want her to change her perception, forgive people's mistake and behave happily with people ...
Well the best type of therapy to do this is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.
Here is an example of a CBT technique. So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help her keep track of any negative thoughts she has. She puts the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want her to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help her change her way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
This is non-invasive and can help her and probably you too in your interactions with your wife.
Sure, we can try that. But, I want her to put her perspective here. So, she will take over now.
W: I am now feeling like I am the only person responsible here.. Its not right to cover up by sticking the "depressed" adjective to somebody
sorry for the harsh words..
Its okay, I understand your viewpoint and I do not necessarily think that depression is the case, so far I have only heard from his perspective and not yours.
I was just responding to a possibility, I remember talking with you a couple months ago and I did not see depression from what you were telling me
I think I saw someone who was not getting their emotional needs met at home and this caused many of the issues
But negative perception of the world is a symptom of depression. Now the cause of that depression could be how you feel your husband treats you and the fights, I cannot be 100 percent certain.
I agree that I feel depressed, I have told this to him earlier also, but when he says.. this the solution.. take this printout and use it to avoid the depression.. I feel that again the bad behavior with me will continue and I will note down negative things and keep tolerating, I feel there is something he has to do too
he said politely.. but still it did hurt
I will start with the example to simplify..
Ah yes, I agree. I was not trying to point the blame squarely on anyone. You both are a team here and a partnership. I think that the printout is not enough first off, it was just an example to give an idea of what CBT was. And also I think while you feel depressed, there was a precipitating cause of that. Have you two thought about couples counseling at all, like I mentioned last time we spoke?
I think there is definitely tension in the relationship and this causes issues from both f you, and the only way you two will be able to help yourselves is if you work as a team to fix them, and they are fixable.
Today morning in the call, his parents were not that interested to talk to me..so I was'nt enthusiastic to talk, this is because the earlier tensions we had while my pregnancy.. but my huband wants me to behave as if nothing had happened.. for me it can be done only once my heart is healed and that will take time.. but as per him, he cant wait forever
I can not handle when he imposes things on me like this..
I understand that and I dont think anyone would have been enthusiastic on the call if they were not enthusiastic to talk to you. So it sounds like you believe that he is very demanding at time from what it sounds like. This is a communication issue and most likely he is frustrated because he does not know how to communicate with you. This happens with couples from time to time.
and when I tell him, that I didnt get good vibes from his parents, he just says its my perception.. I am always like that.. but I am not..
Well I think it would be better if he asked you first "why you didnt get good vibes?" Then you can talk about your evidence on why and the evidence of it possibly being a perception. This would lead to more open communication and help you two dialogue more, but both of you would be able to get your point across in a non-judgemental manner.
Also I think this book is good for both of you
It helps heal relationships and helps foster a better communication style that you both will respond to
H: I think they were enthusiastic - call started with greeting, and then they give her a piece of information immediately - She is saying how can they directly come to the point. Agreed that they didn't take the conversation the way she want, also agreed that you don't need to be enthusiastic all the time when you talk. But, these things are dragging on for years, and she always has some or other reasons when she talk to the family members. I am ready to do anything to bring harmony in our family, but she is not ready to compromise on her behavior with family members. I also proposed to have everyone onboard and resolve the differences - but again she doesn't agree on that.
Well there are no quick fixes to these issues, it seems like you understand that. I definitely agree that there is tension in the relationship and it is causing a disharmony for both of you. Would you and her be willing to go to couples counseling to work on these issues you both may have to help strengthen the relationship more. A therapist is really good at providing objective information for you and being a good mediator to help you both heal the relationship. I can even recommend good couples therapists in your area.
H: I understand it might not be possible to come to conclusion on chat. You might not be able to understand our perspectives properly. But I would request you to give atleast one advise to both of us which would help us manage these kind of situations. Yes sure, also can you please tell how much would it cost?
Couples therapists charge at different rates comparatively, it really depends on the therapist. If you give me your zip code I will try my best to find the cheapest ones for you. Also most therapists work on a sliding scale and will provide cheaper therapy for low income individuals. Well I think an advice for you is to not automatically go straight to the negative perception you feel that she has. Instead acknowledge her reasons that she feels the way that she does and then point out probably alternative explanations for this She may not believe, but she will be thinking them and it will promote a civil communication with you where you both are working together.
That is one positive way to help out with these negative perceptions you feel she is having and you are allowing her to express them as well.
H: I completely agree, and I respect her perceptions at times. But, she got to learn on how to behave with people (whether they are good or bad). Our zipcode is 60540
Now you both have mentioned fights that you two have. I am not sure about the tone of these fights, but marital arguments happen and are natural. But I think when you both are angry/frustrated it would be best to express this in an assertive manner to help promote communication. So this worksheet would apply for both of you as it contains a good technique to help you both be assertive and express your anger/frustration in a healthy manner
Give me a couple minutes to get a good list of therapists for you and your wife, but you both can still keep typing too
W: To clarify.. this is not the problem of my own perception..I have actually suffered a lot
W: Before we got engaged, he praised a lot for his parents.. he said they are very open minded and they will treat you as their own daughter
W: I didnt marry him on that condition, so it was okay for me if they wouldnt have treated me as daughter.. but its not okay for me to have a husband who is constantly in illusions
W: For him, they are very nice people and I am the villan here.. who is spoiling the harmony in the entire family.. but I didnt plan all this at first
W: I expected good treatment from his family, but if they cant do that I have right to behave coldly.. they all as a team can always ignore me.. once I feel I am fine, I will come back
W: but, my husband doesnt like if I keep silence if I am uncomfartable, he comes to me in the room and asks me to come out.. if I am not comfortable, he wont leave the room.. the situation is so uncomfortable.. his parents waiting outside and we both in the room discussion
W: I ask him to go out but he wont..
W: This has happened alredy couple of times
W: once I agreed to come out and the situation outside room was even more uncomfortable
W: next time, he said he will resolve, he told his parents everything, and they said, how can I think this way.. now I was again uncomfortable
W: I think I have tried all the options possible, but the situation was only uncomfortable for me
W: For me I just need my space, the solution is let me have my own time.. but after getting married, I am just not getting that time.. I am suffocating
H: I find her nature very very complex ..I just want one thing - keep smiling and behave properly, and resolve situation at hand by giving a smile - Ignore complexieties like running away from the situation, enclose in room, create scenes, show faces...
I think I understand what you are feeling, how about this for a compromise then. He can still ask you what is wrong and if you want to come out (giving you the choice here) and if you do not want to, then you have the choice to stay and allows you to come out when you feel comfortable. Also the personal and emotional things that you are concerned about are something that you should only talk about with his parents if you choose too. I think you should tell them how you feel and be assertive, this will help you and the situation. Also I never thought this was solely about your perception, but by him acknowledging and not dismissing your perception it allows you to express yourself.
Also here are a list of the cheapest therapists that specialize in Relationship Issues that may be able to help both of you
So your husband should not force you to speak and to come out if you are not comfortable. You have to process your emotions and allow yourself time to think things over, but you cannot hold on to them forever. You will have to tell him eventually, so that communication can still be established and you both can work on these things together.
But you decide when to talk about it when you are comfortable.
H: Thanks for the links. It helps. Agreed that she needs time. But how long shall I wait for her to 'recuperate'. Afterall, most of the times I am left on the scene to face the situation where she is inside the 'enclosure' and everyone is wondering what has happened to her suddenly - what wrong was done by us ?
It has happened to me many times when she just run away without uttering a word - then I realize she took something in bad taste
H: take an example, today she was talking to me, and then I started seeing towards baby - as she wanted my attention. But, I was still listening to her carefully. She immediately left the scene - Isn't it abnormal?
In the beginning, she will need more time to process this so give her as much time as she needs. I think you both will have to come up with an arbitrary number as a time limit for her to talk about these issues, a compromise for both of you. Now as time goes by though and with therapy and you two working together, you will notice that she does need as much time to process these things because she is feeling acknowledged and respected and a result she will be more ready to talk to you sooner about any issues she may have.
It is not ideal for someone to walk away when they are frustrated, but the assertiveness worksheet will help with that and that is meant for both of you. But you also have to give her that space and allow her to come to you when she is ready to talk.
W: I know I am going round and round, but its not that easy.. Earlier whatever I have talked to him, has come back as weapons in the next fight.. to let me down or show me how
Do not take it personally and it may have just been an honest miscommunication, but by letting her come to you will help de-escalate the situation for both of you
W: about walking away, I was not happy, but I am not fool to get angry if he is giving attention to the baby.. I went only because of that interruption I realised that there was something on the burner.. and I came back after that immediately..
Oh, well you see that is a miscommunication then. He took it that you walked away because you were angry, but in fact you walked away because of the burner and then you came right back.
He may have jumped to conclusions with this behavior because of past behavior, this happens to everyone and is something that causes a lot of miscommunication issues.
H: I disagree, she was very unhappy and I begged her to stay in conversation - I locked the door to stop her from going away from the scene.
I understand my behavior was good either - but I get frustrated when she runs away suddenly - in front of me, in front of others.
wasn't good *
And to your point of assigning time for her recuperation. I completely agree.
Well I would not advise you to lock the door next time. And I understand your frustration and like I said she will do this initially, but with some of these techniques I have showed you she will not walk as often anymore and therapy will help too.
I think she walked away because she feels that the fights get nowhere and that they just escalate which causes her more stress
Can you suggest some time for recuperation, to begin with?
Well the time is very subjective, it is something you both have to agree on, but I would suggest something within 24 hours
Anything longer would just be exasperating for both of you
H: Let me be very honest. I myself feel suffocated when someone stays without talking to me. And you suggested '24 hours' - It will a real test for me :)
It will be a test of patience for you, but the time will allow both of you to calm down and see things more clearly too
And this is her way of confronting you too when something bothers her.
H: Agreed. So takeaways for us are - give time to recuperate, and work on anger management with your template. Are we missing anything?
The Couples therapy book will help both of you too because I think there is a miscommunication going on. Also the first link I gave has a way for both of you to think objectively and not focus on the negative only.
I think you both do care for each other a lot, but the tension in your relationship is causing these issues. I feel if you both can communicate more effectively together, it will help you both understand the other's viewpoints more
H: I would request you to answer one question here. In cases where she runs away. Is it wrong for me to ask 'What went wrong, and what did she think?'
Because this breeds miscommunication ...
she believes something is true ..when it isn't
You can ask me as many questions as you like sir :) You can ask that question, but if she says she does not want to talk about it at that moment, respect her and just say that you are available anytime she does want to talk about it.
This is also a good couples therapy book too
Thank you :) ..But, if she doesn't talk about that at all..I feel that I never got what made her frustrated..
At times, I have to beg her to just understand what she percepted
Yes and this is why I said she will have to talk about it eventually when she feels comfortable and this is why I feel that within 24 hours she should bring it up. She cannot hold it in as that would cause her internal problems and is not fair to you too.
But she should bring it up when she is comfortable talking about it at a later time
Like I said this is going to be difficult and this is a gradual process. In the beginning it will be hard for both of you, but as time progresses it will get easier and you two will become closer together
We feel this session was good, and atleast we could solve the issues little more logically.
That is good, I am happy that I was able to help you and give you both some direction.
Is there anything else I can assist you both with today?
Thanks for your advise. We appreciate you spending time with us on resolving our issues. No, we are good for now. Have a nice day. Thanks again !
Anytime, I am always happy to help. I wish you both the best. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime.
You are most welcome :)
The system alerted me that this chat is still open, is there anything else that you both may need?
Where can we get the transcript of the chat?
Oh, well two places you can do this. Your JA account will have this chat saved under My Questions, so that you can always come back to. Also you should have received a link to this chat in your email that you can always come back to you even after you rate me.
Or you can select the whole chat and copy and paste it in a Word Document if you like.
Okes. Thank you.